It had been a painful past for us. It was a painful memory for me although I'm not sure if it's still the same for you. You made me believed that something strong could last forever. You filled my mind with promises that you just broke. You filled my heart with emotions that I can no longer understand. It was once a magical love story yet we end up hurting each other. At that moment when we realized that there was no longer an us, I had this question in my mind. What if? What if we never met?
What if we never met? What if I haven't found you? What if I haven't known you?
What if at that moment when I was totally drown from my ex, I haven't agreed to my friend's suggestion of knowing some random person just to turn my attention into something else? Maybe I wouldn't have tortured myself on engaging again in an unsure relationship when I'm not even ready of pain again.
What if I never accepted your friend request in Facebook? Maybe I could have the chance of finding someone better. Someone who won't ignore me in social media when we are fighting. Someone who is ready for a public apology after publicly denying me. Someone who's not you.
What if I never replied when you texted me? Maybe I could have spent those minutes into sleep. I wouldn't have wasted my time waiting for your messages on my phone. I wouldn't have wasted my time texting you and calling you because you never did. I wouldn't have wasted my time checking out how are you when I'm not even fine myself. I wouldn't have wasted my time asking you if you have eaten your lunch when I haven't ate anything since the other night.
What if I haven't fought with you that August night just because of some silly jokes and just slept. We wouldn't have apologized the morning we woke up. You wouldn't have said sorry for being over the line and I wouldn't have said sorry for my short temper. I wouldn't have believed in the thought that you know how to accept your mistakes and realized later on that you don't.
What if I never replied to your good mornings the days afterwards? Maybe I couldn't have fooled myself with your sweet little talks. Maybe I couldn't have fallen in love with you. Maybe I couldn't have missed you when I don't see you. Maybe I couldn't have longed for you when you never called me or texted me even once in a day. Maybe we haven't reached that late October night and maybe I couldn't have heard you say "I love you"...
What if we never met? Maybe I couldn't have endured pain a year and endured it again for another year because I was foolish enough to forgive you, give you another chance, and accept you simply because I love you. And maybe I couldn't have blamed myself over and over again because you said it had always been my fault. Maybe I could have given myself a chance to renew myself before I take chances for love again. And maybe I couldn't have seen myself in the mirror feeling unworthy because you made me felt that way.
What if we never met? Maybe I never asked myself the whys. Why are you always angry? Why are you blaming for the things I never did? Why are you taking it all out on me when you're upset of your life? Why are you calling me dirty names that you know I never am? When I shared my dreams with you and when I made my dreams for us, why am I not included in yours? Why did you even say you love me when you're too impatient of me? Why did you promised that you'll wait for me and blamed me for making you do so? Why did you date another girl just because I'm hurt and I'm mad at you? Why did you let us go that easy? Why did you let me go when you know I'm still holding on? Why did you made me believe that when love is stronger than distance, nothing will keep two lovers apart? Why did I even choose you over someone better? Why did I let myself fall so deeply in love with you? Why did I took the risk of loving you again when my heart is still burned with pain and anger?
So much whys. So much wasted time. So much what ifs. So much love. So much pain.
I thought that after two years of space, I haved recovered already. But it seems like I'm just someone who needs a heart transplant with no donor. It had been a long time since I started this stage of moving forward. But it seems, I'm not yet even halfway the journey. Or... maybe not.
What if I haven't known you? I wouldn't have known the prettiest man that ever courted me. I wouldn't have met the most cheerful man and the lost silliest boy. I wouldn't have the chance to be with a man who puts on his mask in front of everybody but shows his true self to me. I wouldn't have felt the fulfillment of receiving an explaination when I'm too doubtful of what and how much love can do for us. If I haven't known you, I wouldn't have had the chance to choose love again and again and for a countless times.
Why are you always angry? Maybe because you're upset of something I don't understand and you can't even explain. Sorry for not being able to comprehend.
