I do believe that you are one of the reasons I am the women I am today. Wether I like it or not, you did have an impact and many where the decisions I made thinking about the lessons you made me learn.
Hate is not an unknown feeling to us as our friendship started with hate. Funny how you were, and still remain, the only person I ever resented hatred for. Funnier, how from someone I despised, you became someone I loved, with all my heart.
Needless to say, you know the rest of the story, and I promised myself that this year, I’ll do this ‘birthday paragraph’ differently, instead of the same old summary I do every year.
Even if I did not tell you verbally, but you might’ve noticed that till recently, I was madly in love of you. Even though my eyes settled for many others, my heart not even once, not for a fraction of a second has betrayed you. You were the only one, I have ever loved with all my devoted soul.
I never understood why I fell for you, since you had every characteristic I despise in a guy, yet I do believe there was something in your hazel eyes, something I did not know, that made me fall for you over and over each time I wondered in your eyes.
If there’s one thing I have never told you in my entire life is that, since the first glance, the first time our eyes met, something deep inside of me told me that you were going to be an important person in my life, but I hadn’t figured it out back then.
You were everything to me, and I really do mean it. There was not a single thing that I did in my life without me thinking about it.
Nevertheless, we were not together so I could not show you all of the writings I wrote about you. You were my muse, my source of inspiration, my favourite masterpiece. You were my favourite chapter that I could not read out loud, and that’s why I decided to love you in silence. That’s why I never told you I was writing a poetry book, because all of the poems were mainly about you.
I was in pain, mentally and physically because I knew it from the beginning that you would never look at me as lover, but as a best friend, and that devastated me. I was happy though I already meant that much to you, and that’s why I never admitted my feelings : I was scared of loosing you so I satisfied myself with what I had, even though it meant for me to live in chaos. I choose to suffer in silence, because your happiness was way more important than mine. Perhaps that’s why sometimes I was a little bit edgy when we talked, but trust me it was out of my hands. I’m sorry if I ever said I hated you : it was just a way to hide how much I loved you, and how tortured I was. And, last January, after 5 years of agony, I was finally ready to let you go.
It was the hardest choice I ever had to make, not because I didn’t want to, but because letting you go also meant I was ending a chapter of my life that I hadn’t finished writing yet, but I knew I had to finish it, because if not it would keep on writing eternally. So, for my own good, I had to move on, just like you did, 5 years before, when you let me say those crucial words I wished, over and over, that I hadn’t said, the words you didn’t have the courage to say, the words telling me you wanted to break up with me.
Somethings remain unanswered forever, and I stopped asking myself where did I go wrong, and why didn’t I try to save our love. It was meant to be this way, and I couldn’t to anything to avoid it. I accepted the fact that it was inevitable and out of my hands. Over the seven seas, out of all sceneries, you were my favourite work of art, and I had let you slip of my hands, because you deserve to be free. I could not move on earlier unless I had found myself, and I had finally did.
Happiness and sadness are temporary, but heart breaks leave a mark on us until our death. Unintentionally all of this love and all of this hate made me nothing but stronger and I am eternally grateful to you for that. There’s no one I’d rather think of when I think about my first love. No one I’d rather think of, when I think of my summer nights.
As long as you’re breathing, as long as the oceans hit shores, you’ll stay in my heart eternally. Not as a lover, but as a special friend. Someone I’ll never forget even when I’m old and grey, because I cannot neglect the fact you made me rise higher by making me stronger and made me realise that not everything last forever, however we shall be look at the bright side of everything.
That’s why I forgive you for every sadness you caused me, for every tear that fell off my eyes, because I do realise your existence is a true blessing for me.
I’d like to thank you, thank you for everything you’ve done for me, good or bad. I could not imagine anything turning out in any other way, and I could not imagine anyone but you by my side.
I know I never told you this, and maybe I should’ve. In fact, sometimes I do wish I had because maybe if I had told you every single thing you made me feel, things would’ve turned out much different, and maybe, just maybe, we would’ve still been together right now.
Yet I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though the reason shall forever remain unknown to us, I believe it’s for the best. I am truly happy that we managed our way through a lot without loosing each other. You must know that our friendship is one of the most precious things I have, and I shall try to cherish it forever. I’ll always be there whenever you need me, even if it’s 3am, even if an ocean lies between us, and you just need to talk : I’ll pick up the phone and listen to your stories.
I wish all of your dreams would come to true, but most importantly, I wish you find the love of your life and that you never let her go. You deserve every joyful moment life could offer, and every beautiful thing there is on earth.
I hope that even if one day we stop talking because calamities drove us apart, even if I ever become nothing but a stranger to you, that someday I cross your mind, and that you smile while thinking about me. And if you ever get a baby girl who’s passionate about arts, please do encourage her, just the way you encouraged me to do my first solo.
Yours truly.