The problem with me is that I am not a responsible girlfriend. I am a responsible friend but not to my partners. I hate committment. I hate responsibilities. I hate love and affection. I am just a trashy jerk.
Maybe all this time I'm really not ready yet. To build my trust to people. To deepened my connections to a certain level with a specific person.To start aching for someone's attention. It's not me. I like you today, I don't like you anymore the following day. And that's probably the reason why my ex partners cheated on me. Because I am hard to deal with and my love is unstable.
It's not that I don't mind, it's just that I don't give so much attention to people. I don't love that strong. I don't take relatioship that serious. And I get it, people don't understand sometimes. and I am fine with that. I don't expect people to understand me all the time because I, myself, is also having struggling to understand me every single day of my life.
This has been going on for decades already. No one's to blame but myself. I am just like this. A piece of shit. A living joke. A woman with the steel heart. And I can't change it anymore. There's that fact. And it scares me sometimes but this is the flaw that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.