Winter cuddles us.

“Ah! The chill that this cruel breeze lets down my spine,

Oh! How much I dislike it, but still I admire it,

I let it go through me, I feel it.”

Laid back in the months of January, I and my son sat beside the warm flames of the fire lit in our grand drawing room. Christmas and New Year had just passed. We had smiled, throughout, especially on those two days, but we could never laugh. Maybe, that’s what our past wanted our present and future to be.

“I still remember him smiling,

I still remember his warmth,

I still remember his touch,

Was I so close to him, I doubt..?”

It had been three months, to the death of my husband Colonel Vikramm Das. I his now widow wife, Sona Das was left all alone to battle life, with my 2 year old son Mihir Das. Mihir still keeps on asking me, “Where’s dadda..?” I say, “In your heart.” He looks at me confused, but I know he’ll realize what I mean soon.

“Even when our angel is asleep,

I feel he’s awake,

I feel he’s asking me about you,

I feel scared.”

My life isn’t a bad one. I smile. I’m okay. But I can’t just forget the past. The night passed somehow. I battled with the moon and cried to know which star Vikramm was. My eyes broke open, as soon as the first ray of the son hit, maybe cause I couldn’t sleep properly, again. I got up and moved down to the store. Today was Vikramm’s birthday. I knew this would make me cry. I didn’t want Mihir to know, anything. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I opened the lock of the store room. I spoke, a little loud, so that Mihir could hear me, “Mihir, mamma is in the store. I’m cleaning it. See you in an hour baby!”

“The darkness of the store called me,

The fear of life, was over me,

I walked in, boldly,

I reached the corner, finally. “

This corner was mine. I could howl out all my sorrow and grief of losing him here. I felt I was resting my back on something. I turned around to find something like a wooden box. I opened it. There were letters in there. I opened them. My heart was elated and felt painful at the same time. I was hurt yet smiling. It was his poetry, for me.

“I knew my princess would come here,

I knew she would like to feel alone,

You will always remain, the same – I knew,

So as always, I’m here to accompany you.

I’m here to sit beside you and hug you,

You can cry – I allow you,

But only if you promise me,

To smile all thourgh.”

“My heart is with you,

My soul is with you,

So what if I’m not there to hug you,

My memories, this winter will cuddle you.”

“I was and will always belong to you,

You were my princess and will never outdo,

You will be mine, forever,

And I am yours, forever.”

“Find a napkin,

Wipe your face,

Our angel is awake,

Go and kiss his face,

I love you both, endlessly,

Not cause you are family,

But cause you both are a part of me.”

I got up, without another a thought. Wrapped up the letters under my shawl. Walked to the door and opened it, with a smile. I went up the stairs and yes, he was awake. I hugged him tight. He pleaded me to let him sleep. I kissed his forehead and let him know, “Dadda is fine, dear. He’s with us.”

Somewhere, I could here words saying,

“Alone you were never,

It was only the weather,

Xmas and New Year were colder,

Now it’s the final lap of winter,

Let yourself and your son be cuddled by winter.”