August 7, 2014
Hey,
Its me. You may not ever get these letters because I know that I will probably never have the courage to give them to you. However, I can not be sure, because I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe I'm just trying to make sense out of my own feelings for once. To stop having the agonizing pain of fear and hurt.
A year has passed now since all of this began. Since the first day that I started to feel something that I couldn't understand, a deep care and longing for you that can only be explained with metaphors. Its like for every time that I looked in your eyes, and for every time that you shared even the slightest detail of your life a piece of tread was added to my heart. The other end was in your hand...I struggled to get away..and to run away but in the end the thread was still there...becoming stronger and stronger as I learned more about you.
I have finally come to realize that no matter how far I run from you, we are still connected. I knew we where connected in some way from the first time that we reflected one another. This was in the literal sense...you may have not even noticed but in one moment in time it was as if there was a mirror between us. We were oblivious to one another when it happened but when we met each others looks, that was when I knew that there was something "more" there. Something that I still cant understand to this day.
This connection scared me, I didn't want to accept the fact that I felt this way, so I ran away from you. 1200 miles away to be exact, as far away as possible that I could go. I hoped that then maybe my feelings for you would go away. I kept telling myself that It was just a crush, a stupid temporary impulse that would eventually fade. Its has been a year now, I have had 3 boy friends since last year and yet still the feeling never went away.
To this day I still feel it in my heart, and if I saw you, then I can almost guarantee that the same threads would be in your hand and I would still feel the same connection with you as I have for so long. I have tried everything to make it go away, to forget how I feel for you.
I have asked my self questions like, "What if he gained weight? What if he lost one of his limbs? What if he became blind or deaf? What if he became paralyzed from the neck down? Would I still feel like this?" Every time...every answer was always yes...I would, because it doesn't matter how successful you are, or what physical state you are in, all that matters to me is you. Just yourself and your true heart that cares and loves others in such a way that is so pure and beautiful that it brings tears of overwhelm to my eyes.
I have honestly never felt this way about anyone before. As I walk through all of my relationships, even my first love, I have never felt this strongly for someone in my entire life. That scares me more than you will ever understand. You have probably not even noticed...noticed how we are connected.
I know why this is, unfortunately it is because you do not feel the same way towards me. You care about me yes, but not in the same way that I care for you. I know what its like to be in a relationship where one cares about the other more that the other cares about them. I was the other one, I tried to feel the same towards him, but I have learned that love doesn't work that way.
All that I want for you is to be truly happy, for you to love someone and for them to love you in the same way...because I never want you to go through what I go through every time I look in your eyes, knowing that you dont love me, and that you will never know that I love you.
Goodbye for now,
Shyla