Why are you blaming me for the things I never did? Maybe because it was too painful for you to accept that we fought and I was hurt. Maybe because it was painful for you to say sorry because you're unsure if I will still forgive you. So you blamed me because you know I love you and I was stronger that time than the broken you. Sorry for not knowing your pain and just thinking of mine.
Why are you taking it all out on me when you're upset with your life? Maybe because you're life was still a mess at that time and you wanted to make it up to me but you don't know where to start. Sorry for losing the grip just because I was afraid to be within a mess with you.
Why wasn't I part of your dreams? Maybe because it's been a long time since you made a dream for yourself and you don't know how to make a dream where there's the both of us. Maybe it was too hard for you. Sorry for not giving you enough time to recover your dreams first before pushing you to mine.
Why did you promise that you'll wait for me and blamed me for making you do so? Maybe because it was too long for you. And the journey of waiting hurt us both. Maybe because those two years when we're supposed to be building the relationship, we wasted it by destroying each other's trust and heart.
Why did you let me go when you know I was still holding on? Maybe because you know we will only keep on destroying each other at that moment. Maybe because you thought that we were too messy to clean the relationship. Maybe because you've seen that we were both not yet ready to fight for a love that we aren't sure of for we were not yet able to recover from the darkness of our past. Because we aren't ready to fall in love again with the full package. Because we failed to find our worth yet. We were too exhausted. We're like fallen warriors and you know we need a rest.
It is true that love is stronger than distance. But I realized, it wasn't love that kept us apart. Nor distance. We grew apart because we never knew our worth in the first place. How can we love in full package when we don't even believe that we deserve that gift? How can we accept somebody else when can't even accept ourselves? We can't ask for love when we can't even give it to our own heart. We can't.
Why did I choose you over someone better?
Because I love you...
And even if the universe gave me a million reason to not love you, I would still choose that one good reason to love you. That "someone better" cannot compare to that strong love that I felt for you.
I would still choose you...
Why did I choose to love you over and over again even if loving you was already too painful? It is because I love you. And my love was bigger than your mistakes. That's why I chose you again.
Isn't it suppose to be that way? When you love someone so much, you don't care no matter how painful it may be. Because you choose to love and that's what you want and that's what makes you happy. When you love someone, you're ready to risk, forgive and accept the person you love. Nothings more magical than a love so true and be with the person you love so true.
I loved you. And that was true.
You loved me. And I know it was true. Though I don't know if it's still the same.
And now, that's all that matters. I can no longer deny that I once made a magical love story with you. A story worth remembering. I will always remember you and the love we shared. We don't know if it would still exist or is still existing, but the fact that such kind of love once existed is enough for me to know and understand how much love can offer to us.
Love built us. Love is why we met. It never destroys. Our decisions destroyed us when love was trying to keep us together.
We chose to quarrel instead of talks. We chose anger than understanding. We chose pain over love. We chose giving up instead of holding on. We chose to leave rather than stay to where our heart is.
To the man I love... thank you. Thank you for coming into my life. I don't regret loving you. I don't regret having you. And I don't regret that we're no longer us. I don't regret that you left and I'm now walking away...
You left me with memories I can keep and lessons that I can learn from. Till the last moment I will hold on to those memories.
One day, I'll recover from all these pain. I will always keep a part of you in here. A part of us in my heart. You may be a nightmare. But a nightmare that I wouldn't forget. You are a beautiful nightmare to me though I don't know if it's the same for you.
I love you and I'm saying goodbye to the past. Goodbye love.
Till we meet again.
Some people asked me a random question.
What if we meet again? What will happen by then?
What if for us, there's a second chance? Will we take a risk again?
What if we meet again? What if we're destined for each other?
I smiled and then I answered,
"I know that we are the writers of our own book. If ever we meet again. If ever... until then, we still have the same kind of love for each other. If ever... we both found our self and loved our self by then. If ever... by then, we are ready to risk in love again. Then, I'll take the chance and write a new magic with him and start a new chapter together.
For now, I'll just let destiny decide whether it leads me to him or not..."
Two questions are nearly the same. They give us the logic of to not to is to not to live.
What if we never met?
What if we never loved?