"We will never know what will happen or who will we meet. However, two things are for sure. One day from now, we are going to look forward to something that may happen in the future and we are about to take risks to get acquainted with a stranger."
Two years ago, I have heard of this quote from my professor in Philosophy. I was not able to understand it by then.
Now, it's different.
I can no longer see myself in a world of my own. A world where there is only me and no other person. A world where I can only see myself wherever I go. A world where I can only challenge myself through my own mistakes. A world where I exist as who I want to be. A world where I can be free and be who I am. A world where there is only one decision to make and is made just by me.
Question is, does it still exist?
I used to ask the same question. I use to mumble the same concern.
How do they expect me to live in this strange world?
How do they expect me to live with these strangers?
And then I got to learn the real harm within that word.
Expectations.
When I was in my world, expecting yourself to aim something is no longer a shocking news. Why? Because in my own world, I can decide what should I expect without anybody's nosy advisories.
However, in this world, it became different. It became a word I fear the most. It became a word I don't even want to hear.
"It's because they trust in your abilities and capabilities that is why they have high expectations of you. Don't take it the negative way. It's a thing you should thank for because earning that kind of trust is harder for others."
Trust? How can they trust me that much? Am I a superwoman? Am I really limitless all this time? Was it then my fault that I know my own limits?
Is really having a limit a sin?
How do I take it in the positive way when it kills me everytime I realize that I can't attain their high expectations?
How do I smile about something that tortures me within?
Should I really thank them for putting this kind of burden on me?
Living here already became a big question in me, how much more reaching that top?
Do you really expect me to win over these massive of strangers who have bursted brains?
Do you really expect me to be on top of these intelligent strangers?
In my world, of course I can. However, here, is another story. Can't they see I'm struggling?
There were countless times when I wished I could just go back to my comfort zone.
To the world where I will be the one to decide my abilities.
I cried of million frustrations, thousand depressions, hundreds of heartaches, and tons of sadness. I said to myself that if this is life, then life is hell.
Now, let's try to read again the quote my Philosophy professor loved the most.
"We will never know what will happen or who will we meet. However, two things are for sure. One day from now, we are going to look forward to something that may happen in the future and we are about to take risks to get acquainted with a stranger."
This world has appraised me a lot of times for my success and took me for granted for the mistakes I made. They made me see how dangerous mistakes are. They can throw away all you have in one glance. Mistakes are indeed strange. They are indeed hurting and depressing at times. And just by having one mistake, everyone can turn their backs from you.
During those times, I was only lying on the floor, crying till my heart surrenders and then finally my body collapsed.
And here's the strange thing.
"Hey! Miss? Miss! Get yourself together miss! Hold on there! Everyone! Can somebody please call 911? Hurry up! Miss! Can you hear me? Miss!"
Who are you?
Do I know this person? Have we met before?
This voice. It is a voice of a stranger.
Why do you keep on calling me?
Do you also have some expectations on me?
Why? Why do I feel sleepy while hearing your voice?
Then, it all went blank. It was then a dark world. Yes. This is a dark world with dark intentions after all. Then, is this death? If it is, then let me rest. I'm tired.
I was exhausted.
I opened my eyes in a completely different room. All I can see is white. And there's a strange light shining above my eyes. Is this heaven? Is this the afterlife?
"Hey... You're awake. Doc! She has awoken! She opened her eyes."
And then there, I found him.
I found the man who saved my body from being torn into pieces in the busy street.
I found the face of the man who saved me more than this stupid and weak body of mine.
He stayed in the hospital with me for the three weeks of my recovery period. It was almost like he lives there.
Something's strange right?
How can I compliment a man so much when all he did was stay by my side?
I asked myself the same question those times.
Am I then suppose to pay with my healthy kidneys for this man's kindness to me?
And while I was so silent the whole time, he didn't say anything too.
It was the first time.
The first time someone beside never told me to get up amd correct everything that went wrong in my life.
It was the first time, a stranger sang a lonely song with me and let me cry as much as I want.
And then I felt a strange feeling inside of me. Something I felt for the first time. When the room was mostly filled with silence and glances, I felt a warm touch in my heart.
Then, I realized what it was.
I want to thank him for warming my soul and making it live again through those songs of loneliness that reflected my whole life.
I want to thank him for saving a torn heart by those silence and little peck of smiles I received in his glances.
I want to thank him for coming into my life without expecting me to enter his.
I found myself looking forward to every single day I have with him. I found myself welcoming a stranger from this strange world.
Weeks after, I noticed.
While I am lookig forward to what might happen between us, there were already no signs of him.
Should I get out from this bed and look for him?
But the door scares me.
Having to face those strangers there, it fears me a lot.
And so I waited for a long week without asking anybody, not even the nurses who nursed me in the rest of my stay.
In the day of my discharge, I'll make sure to look for him. I promise. I am looking forward to seeing him again.
The day of my discharge came. It took me an hour to open the door of that white room. It took me a lot of courage to face that strange world.
I just stood there in the doorstep of my room and waited for any nurse familiar to me. Then, one passed by.
"Nurse? May I know how shall I find the boy who looked after me for three weeks before? Where shall I go to see him?"
"Ah... That guy? Hmmm. How should I say this? Do you remember the last day you last saw him? It was his last day."
"Ah. Was he transfered to another hospital?"
"No. He passed away. That guy is a long-time cancer patient in this hospital. The day he found you, he was delivered to the same emergency room as you are for his condition went fatal. However, when he woke up, he chose to switch wards. He wished to be on the same ward as you are. He was actually amazing. While he was practically dying, he chose to take care of you every single day. We asked him why he had to take care of you when his condition is more fatal than you. And he just said, "This woman doesn't need a nurse to take care of her. What she needs is someone to shed her tears with. While I am practically dying physically, she is dying deep inside. Do you know what is life's hell? It is not our physical death. It is our emotional and spiritual death." He doesn't want to tell you he passed away unless you already have the courage to step to reality again and face everything that may happen in the future. And looks like, he's right."
And there I am. Crying like crazy. It was painful to know that someone heard my cries inside without even saying a word.
Isn't it amazing? The person I took courage for was the same person to give me that much courage.
This is indeed a weird world. It doesn't always go the way we want it to go. Things don't always happen the way we want it to happen.
There are a lot of things I want to tell him but it seems like he heard of it all already. Looks like a silent warmth you get to feel could make you feel totally alive.
Now, it became different.
I no longer miss my comfort zone but I am no longer afraid of my limits.
I no longer miss my old self but I am no longer afraid of expectations. Expectations now make me look forward to everything that could happen in the future.
I no longer miss being alone but I am no longer afraid of meetings. Meetings whether they are good or bad, challenges you to face a stranger with a risk. And risk gives you experiences you can learn from.
I no longer miss being perfect but I am no longer afraid of my mistakes. Mistakes makes you a better person and makes you understand others.
How? Simple.
You get to know that there are a lot of YOU in this world. There a lot of them who scares this world like you did before. There are a lot of them of were not prepared for the cruelty of reality. And meeting those kind of people in your way, lets you become an example.
An example of an unexperienced diver of this deep world, who healed her wound with the help of this world as well.
An example of an unexperienced person embraced this blue world and made it her playground to play, learn, and to love.
This is indeed a strange world.
A strange world filled with strange things but lived by strange people.
A strange world living with a blue moon.
The Great Unknown.