This is my story....

I am 22 and depressed.... And I'm not ashamed to tell you this aspect.

"being depressed is not easy"

Because when you keeping everything bottle up, it’ll break you from inside slowly....

You’re going through a lot, and you don’t know how to share your emotions, feelings, mood swings and those messy thoughts, so you hold too much, therefore it’s easy to get frustrate

Specially when you don’t have any reason behind of mood swings.

With the purpose that, you try to find different ways to calm yourself down

And the first way i found was #BLADE

I cut myself with blade for the first time earlier, i could feel the pain, and i didn't knew why but magically i felt so good, like I am worth this pain.

Believe me, I thought I would never do this again in life, however, I used to do this every night,

It was difficult for me to get up every morning, But the most irritability was in the metro where no one knew me, and definitely i knew nobody was gave any dame shit to my tired face, but i thought people were watching my scars, they were judging me.

Somehow I reached the office by completing one hour journey, where i sat in front of the computer for 9 hours

BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING DEPRESSION DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU ARE NEVER HAPPY

When i was with everyone i used to be happy, But suddenly i was tired, it seemed as if my spinal cord was not there, felt low

After that I could feel that my heart was beating faster…. and this was the time, when i couldn’t bear it all, I want to cry,

I need blade at that time, because i didn’t carry with me, so i used to take a 15 minutes break to go to washroom or terrace to calm myself

I used to sweat, so i rubbed my hand continuously And roam fast, i used to repeat an interpretation that everything will be okay. “I am fine, I am fine” although I knew i was not, and then I used to cry, because i couldn’t keep everything inside and couldn't bear it all

And after crying i went back to work, and all this was started everyday.

BUT AFTER A MONTH EVERYTHING BECAME WORSE

* I used to have blade in the bag.

* I didn’t feel good in the metro, it seemed that they would laugh at me.

*I used to eat irregularly, and after eating i used to vomit.

*It seems like nobody likes or care of me.

*I thought i was not worth any.

* I was not worthy of my friends, family, they will be happier with out me..

But in January i started following a page “The Mighty” in Facebook, i had read a lot of articles, and after that I thought I should share my feelings with others, and this was my second way to calm myself down,

But still didn’t seem right.

I share my difficulties with others, but according to them all these were just in my mind, 

they said “you’re mad, these things only in your mind”

"how you can harm your self? i can’t even imagine to do this to myself”

 “why you’re so emotional, why you behave like a loser”

 “you have your parents, family, friends around you, what you may have”

“look! you don’t have reason to get this, so babe you are normal”

“Don’t behave like a psycho”

“you’re just 22, what problem you may have”

and after heard these things, i got the deep dark hole of the depression, and i cried a lot.

The more the day passed the more my depression was becoming terrible.

So i found my third way..

Cough syrup (Because i can’t swollen​ the tablets)

I used to drink a full of cough syrup bottle before sleeping at night

Fifteen minutes after drinking it seemed strange to me, my heart beat was fast, all seemed very blurry, i used to sweat in hand.

After two to three hours i used to vomit but still couldn’t sleep all night.

Two weeks later I thought of sharing my problems with my family

So Before leaving Goa with Friends in mid February i shared my problem about depression, anxiety and mood swing with my parents.

I still remember that i cried so much that night.

I had told them “if i don’t feel well after coming back, then I’ll go to the psychiatrist”

And they said “yes, you can”

I actually felt so light after sharing with my parents.

I enjoyed my vacation, i felt good for three to four days and then Everything started to be there again”

On 24th February 2017 i decided to quit my job

People felt i was running out of trouble but believe me I was not.

I used to feel suicidal, i wanted to die..

Then after i met with Psychiatrist.

And here I am, today is 26th May 2017 and I’m alive…

Depression and anxiety are also a illness like other deaseas, don’t ignore,

And believe me you are not all alone ?

People who left me in my bad times i just want to say “please never leave us, when we need you a most”

And i wish they can understand that i was not useless, i gave my best and still giving....

All these troubles have started again since one week, and I know I can fight it....