Truth Lie

I stared at the ceiling of my room,  distracting myself with the things sticked on it: a word "just", a drawing of a gun, and two more words "for the" and the next thing is a tape,  seemingly of what had been left of the thing that used to be there. That itself holds some memories,  everything in this room does but no one knows.. Except me. Ah... Indeed,  I am a puzzle with a missing piece that wants to be solved. Everything that I do has meanings waiting to be unfold, I wonder if anyone even realized it and solved it.  I let out a hysterical laugh. I feel.. Nothing at all. I said to my innermost, i still remember about the thing earlier.

——

My childhood friend who grew up with me ever since we were in primary,  sitting opposite of me with our chairs side by side.  She has been confiding to me from time to time,  but this time she had told me a secret of her recent activity. Apparently a boy who is a relative of her relative became her boyfriend out of his own jokes, blackmailed her when she realized that he was being serious and wanted to cut off the connection. Elaine,  few months back she just turned 18 and already received her calling and can legally date or marry now.

I intetly listened to her story and gave her advices and for some reason I unconsciously asked her "Was it Sander,  the one that you liked from Menalya Ward?" She nodded at me with a sheepish smile "I didn't like him to the point of falling for him.  Since I have seen and know the real him in and out of their house, I was attracted to him.  His mother even hot seated me with him in his room" I vaguely heard what she said for I was absorbed in looking at her face. She has a cute small face andeyes, she definitely attracts opposite sex. I thought to myself. She's not pretty but she has the charm if I would say.  It took me a moment to process what she hath said "Ah yes,  I thought you liked a different guy from the same ward tho" "He's the only one I liked from that ward." "What if he asks for your hand in marriage?  Will you  answer him "yes" ?" she processed the question and turned red. "I don't know, I like him and I became close with his family but i'm really not sure" My eyes never went away from staring into hers directly. "If it's him then I approve,  he is quite reliable,  someone you can depend on,  nice and a cat person.  He might have some ehh attitude that i notice but he's good all in all." She laughed at me but agreed with my statement. "how about Kaiser?  Would you accept his proposal if he ask you? " she was taken a back by my follow-up question.

"Him?  I-I don't know,  i don't really like him anymore" ah she might be saying this because she knows that Iliked him and I still secretly do. I did my best to not show any reaction through my face and responded. "Are you being honest,  are you even sure of that?" her face falters and her eyes strayed from mine, she gathered her words together and started "You do know that I liked a lot of people right? " I noded in response "whenever I get over those people I always find myself liking him all over again,  no matter how many crushes I had my feelings for him somehow resurfaces." I chuckled "It's because your feelings for him is deep." Yet she denied it so I continued. "You might deny it but you know it deep inside you,  have you prayed about him?  Then I suggest you do."

She pondered "I have not but I dreamt of him in my sleep,  and some dreams already happened or so I feel it did.  I don't know why but it just happens. " Yes me too,  I had a dream where hewas so close to me and held my hands,  there's onewhere he even put his arms around me in front ofeveryone which is out of his character..  Me too.. I hada lot of dream about him even though I wasn'tthinking of him,  well trying not too but sometimes hereally wasn't in my mind. I smiled at her, "Your subconciousness is thinking of him that's why he's often in your dreams. Don't worry he likes you too"

A minute pass and I stared at her waiting for a reaction,  i was not disappointed "W-what do you mean he likes me?  Why do you say so?"  Her face slighty flushed and her eyes sparkled in curiosity, I breathed softly. I hardly felt cold with the airconditioner on but suddenly I felt cold  and my jaws seems to freeze but I ignored it and enthusiastically responded to Ellaine.  "Well my insticts says so, you know how I always got these stuffs right not boasting about it but yeah" She laughed at this humor and so did I. "First of all he looks at you differently, like his eyes are glued on you. Second he takes care of you,  we all know that he can be a gentleman and he takes care of you specially—" She interupted "You have a point,  we are so close to the point that we share the same plate when we were eating last summer. He waits for me,  get me some food, told me his plans,  remembers me whenever there's a cheese just to tease me ugh that was annoying" But her face shows otherwise. "There was also a time where other people are in the same room as us and there were thunder and lightning storm,  you weren't there that day" Of course I would beabsent,  I had panic attacks due to the storm. "even though there were a lot of people he comforted me,  he patted my head and kept saying 'It's Okay' we were sitting so close together"

It sure is easy to tell if she's smitten. He didn't carewhen I was trembling from fear during our classes,  heeven laughed at me once. Though he did let me grabonto his bag and I appreciate that. I shook these ideas from my head and teased Ellaine "See you do realize that all the things you have said are signs,  he doesn't do that to others and you're a special case. Iknow it well because I observe my surroundings well. He likes you,  he teases you because he enjoys your reactions I do too to be honest" she spoke softly and stared at me "When we took photos during our summer job, he deleted all the pictures except the ones I have in.  Even Jenny saw it." I was surprised for a second but smirked "See i told you! It's such a telltale" she leaned back on her chair and sighed "But I don't get it,  why me?  I didn't do anything."

I soften my way of speaking and replied to her like she is a toddler "You know,  'why' is really not a question that can be answered when it comes to feelings.  There's just too many answers yet they don't fit quite right,  you like the person for who the person is.  It's not about doing anything,  you don't have to do anything. It's not you who decide if he's going to love you." And then silence, it lasted for a minute before she found her words "I can't digest these things right now,  it seems so unreal to me" "Well darling you have to,  this is reality but if you want to be sure of it we need to ask the person himself.  These are only my observations,  and my guts" She smiled wryly "My closeness to his family is a factor too."

——

I can't feel jealousy at all right now,  I would be happy if they end up together.  That would mean i somehow became a wingman for them.  It might seem like a pretense but i'm being sincere here, I am not trying to be a martyr or anything. I simply surrendered to the idea of this not being for me. I don't regret saying thethings i said for i know this is the truth.