To The Insensitive Guy I Used To Like

It was obvious. My fleeting feelings for you. You might have not noticed because I didn't show it that much, or you were just downright numb. It was crazy how magnetized your eyes are for me to always look at your way. I even catch you looking at me, though I was always the first one to look away. I was so into you that I even lowered my pride so much until there is none left. I was that attracted you. I always message you first even though you never read it nor reply to it. That kept on for months.

When you found out that I liked you before, we were awkward to each other already. We avoided each other too much. We were drifting away before we could even collide. It was painful but I managed it, anything for the guy you like. There was even a time I cried for you because the feeling of admitting it to you was swallowing me whole, even though I know I have no chance. There was even a time you sent a random message but it sent me a smile to my face. That was, to be honest, the day I will give up my feelings for you. That was New Year when it happened. You sent different loads of emotions to my system that it drove me crazy. Big time.

You don't know how much thoughts of you occupied my mind. Pain, kilig, and even that wistful hope mainly consumed my being. Unread messages, avoidance, and thoughts kept me company for the last 5 months. Until it all came down to now. I thought of a lyric prank to see how you would react if I said I liked you. There were 'haha's' to avoid the awkward atmosphere in our chat convo. You told me you had one last question to ask me. After 2 days, still no reply. I talked to one of my friends and found out you liked someone else, so telling him it was just a prank won't change anything since you never liked me in the first place. The opposite thing had happened.

You sounded mad and made it look like I played you and your feelings. The funny thing is, I already moved on. I moved on from my feelings for you. The only thing that sucks is you made me sound like a heartless player of feelings. I even told you I liked you, but you did the worst thing other than rejection. You saw and made no comment. You are so great at confusing people and making them hope instead of just rejecting them flat. You are worse than heartbreakers. You make people hope in nothing and let them think on their own thoughts.

The worst thing about me? I almost fell for you. You had the other package I was looking for. A bad boy, with the brains and still disciplined. You were rare. At least, that's what I thought. In the end, you were like the rest. A jerk, insensitive guy. You could always turn the table around and be insensitive to the person you're talking to. You had hurt me. Not my feelings, no, I really did move on from that stage. You had hurt my pride, ego, and whole being.

I lost myself trying to get your attention. I know I'm not that smart, pretty or perfect but I still have feelings, too. My pride as a lady was trampled and I hate myself for being too open when it comes to you and my feelings. I became one of those easy-to-get girls I really am not. But still, I wished you the best even though you would never do the same.

They said I should have revenge but I know I would lose myself in the process of doing so. I don't know why the format of this long letter is addressed to you when I know you wouldn't be able to read it.

No words could express what I 'felt' for you. No tears can say the pain I 'feel' when it comes to you. It was daytime when I wrote this, and I can't cry my heart out. You broke me again and stepped on my shattered shards. In the end, I'm the one who will fix myself again. Same reason of being broken.

I just wish that you would understand how hard it is to admit feelings to a guy who will never return your love. You made my feelings look like a toy; easy to be played with. Now, I don't know how to face you. Before, I admire you for being the one tame the wild beasts in the classroom; now, I see a jerk who just stood out in certain qualities.

If acceptance is the way to remove the heavy feeling in chest, then, maybe I did. I did love you without realizing it. Maybe we are too young and this is not really love, but I assure you, it is more than just the 'liking' feeling. I'm sorry if I called you a jerk or what, but that is how I really feel and see you now.

When the time comes you will finally feel the same way towards me. I'm not going to return those feelings anymore. There already came a time I like you, but that time passed. Going back to that stage will not help me be the woman I am meant to be. Maybe I will reject you in a more gentle way than what you did. It was a fun one-sided trip. That adventure made me learn a lot. Thank you for doing stuff that actually did have values in it. Until then, goodbye to you, the one who broke me without ever knowing it.