This is not something you'd like to hear from a 30-year old woman. But since this is my page and I am allowed to write whatever shit I think is suitable for my taste, so here I am.
Last year , I was so excited to turn 30. I thought that gaining another year of experience would make me a better person. I thought that turning 30 would be my turning point too as an adult. I was wrong. Funny. I was totally wrong.
I turned 30 like five months ago. I had work back then. Barely starting. I was kind of busy with the debts I piled up since I decided to sabotage my 2019. I told myself that I'll do better and act wiser because I am not getting younger. Everything was acting accordingly until I hit December of last year. I started to feel sick. From that moment, I knew that something was wrong with me. I started feeling down and weary. I started to loss focus. I started to feel empty. I started to hate life. Then I looked back to all the things that I've in the past decade. I started questioning myself if I am still happy with what I am doing. I started to question my goals in life. Sure, we started investing. I was in a process of getting a house. In my name. We had a car. Not mine, my partner's. I don't have a property that I considered my own apart from the small stuffs that I purchased few years ago. My bank account is almost in a negative state and my savings account is already empty. My debts are multiplying and I can feel my senses dying. But since I am kinda stupid, I pushed my limit.
January of this year, my brain is shutting down already. Then I realized that by turning 30, I am already considered old. Not old like super old but I mean, I'm no longer that teenager who can withstand those sleepless nights. I am not longer young enough to handle the stress around. I am not longer a kid to play around. I started missing nights at work. I started feeling dizzy and anxious. I started feeling demoralized. I started feeling unsteady.
I talked to my partner about this and my partner asked me to get some rest. So few days ago, I decided to abandon my post. I've been out of the office for two weeks already. Sure, it's not ideal for someone who's drowning in bills and monetary problems but to tell you the truth, I am not worried. The most important thing right now is my well-being. The most important thing right now is my state. I don't want to die at this rate. I just want to spend more time with my lovedones and my friends. And this is the first step in getting that life extension.
Sure, you can question my decision. But it won't matter. Because when the sun goes down and the darkness embraces the night, this is still my life and I've got my own rules to play. I just want to stay like this for few more days. I just want to be free and be calm and be happy and be contented. Let the future decides. I am in this life's mercy because I love myself more than anybody else. And I want to treat my body with some respect.
ps.
if you're scared to starve,
don't follow my lead.