Hi.
It's been a long time.
It's been a long time since I wrote about you.
=========
Year 2015.
That was the first.
You didn't know, right?
I have told you of all the guys I wrote about before,
but never,
not even once,
mentioned this to you.
The first love letter I have ever wrote in my life.
The letter that I ended up throwing away.
The letter I wrote even if my hands were freezing because of the strong winds of winter.
The letter I wrote because my heart was beating too fast, that I don't know what to do.
The letter I wrote despite the fact that I was struggling too much that time.
That letter was about you.
It was one-sided and pity, so I hid it.
I hid it from you.
I hid it from everybody.
I don't want anyone to know about it so that I can still allow myself to watch you from a far.
I was satisfied back then.
====
But then, when everything just seems so fine, I bumped into that day.
University Festival.
Although you might not remember it at all, that's when I first chose to give up on these feelings.
Honestly, I loved it when we bumped into each other.
However, when I turned around, I saw you hugging someone.
A girl I know from the department.
I don't know why my feet froze on the sight of you hugging someone else.
That time, I still don't understand why my chest felt so tight like it wants to be swallowed by the ground for once.
A crush should not pain this much.
That's what I told myself.
Again, I convinced myself that it's just a little crush.
It's just a useless feeling that I can just forget in time.
====
My life went on and I felt a lot better.
Ah. I am finally fine and dandy.
I was happy and I felt relieved with the thought that my one-year crush is over.
Until,
fate played a big joke on me.
We both became a part of the student council.
We
Met
Again.
====
When you entered the room to introduce yourself to the club, my focus went out imbalanced.
Most of the time, my eyes were just fixed on you.
I cant help myself but steal sneaks and stares at you.
I couldn't even believe that you appeared in front of me.
Everyday seems like spring when you around.
We got closer and closer, not even bothering the time we spent talking and laughing together.
And as hard as it seems, I avoided every reason to fall in love with you.
I dated many guys for those 2 years to avoid my crush on you from growing. Because I hate admitting it to myself.
How could your heart flutter every time you are with him?
That's what I always tell myself.
The thing is, I could not accept the fact that I am having an intense crush on my bestfriend.
So, I linked you to many girls that I know have been smitten by your charms.
Even if it brought me a heavy feeling inside, I even linked you to our friend.
Ah, she likes him. He likes her, too.
Because I can tell at first sight that your feelings were mutual, I decided to be a bridge between you two.
A diary of two unsaid feelings.
She was honest, you were denying.
She was waiting, you were not ready.
And I? I am between the two of you.
I tortured myself looking at you trying to escape from the pain when she finally found someone else.
====
Do you know how many times I've dreamt about you?
Do you know how much I resisted myself from kissing you every time you bring your face a centimeter away from me?
Do you know how many snap shots of you have I taken all this time as I watch you from a distance?
Do you know how much I hated my heart and resented myself from feeling so good every time you hold my hand?
Do you know how much I want to own your hands every time you walk me home after class?
Do you know how much I want to own you and have you just for myself every time you hold my hand while we enjoy our walk around the streets of the city at night?
Do you know how much I fall in love with you every time you sing with your beautiful and romantic voice?
Do you know how much my heart skips a beat every time we sing along our favorite love song together?
I badly want to tell you this,
but...
I JUST CAN'T.
No matter how much I want to confess, my mind will gladly hold me back.
We are too close now that if you ever know about this, our friendship would be over.
We are too close that I could not afford to lose you.
====
When I thought I am over you, reality slapped me hard in the end.
I was never over you.
I have been avoiding you and my silly feelings, yes.
And I thought, I have succeeded.
Unfortunately, I failed.
You just can't control the beating of your heart, can you?
I mean, who can?
How can I unlove someone who deserves the love so much?
How do I unlove someone whom I've been trying to unlove all this time?
How do I unlove you when my heart misses you this much?
Everywhere I go, is filled with memories of you and me.
Everything is just too filled with memories of you.
And I just can't unlove you, right? Especially when everytime we meet, you always greet me with a hug and a warm smile.
I still can't believe, that once again, I am loving you from a distance.
I still can't believe that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that this love doesn't exist,
I am here with my journal and my pen,
writing about you.
====
It hurts to think that this love might continue to be a one-sided love forever.
I still cry a river every night, thinking of you,
who can never be mine.
I still carry that smile you love seeing on me, even if deep inside, I want to tell you that it is because of you.
I still allow you to hold my hand like it's just nothing to us, to me, even if my heart is beating too fast, that I am almost having a hard time catching my breath.
I still say nothing when you talk to me with you face just an inch away from mine, as if my heart is not dying to kiss you.
And I,
will still be doing the same.
For that's just how we have been normally. It would be strange for us not to act that way towards each other.
And I will just keep on hiding these feelings to myself.
Like a stupid, coward, little girl, I will continue to love you from the secrets of my own words.
As long as I write it down, I'll be fine.
As long as you don't get to read it, things's would be fine.
As long as you don't know how I feel for you, we'll be fine.
And that would be insanely enough.
Because when I thought of you reading this, you would know it right away.
That when I thought I was over you...
I started writing about you...