To My First Hero

Before I fell in love with the idea of superheroes and looked up to Iron Man and Wolverine, it was you who I looked up to.

You, who was never at home because you had to be away for work, so we could have a better life, and I could go to a good school.

You, who I barely knew because it would take years before I see you again.

Admittedly, I don't have much memory of you. I just associate you with Chocolates, because whenever you're home we always have plenty of chocolates with different brand names printed on the cover. And in the morning I would wake up to your singing voice as you cook breakfast and I would peer to the kitchen from our stairs, wondering who are you and what were you doing in our house. But then I would see Mama laughing at the corner looking at you as you continue to entertain her with your singing-slash-cooking skills. Then you would notice me and smile at me, I would shy away and go back to my bed.

I remember you, washing our foot rugs at the back of our house when we had a house-help to do that. You said, it was fun and invited me to help you wash it using our feet. I thought it funny, because how can we clean it if we just stomp our foot on it, but you said it was proven and tested to the countries where you've been to. I realized you were never home, and I knew you had a lot of stories in store, so you tell me stories. Your journeys and adventure. You told me how cold it was in Moscow and how you bargained in buying two sets of Russian Dolls. You even told me you like Russians better than Greeks but I wanted it the other way, because at a young age I was already in love with Greek Mythology. I remember when you showed me the photograph of the ship you were in as it got stuck in the middle of the ocean because the waters were frozen. I remember your stories, they may not be fairy tales but I enjoyed them because they were real, and they were yours. It was like knowing you even when I barely see you at all.

Years passed, and I got used to not always seeing you around but one day you came home not feeling all that well. You and mama handled it discreetly so as not to worry us. Later on, you seem to be back on shape and even treated the entire family to a dinner during Christmas. It was the happiest Christmas I've ever had, you being home for the season, mama's relatives celebrating with us, you were there, laughing and making memories. I wished to spend that way every Christmas, I wished for it and little did I know there won't be a next time.

You leaving the country felt normal, it was a sign that everything was okay. Except during that time, it wasn't. It was when Mama had a call from your employer and required her to be in the UK to take care of you, I didn't understand what was happening but I understood enough that you weren't well and you need Mama there with you. More than we need mama here. That scared me a little, but I always see you as indestructible, my hero,  the unparalleled strength that holds our family together. I was a kid then to believe all that, not realizing you were only human, capable of falling. And you did fall, my supposed to be infallible hero.

A few weeks later you and mama went home, and you look different from what I remember. I almost didn't recognize you, you were so strong in my early memories and watching you in that state, made my heart ache, my young mind couldn't grasp the possibility of us losing you, so I believed. Believed that you can win against your ailment, and like what most children do, I imagined you to be the hero I always knew you were. I thought of you battling the demons that haunted us with your condition, the way you did with my fears when I get too scared on petty things.

I believed in a lot of things during that time, to a young girl everything was possible. I believed that you would recover even when they took you to the hospital from our home. I still believed even if our relatives from Leyte came to visit you, I should have prepared myself right then, but you see, I always had a stubborn head and probably a stubborn heart too, I still believed you'd be back on your feet as if nothing happened. Because how could I believe otherwise?  How could a ten year -old girl possibly think of losing her hero?

But I did lose you, on the same day today thirteen years ago. Despite of all those wishing and believing, I still lost my first hero who gave me stories to revel in, stories to dream about. I lost you and I think I'm never the same since, I learned to dream with eyes wide open thinking of the what-ifs and could-have-beens because you are always gonna be that for me. If only you're still here with us, we could have made plentier memories. I wish we had enough time, I wish I could tell you my stories too. I wish you were still here, I wish you could see me now. So many wishes, I don't know where it ends.

I may have not gone far as you hoped for me, not yet, but I hope you know that with all the things I do, part of it was because of you. The good and the bad, because I didn't take your passing lightly, I know I had my rebellious years and I hoped to rectify those years wasted. And I hope I'm doing it right, I hope I'm making my hero proud. And that hero is you 'Tay, always has and always will be.

Love,
Hanie.