To you who came in the middle of my chaos

Before you came, my life is all about writing.

And when I say life, it means my depression and sleepless nights bathing with my own tears and fears.

And when I say bathing, it means I am drowning and nobody saved me.

And when I say nobody saved me, it means I do not want to be saved.

And when I say I do not want, it means I wanted to but my sadness is too saddening that it makes me want to stay sad but I missed being happy.

Then happiness started when I met you.

You came in the middle of my chaos.

When I say chaos, I met you when my stomach is growling with hunger and begging for a cup of noodles and yet there you are talking to me about politics.

Finally, I found someone who is willing to talk to me about worldly things and not remind me of how sad I am or how they pity me because yes, I am sad.

You are that someone who kept me awake late at night. Not that I am not used to staying up late but it seemed to me that I am finally staying up late not curling up and bleeding myself for self-pity but just talking to someone. A someone.

Just some random guy whom I met on a different planet and brought a universe with him for me to escape on.

You unknowingly lend a hand and I too, unknowingly took that hand and let it lift me from the graveyard that I am in.

And when I say graveyard, I meant a deep hole with monsters holding me tight that kept on dragging me deeper. My skin, full of scratches and bruises with blood drenching where it holds.

And when I say monsters, I meant my depression. My anxieties.

My depression. My anxieties. Which I mistook as a home. Because it cradled me every night and day. It took me in when no one ever wanted me. It embraced me when no one ever dared to touch me. And it whispers in my ear with loud disgust and shame when no one ever asked me if I am okay.

And when you came, I did the bravest thing in my life.

I started letting go of my sadness.

It seemed so easy when I think of it as just a sadness. But it was so hard knowing that its beyond from that.

Imagine me wiggling and trying to escape from those monsters, where moving free only tightens their hold on me. Imagine their hands cutting through my skin letting me bleed more and urging me to stop letting go. But I still tried. And up until now, I am admitting that I have not fully escaped but was gladly taking my step.

It still knocks on my door at 3am in the morning. It still nudges me on my side whenever I laugh. It still shows up on my sleep. It kept still.

The only difference now is that I finally have you with me.

And having someone to fight this battle with is enough for me to keep on going. I no longer mistook my depression as my home, I finally knew where it was.