The Facts that Fxcked Us

Our love limits us by these two variables, distance and time, it determines how are we going to get through our lives for better or for worse together or better not. It tells if were going to take things slow or move rapidly.  Distance, a thing that keep us apart. You are there and I am here. The people around you can see you while I seldom see you, but perhaps I don't see you at all, I can only feel your heart. Time, keep us also apart, our schedules are mismatched as if the world is telling us we don't fit together because from the first place we never met. The world tell us in the very first place we are apart, we are away from each other and this won't work.

Aside from those facts stated above, there also many factors that hurdles and hides the reality of our relationship. First one, were still strangers. Identity is the most important thing in a relationship but we never revealed it to each other. Second one, we only express ourselves to each other in the medium of text. Pretty bullshit isn't it? Pardon my profanities. I could tell our love is a shallow thing. I myself couldn't describe it. But why do you love him? "Because I love him." simple answer, no more elaboration. Next, we've been going on for months but I can't seem to let go because I love you so much. I like this pretty little shallow thing called love scheme of me and you. I can't let go because I had too much attachment for you and that yes I fckin love you so much and maybe because we never had an excuse to leave each other, because we ache to be together even though sometimes being together means aching too.

I myself worries for how the future might take us. If there is still a future waiting for us. What ifs always roam my head,
What if you found someone better than me?
What if you found someone nearer and can match the time you are free?
What if you dont really love me?
What if this shallow thing called love is just an illusion of us?
What if we ever we meet, we realize that we dont really love each other?
There are a lot of whatifs and all of those remain unanswered. Most of the time I just cry it out. Yes, this love is fucked up. I cry so much and then I stop and I cry again. I cry because no matter how much effort I do, you never tell me something. No matter how much effort and sometimes I already beg you to tell me,you never lower your walls, you never tell me something. Yes, you love me but you're heart is such a stone for hurting me so much. Do you really love me when you do not even care to tell me the truth? To what extent do you love me? When will our love becomes limitless? When will this love set us free from the world and let us express ourselves to the most thing we wanted?

I find myself stupid, because no matter how much you hurt me I always come back. No matter how much you push me away, I always find myself pulling you in. I guess, this is how love costs us, I guess this is how we pay for choosing this thing called love. Love is indeed blind for us. I cannot see you, but I can feel your love for me, I just simply know you love me even though I don't have any assurance, even though we labeled ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend but in reality its not, we are still strangers. Sometimes I do not  understand, sometimes I do not feel the weight of your words because I could not see your eyes, because I could not tell if your lying or not.

What now? actually, I do not know. I've already reached the point where I don't even care to know anything anymore because you already created a barrier, we already have an invisible barrier in front. For now, I still do not know. I think we should still go on because of course I am stupid but once I reach the point where I don't think its right anymore, well its never right from the start, then I'll stop. I will  stop talking to you. Maybe, just maybe if were meant to be I guess the universe will guide us to each other and we can be together again and this time, we can hold each other, we can touch each other, we can see each other's eyes, we can hear our voices, we can be together for real, this time.