I woke up every day and everything is still the same, my daily schedule, the unbreathing air, the same girl standing there waiting for the bus with me; she notices me and I notice her but neither went further. I pretend to be happy every day in front of people that I am kind, happy, and noble to mislead them. I pretend to be happy in front of people who in fact causing unhappiness to me indirectly and to avoid the questions of being why I am sad all the time.
“Why am I sad all the time” actually I ask myself the same question yet I can’t find any answers. Is it the fear that one day I might be alone, unnoticed, never to be mourned? Is it the fear that everything and everyone around you will change and move on except me with no goals to reach, not even a dream to cling my hopes on it? Despite everything I do and try to make something special to be proud of, I always become the blamed, the wronged one. And time is growing old and cold as it goes forever and yes I am afraid that one day the wheels of life would turn without me.
This façade, this illusion, that I have created over the past years; the kind person and the noble one among my friends is nothing but a merely deception to myself, to everyone I knew. I am but a sad, miserable, disappointment, losing hope and faith every time I see a glimpse of happiness. A happiness that can change my life but the thing is; I am afraid of change, I let this glimpse of happiness slips through my hands because I am not ready to be that person and I know that no one changes. Even if I became this happy person, a time will come when a disastrous and agonizing moment torments and haunts me letting all the demons of my past to rise again and destroy everything I find it beautiful
I find my solace in reading books and listening to music. For those are my only escapism from all these noisy , pathetic world. I can be happy and have the most beautiful girl beside me but to what end?
I know deep down that I would find better days with her but it won’t last more than a couple of months till she become ordinary to my eyes. Tired of being what she wants me to be, waiting for me to do something extraordinary to love me more. The life I always think about is so much better than this one. All I wanted is someone like me, to understand me, to know the void that I kept filling it with false dreams and hopes. This void that I might fall in it and never get up again.
Until that day… and everything for a moment has changed.
I never believed in the idea of soul mates or the love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that there is someone I might meet exactly like me. Not because she is perfect, but because she completes me; she can fill my void I have been desperately trying to fill it ages ago. I wasn’t that optimistic enthusiastic person who wants to shoot for the stars. I didn’t want money or gold. I want a soul, a kind one. I want to fell asleep and wake up knowing my heart is safe that there is someone waiting for me to call him and say I love you. But The Very first moment I beheld her, my heart was irrevocably gone.
It was this moment when I entered my English class when I saw a new girl sitting next to each other waiting for my teacher to introduce her to us. For me it was nothing new. I’ve never had the experience nor the chance to talk to a girl; always thinking what I am about to say and ending with nothing; only humiliation and embarrassing moments. So I shut my lips and continue to concentrate in my class.
After a few days the teacher chooses two people randomly to work together in an argument conversation and it was me and her… it took me as a surprise that I wasn’t preparing for this event. I was never planning to talk with her by any chance. She was so beautiful to me. She was chaos and beauty intertwined together. It was difficult to describe her angelic face; verbally cannot be expressed how lucky I am to get stuck with her for 30minutes. I was jealous from the wind when it, and not me, had the privilege of properly messing with her hair. I wish you could see the love and her pure spirt when she starts to talk with me. For many a time I have been half in love with her easeful voice; calling her soft names in many a muse rhymes in my mind. I always thought that all the girls are so mean that only the handsome boys can reach them without getting dumped. But not with this one, for she I saw that she wasn’t born for sadness. She was a queen in her kingdom waiting for her king to return home to be with him forever after. I returned home and I couldn’t stop thinking of her. I felt that reality is finally better than my dreams I look for her everywhere; a small gestures made by all kinds of people in the street remind me of her. But I cannot say what is obsessing me; all I could say that she obsesses me utterly and leaves no strength to express it.
Until the next moment had come…