When I was in eighth grade, I was friends with a lot of boys. I was also friends with a lot of girls. We used to always joke around and laugh and bunk classes and did stuff that we thought was hella cool. The thing is, that I've never been a trusting person, or a happy person for that matter. I can't always be happy, it's not in me and mostly I'm always gloomy or just silence. When I was in eighth grade, I didn't have much hold over my emotions so no efforts were made in order to hide my gloominess. When I look back at it, I realise what a toxic life I've lived. I'm eighteen now, out of school and some events haunt me to this day.
One day, I was talking to two of my friends, for the sake of privacy (even though I don't feel like they deserve any) let's call them X and Y. Now, X, Y and I were joking around and laughing about, and the memory is quite hazy but I remember that X slapped me. I also remember quite well that X slapped me for no apparent reason at all. He thought it would be funny, and I suppose it was, for others because Y was laughing his ass off. As a child who had grown up seeing and experiencing violence around herself, I did not find it funny, in contrast I thought it was rather humiliating. For all those who have been slapped or physically hurt by someone you love or trust, I'm sure you can relate how small and pathetic you feel, you're hurt and you can't bring yourself to strike back because you love them and you know that it's just an angry phase. Well I was feeling small and pathetic, and most of all, humiliated, so I did the only thing I could, I started crying. I cried and I ran inside the girl's washroom, by that time I guess all my girl friends had gotten to know about my humiliation and came to wipe my tears. All of them told me how angry they were, how I should've hit him back and how pathetic he is. They hugged me and I felt safe. When I went outside, my best friend was waiting outside with a couple of his friends, he rushed towards me and he put his hand on my cheek (the one which had a vague impression of X's hand) and I saw something in his eyes for a second and then it disappeared so I couldn't ponder upon it much. My best friend's friend whom we shall call M said "X isn't a bad guy, I'm sure you did something to piss him off" I was extremely hurt because that wasn't the case, and this guy didn't even bother listening to anything but just assumed that I was wrong. We went back to class with my best friend and my girl friends by my side where we met X and Y who were still laughing about the oh so hilarious incident.
Upon asking why he did what he did, X just laughed and said nothing man I felt like it and I did it and it was hilarious. Now, I don't know about you but personally I do not think that it's a valid reason for hitting anyone but you know what, he was a bully and bullies are dicks that way. Then my "friends" did the most unexpected thing ever and they started laughing too. If I was hurt before then I was in excruciating pain now, everyone suddenly thought that being slapped was hella funny and that the guy was a hero for doing and I was just told to get over it. Well guess what, I'm still not over it, I still think about it from time to time and I still don't know how to let go. I'm not good at letting things go, I let things get to me and I think about them and I cry about them but I fail to ever get over them. But this story is not about how messed up I am, the story is about how my friends thought it was hilarious that X slapped me, how they thought that it was okay to make fun of the fact that X slapped me in front of everyone really fucking hard, and how, after everything I was too scared of being alone, I stayed with these friends. So, I just shrugged and said yeah it is kind of funny, even though I was dying on the inside. I should've done things differently but I didn't. I should've told my parents, I should've told a teacher but I didn't, because I felt so terribly alone and small and weak. I felt like I didn't matter, that it was okay for people to hit me and you can imagine what an insecure mess I grew up to be from there. I have had a lot of heartaches and difficulties and have been through much worse situations, but that was the day when I felt like the most worthless piece of trash on earth and thinking about it still makes me feel that way.
Story