When I started living the Love!

DEAR DIARY

Greeting won't do much, as there is a crisis of words over what I feel. Every morning, I wake up I have doubts about myself and every night I sleep heaping them as my pillow. The time I look into the mirror, I find myself confused and I just try to hide the wrinkle of worries and complaints with a soft layer of makeup.

I don’t complain about what I am today, I just wish that someone someday could just really care for that, instead of pretending. I stand as a strong, motivated independent woman of today, but a part of me is lonely and isolated. The past, the present and the future, I try to keep everything separate, but the strings are attached that binds me to a weak anxious and damaged woman.

The strings are separated that connects me to what I am, what I want to be and what I am becoming. I have never complained or accused the part of my life that are somewhere responsible for the legacy my life is now following. I have tried to be a new me, every time I am left broken and unaccompanied. But what proves the loyalty each time, are the endings of my stories that keep on repeating from time to time.

I know I am not tired, not fed up with the monotony I face, but surely I need a peace from the hunt.

The stories of my life till now with whosoever, a saintly sinner  or a confused screed, is all I had to summarize for the moment. From my start to a new track, all I received as a complimentary present was some scares, plenty of questions and yes, some never ending thoughts that are enough to be the reason of my fretfulness.

Blame-game, no but just a possible step to find the connecting root and some answers that I am hiding. A step to unpack the baggage may not be an appropriate step, but worth to try.

I have a lot to say about the stories I tried to live, but it may leave me on the docks. For what I did, it was a start every time but was it worth. I have questions for myself, but before that, I need to find whether it was a curse, coincidence or fate.

They say, love happens once, but I tried to find it even after failing each time. I tried to move on, but again, I found myself standing alone bare hand.

Because what I did was my choice, but why it happened is the mystery.

All year at school, we never shared a talk. You knew me well; I had heard rumours about you. But it started. Your smile was always adorable, innocent and yes, charming, at least to me it was. We both were different in all manner, our choices, priority and lifestyle, but yes it started. The day I received a friend request and it was you. My heart was throbbing faster than it ever could. I was nervous, curious and, yes excited too. A click and in a few seconds, I was numb. This was just about the time when we were socially connected.

And it started at the moment when we became friends, our talks, and gossips and yes, the way you used to complement each and everything. I was afraid, really afraid to be with you. But a part of me was dying to know you better, to prove everything was wrong, everything I heard about you was wrong. Every day I hoped you see the real you, who was someone that I need, I wish for.

You knew I was scared, I told you. And I remembered the way you convinced me to just give it a try. I wanted to trust you and yes I did. I was happy knowing that what I assumed you, those were the fake tales. And for the first time, being wrong made me happy.

Just to let you know, you were the first one who made me blush, smile and feels more than what I really was. It had started.

Remember the evening you told me you were leaving the city, I cried. It felt that a part of me was just dying and yelling for help. I know you have no idea what that was for me. I was falling for you, and you were leaving me alone to live in uncertainties and insecurities. But I was feeble to do anything.

The fairytale ended right from the moment of detachment. No calls, no texts and yes, just some of the excuses and hopes. That was the toughest part of our journey. I knew I had failed, but yes, there is always to anticipate. And for that, I kept waiting for you.

I was happy; you were here back for a few days. But yes, I was happy. We met and I just wanted to hold the moment to be there with you till the time we could be together. For the first time, someone had touched me, my lips, my skin and every part of my body.

But you know what, I couldn’t feel the love. The love I wanted to feel was not there. I just wanted to know what it was. But today I think I have the answer.

When you hugged me, I tried listening to your heartbeats, to feel what I wanted to feel, but I failed.

“Somewhere I knew, there was not love.” It was the physical urge of your body. The satisfaction and sexual hunger of yours was my first love.

A teenage girl was just trying to feel the sanity, but she failed.

And you proved me right when I denied. I denied being the next girl you wanted to sleep with and you left me all broken without leaving any explanation.

My first heartbreak, because of trusting the wrong guy. Yes, you were the first wrong choice I made. I was young enough to understand what love is, but not too young to know what lust is.

I decided to bury you like a bad dream, no talking about you, not disclosing our relationship with anyone. I decided not to disclose to you as a part of my life ever. You had become the mysterious secret of my life till now.

Years later, you showed up suddenly. Four years but I felt the same when I read your name. Same excitement, curiosity, but this time there was no love. It was soreness, betrayal and questions that I never wanted to ask.

Years after, the night we spend with, might be some moment you never wanted to lose, an opportunity you don’t want to skip. But for me it was nothing. I tried to feel the love again assuming that maybe I was wrong. Whatever you told might be right, but every time my heart tried to trust you, you failed.

We could be together again if you have proven me wrong. If the night we shared was just a night, I could have fallen for you the way I did earlier. Just an effort and yes, I was all yours by my will, leaving everything behind.

I wish you really mean every single word you said, every touch of you was selfless and every minute with me was your desire. That night somewhere, I wanted to feel it again. I wanted you to hug me for the entire night and make me feel secure. I hope you could just have held me tight and tried to fix all the broken pieces. I wish.

But this time I didn’t want to lose. I knew you were not the one, and you proved me true for the first time.

My love for you was pure, but a sin proved me right.

Yours,

Hope you know me