I have been living my chikdhood under one and one one mission..make my mom finally happy..give her what she wanted to be content.. I couldn't give her marriage but I could give her obedience, good grades, good job, money, new car and a new house..
This was my long life mission, only that it got shredded when she died when I was 17.
Pooofff, no mom, no mission, just an empty person who has no idea why she is living any more.
I found meaning for me is pleasing and supporting someone else.. technically family
I chose the worng people to please, and that got me through a lot of hardships in life..
Some suggested I'd please myself.. it didn't work..meaning for me is family..
At a time I wasn't a good enough person to be anyone's family, so I worked towards change..every change I made had one mission and one goal, be a good enough person to be someone's family..
Tragedy here is that I don't have a family and don't belong to one
No mom, workholic dad, and self centered aunts.. I have no family..
And there comes therapy, where I know and finally admit I have depression, that is because I have an existential crisis, not the one we use to joke about life, the real one
The one -as my friend describes it- that takes the groud off of your feet, and leaves you floating and lost..
The one where you grasp for meaning hoping that one day you will find a real meaning..
The one that doesn't kill you but makes you okay with dying, what's life worth living for if you don't and can't have a family
So that's what's wrong with me..
Given the details I haven't mentioned and the ground I haven't found and the home that I don't belong to, and the constant running in search for meaning, I have to admit that this is too much, and it has taken it's toll on me..
My therapist adviced to read man's search for meaning, hoping to find a new perspective.. and here I am..still running towards every possibility to find myself, every possibility to belong, and be worthy of existence ..
Story