If I spend my whole day crying, will these tears end?
If yes, then I will probably start crying right now.
I've been tired for almost two decades. When I say tired, really tired.
When will this pain ends? I'm waiting for all of my life, hoping this will stop. I'm afraid of tomorrow. Maybe someone will witness how I will end up my life. Somewhere at peace, somewhere beside the sea, a closed room or no one would ever know.
Will this be my second break? I had my first suicide letter and I loved it. I really loved writing it while thinking of the faces of the people who caused me to be like this.
I'm afraid to end this life but I can't think of a good reason to continue inhaling Earth's oxygen. Everyone says, ending your own life will not solve the problem nor end the pain. But no one enlightened me how to alter it.
It's not new for me to wake up in the middle of the night, seeing nothing but darkness even the light is on outside the window, yet I'm still afraid. I am more afraid of the possible faces I might see on that darkness, those familiar ones.
I'm looking for the friends who promised to be always there through my ups and downs shit. Where are they? I bet, sleeping soundly, making the time of their lives, eating three times a day. Yes. All the things I'm not capable of doing, there is where they are.
I want to go climbing in the world's highest mountain and never go down. Never. I want to go to the sea and stay in the water for about my lifetime. No one cares if I'm floating cold or breathing warm. I want to go to the places I didn't know. Maybe there, I would find the peace I'm seeking for. I want to go out of this crowd, it's suffocating. Like I'm needing to catch my breathe every time.
I won't suicide but I don't want to live anymore. They are tired. I am tired. We all are.
People keep on asking me why I cried yet all I want is comfort. Would you give that? I will consider myself lucky if you would answer a yes.
You, all. Don't look at me. You could only see darkness in my eyes. All the demons that loved to stay there. They're not my friends but they love me. Why is that? They are staying with me because no one else is. I wonder where will they go once I'm gone.
I do not know what is the day after how many hours. But I dreamt of what happened last year where every one is happy, enjoying, and celebrating the day. I would assume they were able to foresee what will happen one year after, now.
I'm tired saying "I'm tired".
I think I already said it enough.
It is just no one dares to ask why.
Maybe because they are also fighting to live.
I understand.
I'll never ask for more.
I'll never ask for family. They're nowhere to be found anymore. They are more tired of me than I am to them.
I'll never ask for invisible friends.
I'll never ask for anyone.
All I ask is to be peaceful forever.
I am just waiting for Him to take me away from this obscured path I am in.
I am just waiting for His arms to welcome me in His Kingdom.
Yes, I will not suicide.
But I don't want to live.
From now on, consider this day as my death anniversary.
Don't be like me.
Fly.
Soar high.
I hope you will have the great life you have been wanting for.