To the man who will never be mine,
Meeting you was fate, but I fell in love with you out of my choice. It was oh so magical in the beginning. You were everything that I wished for and more, you showed me how it felt to be loved, you made me realize there is more to love than pain. It was beautiful to be in love, to wait to call you in the evening yo tell you all about my day, to talk about sweet nothings, make lists of things to do and places to visit. It was all too good to be true. I was always worried that we happened too fast, we fell in love too fast and just like I dreaded we fell out of.
Perhaps the monsters in me couldn't handle all the happiness, so they decided to rob me of it.
Now that I think about what went wrong with us, I guess it was my insecurities. My fear for another heartbreak, my fear of having to go through that hell again. My fear for commitment got the better out of me.
When we had that argument about my past, it all came rushing back to me, my demons were in front of me, smiling, ready to break everything apart again. And before I knew it, I ruined it for both of us. I ruined my chance at redemption, my chance at defeating my demons, but instead I stand today defeated, clouded with confusion. I wish to get back what we had, but I know it's too late, and far too complicated.
When we spoke yesterday our old times came back to me, and I felt home. I knew it was only temporary and we both will have to go back to our own lives later, but at that moment I hoped for a different us, where we didn't break apart, where we still had our goofy conversations and our innocent little love. All I want to tell you is don't dwell on this, don't waste your youth, or your life for a mess like me. You deserve someone who will love you the way you deserved to be loved and not someone selfish like me. I hope you will realize it soon.
I realized that everytime we are faced with a problem we are given two solutions, one is the hard way, it will be difficult but gets better in the end, the other one is easy, but gets worse in the end. I don't know why I chose the latter. Or maybe I do, maybe I did so because I was too tired of fixing up everything like my last one only to see it all fall apart in the end, maybe I lost my faith in all that. I lost my faith in humanity.
We are all selfish, we don't do things for the happiness of others, and we all want to be the victim of things and the blame game has been going strong for a while now. And I'm tired of it all, tired of making others understand my feelings. I know it was not fair to do this to you, you didn't deserve this complication, you didn't deserve a mess like me, perhaps that's why we didn't work out, perhaps that's why the list remained as just a list, the list of things that we could never do. But honestly a part of me loves you still, perhaps in some parallel universe, when the circumstances are different, we'll be together, and there I'll hold on to you no matter what.
Much love,
The girl who can never be yours.