"When too much love and comfort becomes suffocating and you feel caged..."
There were countless moments,
countless times,
when you asked me for my reasons for giving you up...
At that day, I didn't answer.
Not because I can't but because I don't want to.
I don't want to torment you any further by just giving you the excuses I saved for the last two years.
For those excuses aren't even halfway of the real reason.
Don't get me wrong.
I love you. I really do.
You eyes were like fireworks to me. They fly up in the sky like shimmering starlights in the night. They were the prettiest sheen I have ever seen.
Your mouth was the safest haven of my name. Your call was like wedding bells to my ears and when you spoke of love, it sounds like forever do exist.
Your body was my safest shelter from the storm. It was strong and firm yet soft and warm. It is the only place on earth I can call my home.
Your love is the most wondrous fairytale ever written. It was complete, firm, and true like gold and diamond and your "I love you" is my favorite line in all season.
You are more than a human to me for you gave me all kinds of feeling. You are all colors in one, at its full brightness. You are perfect and assuring. In you, I have seen the future ahead of me.
This is true. Believe me. I did not deceive you. And I never will.
But I can't deceive my self as well.
Your eyes that looks like flying and shimmering fireworks became burns and fears to me. As I see you shine the brightest while my life is in a deep dark night, I see myself as just one of the watchers in the ground, looking up to you, and watching you glimmer and fade. And all that's left in me are the burns from your own fire. Stars are smaller than me yet I feel smaller and powerless than them. And to me, you became that star. The star in the endless sky which I can only watch but never reach. You are a man of beauty and pride. And I? I am only one of the women in earth. While you have the whole universe, I can't even call a world my own. I feel small and ugly. Someone a star doesn't deserve.
Your mouth that used to be my name's safest haven became a cave I find harder to get in. When you call out my name, I felt like being punished. And I was afraid, I would be of disgrace. The wedding bells that I used to hear, slowly became large pianos playing the death march of our "undying" love. You shouted like crazy when I didn't respond to your call and called me names I never was before. You know me well yet you talk as if I am a different person. Your wonderful voice that captured my heart became the voice that has spoken the most painful words ever invented. The symphony I used to listen when you kissed my lips became the loneliest melody of a monster born in the devil's feast.
Your body that used to be my strongest armour in war, became the body I am now battling against. And in the recent storms that I had to face, I faced it all alone without a shield. And your body feels like a heavy metal to me now. The thing once warm became cold and rusty. The hardness I believed was mine became owned by you and I am just another somebody. The heat I used to feel in winter, has now become winter in the middle of summer. And to believe that it is the only place on earth I can call my own, made me realized that I wasn't home and am now facing all odds alone.
And the wondrous love I carried with me in my travels in a wondrous place became a fairytale ever written in history. Like supersticions and beliefs the elders made, your love is no longer something I can firmly believe. When I felt like it is worth living, your love became a toxin that chokes me in time, leaving me panting and barely breathing. When I almost believed that fairytales and happy-ever-after notions may possibly exist, your love became a slap in the wind saying, "Forever is an illusion, fools have made". And it left me crying everytime your "I love you" grew into a devil telling me, "Who are you to call my name?"
You were more than a human to me and so I treated you like God. Like a perfect persona of a man I adore which in my dreams I play with, in galore. And then I became small and nothing than a God-like man like you. I can no longer see myself as someone who deserves a man as perfect as you.
Yes, as said, I have seen the future ahead of me. But the pictures of the future became hurting to my eyes.
The "me" will follow you like crazy.
The "me" who will do anything in your name.
The "me" who lives up to your own expectations.
The "me" who keeps living to give you all the pleasure.
And the "me" who became "me" because that is the "me" you expect and want me to be.
And this scares me the most.
Forgive me of my selfishness, my love.
I love you.
But to live as to what you want me to is not the kind of love a homeless woman like me needs.
I have messed up my life in the past and I have not yet recollected my broken pieces yet.
This sadness and insecurity that is living inside me kills the beauty you have seen in me. It would make me selfless yet dissatisfied.
It will keep us but will break us both in the long run until all that's left in us is regret.
If you really love me, please let me go. So I can find myself again, pick up the broken pieces, rebuild the life I've lost and love myself first until it is enough to share a part of that love who can fill in the missing blanks.
Unfortunately My Love, it is not you. You are so full of love that you are not afraid to give it all to me. However, that only made me less. I only received love from you for I cannot give love to myself. And since love in me is empty, I cannot give you the love you need as well. Our love story became one-sided and weak.
And because I love you and your beauty needs to be preserved for the girl you really deserve, I am letting you go.
You said you only need one woman in your life and that would be enough...
But sorry.
That isn't me.
I will only break you into pieces until you have nothing left but your tears.
I will only take away the beauty you have in you.
For there is nothing I can give you.
And the worst that I came to see is that your great love became a choking sensation and suffocating phenomena to me...
I ain't free.
I was caged by your love trying to fight the battle of life with you when I haven't finished my own battle yet.
It is sad and disappointing.
It is painful and grim.
But it is what we have to do when too much love and comfort became cages and carbon monoxide to our heart and our lungs.
It wasn't healthy.
I know this is selfish.
However, for once in my life, I had to be.
So I can find love in a rightful place and you can find love that righteously fits.
Why did I gave up on us?
For love is never enough.
You need yourself.
I need mine.
I will never be JUST YOURS.
And you will never be JUST MINE.