To the one that got away

It has been years since you left. Years since you said those things to me. Yet I am up right now, at 3 A.M with a nightmare that seems as real as yesterday. We run into each other at the coffee shop the next day, and my mouth forgets how to utter words. Do you even remember me? If you do, you still hate me? Was I really so horrible to you that I never even received a proper goodbye text? 

Because it still feels like yesterday when we spent our days holed up in my sheets. When life was easy and every moment seemed to carry happiness for the eternity. I can feel my brain shutting down, so many thoughts and no words to utter them. All I can say is 'Hi', and you say hi back. A couple words of formality are exchanged and I know I might never run into you again. 

I consider holding you and never letting go of you again. Apologizing until I cannot apologize anymore. I would do that, if only I knew any of those things would work. We were broken long before we broke up, and I can still spot that broken smile on your face. I could ask you why you left, but I'm afraid that the answer might be worse than  what I  imagined. I could ask you if you miss me, but I know you have done everything you can not to. I want to know if I will ever see you again, and I'm afraid that next time my limbs might not be frozen I would actually try holding on to you. Run ins like these make me wonder if it was love or were you just the worst habit I ever had, for I have lost things I have loved before and yet you are the only one that refuses to lose me.