I have always been more interested in knowing about death than life. I spend hours researching about the afterlife and I let silly ideas grow in my head. I drown myself in horror movies however scary or lame they are, in the interest of discovering something - anything about the things normal people don't want to consciously venture into.
There is a song called 'If I die young' by 'The Band Perry' that I sing quiet often. Everytime i sing it, my family raises a brow signaling how I should shut it as I keep feeding my everlasting melancholy with depressing songs like these. Death is a subject no one likes to broach. We think that by not talking about it we will somehow evade it when time comes. Most of us are like ostriches, burying our heads in the sand, pretending to overlook something so inevitable, so crushing to the ones who have to live on after losing someone.
I've always entertained the idea of the entire planet wiping out of existence at once (I was always an 'All or nothing' kind of person (Jockey haha) ) and not even one soul (and one dog) should survive like in the movie 'I am Legend'. Just like how dinosaurs may have faced extinction. That's why when 2012 December came, I went to office, nicely dressed, said bye to my friends, took a last good look at the one-third portion of my PG room that contained my earthly possessions. I spoke extra nicely to my parents on the phone that day(which surprised them) and I waited. I was unable to work that day. I waited for the world to destroy, all at once, but guess what? It didn't. Disappointed, I returned to my room and made a mental note never to trust(read hope) predictions blindly ever again. I am not that naive in general but I can be really blind and dumb sometimes.
Now in 2021, after the chinese monster has taken over the world, when I come to think of it, I double wish that we all should have been wiped off the face of earth at once in 2012. The mass loss, the pain I see all around now, when I read about people gone every hour, when I feel helpless that there is not much we can do but wait it out, I wonder how the people who lost their closest people would be feeling this very moment. The children, the wives, the husbands, the parents, the sisters, the brothers who are left behind, are grieving but eventually are expected to move on(and that's unfair), because life sucks, life waits for no one, it goes on whether you want it to or not. You can keep telling me "Life's good" (LG haha) but I will never be convinced because in my weighing scales I measure life and death differently and I don't expect anyone to understand that. Like all the motivational posts, that ask you to be kind, do this, do that because life is short, No, I am not going to ask you to do that. I will rather ask you to be real, be you, take care of yourself so that you are capable of taking care of others, you don't need to be a poster child, you don't need to be kind to all who most probably don't deserve it. Be kind to yourself first, the rest will follow. If you have a way of letting someone know how you feel, do that, don't keep it in and suffer. What if they die or you die the next hour?
You would say I am preaching, and maybe you are right, because I am one of "them". I hide my feelings under lock and key. I've never been able to let my own family know that I love them. I try but I hesitate. Also, I've only been an empath to other's loss till now. But I am starting to see death or rather the havoc caused by it, more closely now than ever. Recently, I lost a friend who used to be close. I often find myself navigating to her facebook page and staring at her timeline and wondering how time failed her. I regret that we were not close enough lately. I read the old chats we had. Today when corona hit another wicket close to home, I messaged her on Messenger, somehow hoping foolishly that she would come online and talk to me like before. The message was delivered but it will never ever be read by her, will it. Today, I messaged my dead friend.
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