There was once this girl who never liked doing things she never imagined she would do. She prefers to stay in her comfort zone and try her best to accomplish the task she knows she’s capable of. She believes that knowing her capabilities is better than going out of the circle she created. She believes she is better to stay in the territory she knows well. There’s no shouting, no excess sweat, no extra hard work… it will be just her simple, same world.
Then there came a time that she needs to decide between what she is expected of and what she wanted to have. It came in like a silent wave of screaming responsibilities and expectation she found herself cover up. Running around the little sanctuary she made closing all doors and windows shut.
The girl was conflicted, never wanting to wake up.
It was the first time in years that she was told to oblige. She wanted to but was stopped abruptly by the stubborn girl inside. She neither wanted to cross the line nor get the gear shifting because she knows it’s not the place of her being.
Now she realize that being able to identify your capabilities can be very beneficial but at the same time deeming like a dark cloud forming. Soon, she felt tiny drops of water falling from above, hitting her shoulders with a loud thud of hope, dreams, aspirations and everything in between showering down all at once.
But she is a person pleaser and that part of her got the worst out of herself. She decided to give it a shot and at least try how far she could fly with the borrowed wings she has. She was half determined, half doubtful but all in all she knows she isn’t there to stay.
She took closer steps towards the cliff and the cold air hit her face as she reached the edge. She looked down to the possible fall and sadly, it took much of her time that she wasn't able to raise her head up and see where she can soar. The girl brushed it off though, tried to overcome the fears that are building in the pits on her mind. She covers them all with a smile and a nod.
The young soul was overwhelmed with the support and the love she is receiving that in the long run, she became fearful.
She knows she should feel everything but that but slowly, like veins creeping in a tree wanting to be noticed, she realized she’s already terrified to let everyone down especially it was the first favor she had in years from them.
The girl is craving for success, for something to be proud of. It's been years since her glory days ended and now, at the moment, the feelings of triumph is fading like old paint on metal, rusting. She remembered being a role model. A daughter her parents can wear on their wrist like a brand news gold bracelet; nothing to be ashamed of, just meant to be brag.
The feeling was almost surreal as she tries to reminisce the feeling of praise and favor hoping to give her undesirable self a soft push and keep aiming forward but it didn't work, rather it made things even wrst. Just like two completely opposite worlds, she was able to compare what she had become. Nothing more than a silver bangle, colors facing, diamonds falling.
She remembered the time she let them down once by choosing the path her heart desired. It was an innocent excuse, it did not weigh much and she reminisces it with a soft thud against the rib cage of her chest. It didn’t hurt that much, it was a small sting she can handle and she was grateful with that.
But that was years ago, when everything is new and still okay. Those are the times that failure, messing up and letting people down is part of growing up because at that time the girl is still young, needs experiences that she can learn from in order to prosper.
Today is a different story though. As an adult, she has no room for errors. She realized that growing up will come in slowly, not with small mistakes but drastic decisions. The time of coping up with the world is over and now. She is expected to run with it, chasing behind it no matter how fast it rotates.
She is the girl that failed. Not once, but so many times. She never learns they say because she keeps committing the same set of blunder again and again like a mantra of unending misfortune and rebellion. She is a black sheep.
The soul that never listen.
The soul that does all the things she wanted to, all the things she should not do, and all the things that so mediocre for the capabilities she has. She didn't mind all the whispers, all the disapproving words and snickers. All she wanted was to do what she feels she should do and t doesn't need to be the right thing.
All of these should be blame to the girl that failed. To the person who let all the hopes, expectation, and support just because she never feel like doing it. Because she has better chattels to attend to.
She should have gone with the flow. Accept the responsibility that was held in front of her for the first in years but no, she decline and everyone thought the girl is too much of failure. The girl has too much of pride and fear mixng like glue that she never though she can do it. She considered all the possibilities except being able to conquer it and that made her even rotten.
The past is past, and what have happened already fade in the bubbles of what is not but at least before you throw all the possibilities and benefits those borrowed wings could give,
listen to the cries of the girl who cradles her own wings hoping to fly one day.
All the good, all the support are always appreciated but she took them from the back. It scared her, it frightened her and eventually broke her. She thought she was strong enough but then she realized she isn’t. She never was exposed to too much support. She knows she is loved but right at that moment she discern that she never knew how to knob all of it. She was a stranger to the feeling everyone is expected to be accustomed of and she knew even that she failed to accomplish.
She isn’t just like any other girl. She never expected it coming but she was insecure from the very beginning. Even now as she types in all this sentiments and fill the bottom page of every paper, her mind is like a flickering light of what ifs and if only. The precarious soul is doubtful and crammed with regret because she knows, it the middle of all the things she never knows and all the things she would never understand, in the end…
when she decides, she’ll fail someone, if not, she’ll fail herself and there's nothing in between those pernicious truth.