The Warrior Not In You

I sit by my desk. There is so much going on in my head, so much unsaid. But I know I can't say it. I could only talk to myself. 

I hold my pen, get out a piece of paper and I decide to write a letter. A letter that might never reach its destination, but it might help to write down how I felt?

Dear,

I hope you are well.

I know I am not. Do you have any idea how much I have been hurting? 

You told me before, that you hoped you could never disappoint me. Never cause me pain or regret. I thought you were gentle, kind, caring. I loved that about you. I felt 'safe.' And safety was all I ever needed. The feeling of being secure, that someone cared about how you felt, treated you delicately. I trusted you.

But I am sorry to say, you disappointed me.

Dear,

Did it ever occur to you, to ask yourself whether you tried hard enough?

I paused at writing. I could feel tears welling in my eyes. Those tears I was used to having by now that their presence no longer bothered me. I know I tried hard. I know I thought over and over. I know I almost sacrificed everything. Followed you anywhere. I...

I defended you when all was against you.

I found you excuses for when you hurt me. 

I understood you when everyone else found it easier to just accuse you.

I almost lost those closest to me.

I cared, even after it was all over . . . 

I took a deep breath, and decided to continue writing,

My darling, I remember when we first met. I remember a feeling of comfort and happiness whenever we talked. I remember a strange curiosity to talk to you more, to get to know you. A certain joy whenever we had a few moments together, then happiness as we became closer . . .

I remember a certain fear arouse in me. A fear of a dead end. 

A fear I hoped you would soothe. Then a false hope. Then happiness. Then fear again. Then disappointment. Then joy, then love, then fear of losing you and I run to you, but then you let go . . .

Have you ever tried to think of a way? 

A solution?

Have you ever thought to yourself, "I can't lose her?" 

Did I hurt you? 

Maybe I did. But if I did, I know I paid the price well. You know nothing of what I hide. You know nothing of the pain I feel. You know nothing of the countless tears I shed. 

But was it worth it?

Things didn't go so well. Part of me had expected it, but didn't want to believe it. You tried again. I appreciated that. I valued it. But still, did you do enough?

 Trying again, yes. But how hard?

"Okay, it isn't working out. It's okay."

I couldn't recall how many times you said that, and how much it hurt me every single time. Why weren't you saying anything? 

Why were you giving up so easily?

"I am not losing you. I can't lose you. Let's make it work. What can I do to make it work?"

Couldn't it have been that instead?

All I needed to feel was safety. Assurance.

Why didn't you give me answers?

Why didn't you soothe my worries?

Why didn't you answer my concerns?

Give me reason to say yes. 

I was afraid. I needed you. I wanted you. But I was afraid.

I was hurting. I wanted you to be my strength. You didn't need to sacrifice. I didn't ask you to sacrifice anything.

A warrior.

I deserved a warrior.

A fighter.

I needed a fighter.

Someone who wouldn't let go. Wouldn't give up.

Hold on to me. Couldn't see life without me.

Someone who wouldn't see an end to me . . . 

Loyal, brave and true.

Either that, or it never was.

But maybe it is time to let go. I can't expect you to come back.

I can't keep waiting for a warrior that is not in you . . .