Tonight, I want to breathe, in peace, in acceptance, and in defeat. I am tired in my bones of this fight. How long can I force my eyes dry? How long can I fool myself that I am not sad? How long can the smile in mirror hide my pain? How long can my laughter mask my screams? Just for how long? I am done. I am so bloody done.
I want to bury my face in the pillow and scream my lungs out. I want to be miserable for some time. Every word, each memory, every damn thing is still bottled up in my soul, choking my throat dead. I don't even remember the last time I was honest with myself. I don't remember the last time I told someone how exactly I was feeling. I am just running, running away from reality, from myself, from everything. But I want to stop. I want to sit down and have someone hold my hand. I want someone to hug me. Say nothing to me but just hug me once and tell me that I will be fine.
No, I am not depressed. No, I am not suicidal. Trust me, I want to live. I so bloody want to be happy. I try. I swear to god I try. But, I am not able to be happy, somehow. Some things always drag me down. Some people always make my soul sink into the abyss of doom. You know, sometimes, I try to invent funny in random lame things just to make myself stay happy. I act so desperate to be happy that at times, I feel pity on myself that how sad I have become, inside.
And, I do blame people. Yes, I do blame them for making me what I have become. But I can't go back. I can't ask them - why? I can't, because I don't want anything to do with them. I am scarred enough for a lifetime. I have tried talking about it to my people, but nobody gets the depth of my scars. They think I will be fine after few day, like a recovery from flu. But, it's not like that. Ask me, I battle it every damn day, especially, at nights.
But you know what? I am not giving up. I will cry, yes. I will pour out every trace of that pain tonight. I will fall to my weakest, but I will rise back. I will fight. And one day, I will be proud of how I fought my way out of this. You just wait and watch. Another epic story is in making, and that story will be mine. It's just the first part before intermission, the tears, the heartbreak, and the struggle. The second part of my life will have all the smiles, laughter, joy, and love. Bring it on.