I have come to the point in my life where I stood in the middle of everything that had happened and everything that yet to come.
Where things are too messed up for me to breathe but I never got the chance to walk away. Where all that there is seems to be challenges I never asked for…I never think I could overcome. I have arrived at the point in this short time I have stayed on this world that all the steps I take lead me to crossroads, dead ends and close doors.
At this moment, every day that passes seems just like every other day that will arrive.
I repeat all the same mistakes and tally the draw back in the back of my palm, for me to see every time I feel that things are going better, they actually do not.
Every sunrise is an opportunity to redeem the self I lost last night, to the demons that haunt me to my bed, until the time I close my eyes. They follow me in my head, down to my heart and back up. I rarely dream but when I do, they stay there until I wake up.
You see, sleep had never been an easy task.
People saw it as a common fault, since I’m too stress they say or too feed up. What they do not know, the thing I rather keep to my self than explain is that despite the fact that I want to rest and calm my nerves as the sunsets and everyone is expected to take a break from the day, my head will never allow my body to…but don't get me wrong, its not that I don’t want to, it’s just I can’t and that's two different things.
As I lay down in my bed, nights on endless toss and turn had increase overtime.
At first I did not bother, thought I’m back with my common case of insomnia and what not. Little did I know that there are other things my body wanted to tell me, my head wanted me to realize.
When I’m awake, I’m in full control, of what I feel, what I think and what I wanted to do. On the contrary, when we sleep, we drift into slumber, into rest for others, into somewhere we cannot grasp everything in our surroundings. It's a time, a short while that we let go of ourselves and put everything behind us so we can relax and recharge but it's a complete opposite for me.
I started to prefer being awake, unconsciously, I kept forcing myself to be in the sober side so that I will not think of things I do not want to think about. So no demons can haunt me, follow me into my dreams and tell all the things I do not want to hear.
In the long run, I became scared of rest itself, thinking that when I do, I slack off…that I’m not doing my best… that I’m no compare to others that stay awake until 3 AM just to do things they can actually do in the morning.
I developed anxiety and I never even realized when it had been sitting by my bedside every night I call it a day.
All this time, people see me as a strong girl, mentally and physically. The latter presumption was overruled when we discovered I had a little problem with my valves, causing some hard breathing and shortness of air from the to time but it never bothered them too much, I am misled they say…I’m still the strong girl before all of this, they added.
The only problems is, I am not.
Putting it honestly, I never in my whole life expected to feel such a loser, such a weak girl trying to figure out what is going on, what kind of life I’m walking into. I never imagined to be in state of mental battle every single day, every single time my emotions gets the worst of me.
The hardest part is, when all I wanted is to get noticed, for them to see the wound the world has inflected me, for others to notice that I can be pained too, that sadly, my head is slowly creeping into the bad side of things, I look around and say no…I need to be strong.
Why?
Its harder to explain what I’m feeling than pretend that everything is okay. Its better to keep this facade of smiles and laughter than unzip the bandage covering the mess inside my heads.
I’m scared.
I’m terrified to let them see the demons lurking in the corner of my head, thinking that who am I to feel this way? Who am I to spill my pain and let others look at them, scrutinize them and sympathized about them.
Who am I to get people be worried?
Who am I to be the rain in such sunny day? It's better to see the rays of the sun than pull the gloomy cloud over other people lives… that’s why, I try my hardest to be strong, fight these feelings, these emotions I never recognized in one point, in the middle of the night when I’m typing away all them into words and sentences that are too sad for me to fathom where they came from.
I write, and write and write and in no time, I got a folder full of these sad complains, promises never kept and pieces of broken heart.
My love for writing had became an outlet of everything I cannot say and of all the little things left unspoken.
It’s sad, truly unexpected because as I continue and try to finish this piece, I laugh bitterly and think how the time had changed and all that remains is never the same because the girl I am now writes whenever I’m sad, when my head starts to drift into a place so scary yet so familiar at the same time and that is something I never imagined to be…