To The Man Who Broke My Heart

"There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights."

We started as friends. Really close friends. We have so much similarities thats why we easliy clicked. We were so close that our friends teases us and made us a love team. We just road of the flow. Eventually, what was once a role playing to us became a reality.

Everything was fine when we started. But as time goes on, the more we get to know each other, the more conflicts rose. Then you reached your limit. You chose to let go.

Its been 6 months since we ended, and i still find it painful to write about it again. But i became a writer for the sole purpose of sharing my experiences with others, so i guess this is just another one of those moments to be shared among people going through the same exact thing.

These past few months have been brutal. I think i lost my self entirely when you decided that you never wanted to speak to me again, yet i find all reasons to blame myself for it. I really cannot put into words how it feels to have your first love break your heart or how long it'll take to get over it. I dont know the answers to these questions, and i think. I'll always be searching for them.

You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and i know in my heart you felt the same. But i'll tell you right now that the happiness you gave me will never felt again for the longest time. And the reason for this is because you really did break my heart, and i have to gain back the self-esteem i so desperately lost. I want to be who i was before this, but after you lose someone you love, you really are never the same person again.

I thought that for 6 months. It was plain misery, and i kept telling myself that it would never get better. I truly did believe that i sat in my own pain and suffered because i didnt think anything would cure my depression. I was alone for most of the time, and within 6 months i have really grown into somebody i thought i would never be. I've matured enough through this heart break.

I was bitter at first. Because the reason you gave me is you cant manage your studies and lovelife at the same time. I kept asking why did you courting me if you cant do both? But then, i saw how dedicated you really are to the path you've chosen.

So what im trying to get at is that relationships are never supposed to be forever, but you will get better. I promise, i really do hope whoever reads this finds the courage to move on and never look back, you can reminisce on the memories all you want. That is okay. But dont torture yourself. I used to be addicted to looking at pictures of us because i felt that it is not the matter is the only thing i still had of us, but the truth of the matter is the only things i really do have are the memories, and those too are in the past. So forgive yourself for your mistakes, but know that this relationship is supposed to teach you things.

Youre said and done, youre going to get better. You will learn to love yourself again. But when the time comes around everymorning ive wake up, i really miss you. But now since you left me my little cat everymorning hes patiently waiting for me to woke up, meowing, licking my shoulder and lying beside me, as in always. Hes been my alarmclock since you left me, i hope you can going back to me.

You still remember the time when we arrived in another country, you still remember the quotes that you always said to me is to be a PINEAPPLE, Stand tall wear a crown and be a sweet on the inside and be a girl with a mind. A woman with attitude and a lady with class. Hey boy! I miss you so bad.

Although he was a part of my high school life for two years, he remains in the past, and thats were he'll stay. I love you, but i need to love myself even more, im sorry for being too desperate trying to get your attention. I will be distancing myself not because  i dont love you anymore, but because i know things will never happen the way i expect them to be. I will just love you in silence.
Someday i can find perfect guy who deserve me that he would never leave me, not after having a fight, not after hearing  my secrets, not after seeing me crying. Someone who will stay in my life. I deserve someone who doesnt make me fear abondonment. Someone who can bring me up my deepest thoughts with or without having a worry about whether my honesty is going to chase them away. I deserve someone who will stay by my side forever.

I also remenisce the memory when we decided to go for a walk. The whole time you were making jokes and talking about her-the girl lucky enough to call you hers. Well, not yet, anyway. Thats what you were telling me about. How she needed a break and too many people have hurt her. I instantly thought of myself. I knew how she felt, but you didnt. You were always the heartbreaker, not the heartbroken. So you were asking me what to do. I stayed quiet, letting the winter nights wind blow through my hair.

We kept walking and talking. The others went ahead, and we were left alone. The conversation started normal, talking about school and simple things. Then the sky turned darker and the moon came out. It seemed.. more romantic now. You didnt like that, i assume as everytime it went quiet for a few seconds, and i looked at the sky, you would start talking again. I didnt realise how telling a moment of silence could be until then.

Until i wanted to kiss you, then and there. So badly i always wanted you to be my first kiss, but i didnt. I couldnt. I think you knew something was up. I stared blanky into the night, thinking, when you spoke. You were talking about some girl and how pretty she was. I told you that i wished i could be that pretty, that i wished boys can noticed me. You said nothing. I think you felt bad for me. A broken little girl. Sure, i smile, i laugh, but on the inside im crying, screaming for help.

I want you out of my head. But you wont leave. Your soft hands your warm heart, your sweet smile, and your god-awful hair. It wont leave, i cant have you. I want you so badly, but its never going to happen.

We walked in silence for a while. I stared into the sky, where a plane was imitating a star. You were quick to point that out. The tension had built now, for some reason, even after all those months. It was still a little weird between us. The headlights of the cars passed us one by one, casting our shadows into the fragile trees that lined the road.

It had felt like years of silence when i finally spoke. You were taken aback. Saying how im weird for liking space so much. I said to you, "I like space, just how you like pretty girls so much". Your response took me by suprise. Silence. You didnt say anything. Before you could, you saw one of your friends. You smiled and said hi then continued walking besides me. "Hes hot", i stated, trying to get your attention. "You think every guy is hot", you replied.

I began to explain to you that, to me, since i am not pretty and i dont get attention from guys, that any guy who i might have a chance with is considered "hot". You responded with a chuckle and kept walking. We were at the car now. It was time to say goodbye. I wanted to leave so i didnt have to see your face. So i didnt have to feel anything. But love doesnt work that way.

But now i have my own word. Dont look back, youre not going that way again. You might feel worthless to one person, but you are priceless to another.

Thank you to my friends that we shared happy moments since you left me, i officially happy with them. Everymoment we lived together, everymoment that we are happy because life must go on. Sometimes you just have to step forward, and move on. No questions, no doubts, no looking back. Just move on, you might feel worthless to one person, but you are priceless to another.

Dont make any promises when you are happy, and dont make any decisions when you are mad. When you worry about what other people think of you, you give up the power to enjoy you. And always take note, never give permanent feelings for the same reason.

Even though the feelings for you have faded, i know in my heart that im still not over you. I'll always need answers, i believe its called closure. I still check up on you.

Thank you for all the happy and bad memories we've shared. I'll treasure all of them.