I'm writing this here because I'm sure one day you'll be on my Instagram page checking up on me and you'll click on that link to see what I write about. And that day perhaps we won't be together. There I said it, you might be thinking what you did wrong, you were the perfect boyfriend, not pestering, giving me my space and letting me do my work. You were everything everyone wanted, perhaps the same reason why people will blame me when I break it off with you. Why? We both had everything, both us working individuals, a supporting family, minor age difference and our personalities contradict soo much, we must be perfect for each other out of general opinion. The luckier few of this generation who are actually made for each other. Or is it the sex? We both know it isn't. Then what is? What didn't work out?
Were we busy? When did it suddenly became like this? When did things start to change? I'll tell you when it started to change for me. It changed when you started bringing up my past more often than our future. It started to change when joking about my insecurities became more important than asking about my day. It changed when I was left alone in your apartment that night after that argument which you were too tired to solve and all the ones that were left unsolved. It changed when you became everything I didn't want you to be. How will I convince you that this is not another fight! That this is not my hormones getting the better of me! That this is not another petty issue you can get away from. All these small things are what makes a relationship. Wasn't it about taking care of each other than being the victim?
All that I wanted was for you to understand that I'm not my past, I'm not what I used to be and you were not just some new guy in my list of exes. I'm afraid if it has come down to that. I'm afraid if things turned out just the way you told they would because it did so, in the past. And that is the reason I'm here pouring it all into this blog here, hoping you would never read it. But some part of me wants you to read it so that you'll know what I'm trying to tell you, what I've always been trying to tell you, but I doubt you'll understand. Because if you had, all those times before, I wouldn't be here typing about it on a blog post.
I'm not saying I haven't hurt you, blaming everything on my shitty past isn't right either, maybe it was my selfishness to think that making you feel the same pain I felt might be condolence for my pettiness.
Will you ever understand all this? I know not! Do I want to you realize all this now? Maybe not! Because you lost a part of me already, a part you'll never get back. We can continue in this relationship, in this futile attempt to fix this into the way it used to be. But I regret to tell you that it can't be made back into the way it was, all we can hope is to make it something new. Live with the pain we caused each other. I ask myself every day, will we live through this? Somehow I haven't found the answer to it yet. only time will tell. Until then this will be the things that you'll never know, the things I'll never tell you.