The rains drizzled down. He walked beside me. It didn't feel right. Somehow I felt uncomfortable. I had got so used to being without him. I had got so used to never listening to him. Even when he screamed, agitated, at the top of his voices sometimes. I knew he felt helpless. I knew I had done him wrong. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't say anything. He remained silent. The silence made it more awkward.
The silence stretched as if it won't end. Like the indefinite oceans. The raindrops kept its rhythm on. He came closer. Walking closer to me. His hands started touching mine. Slowly he took my hand in his. No! This was not right. I pulled my hands away. I felt violated. I did not belong to him. I belong to... well, used to belong to someone else.
I stopped walking and looked at him continue his walk. He had lost weight from the last time I had seen him. He even looked unkept and shaggy. He looked weak as if he had lost something. Something very dear to him.It took him a couple of steps to realize that I had stopped. He slowly turned. His lips narrowed in anger. Then he slowly breathed in and closed his eyes. When he opened them it was as if he had decided on his next course of action. He walked towards me.
" Come," he said patiently. I looked away, adamant. Suddenly, he grabbed my hand. My reflexes kicked in. I tried hard to pry my hands from his grip. He was a lot stronger than he looked. He pulled me closer and whispered hoarsely,"Look at me goddammit!" My eyes defied my commands and looked straight into his.
"You need to recognize the reality. I am all that you have, EVER!," he said.
My anger flared. How dare he?
"I have others," I whispered feebly looking down.
"Yeah," I heard him smirk. "I know," he sneered. He pulled at my hand. He almost dragged me with him. "Look. Maybe I should go back where I was. I shouldn't have called you. I understand this is not right." I could barely keep up with him as the rains had picked up. It was very difficult to walk. He didn't seem to be affected by it.
"Shut up," he said.
I knew where he was taking me. A place where people won't look at us disapprovingly. We were walking together, drenched in the rains. It did buy us a few stares. As we neared the destination his pace increased. He pulled me harder. I was almost running. The slippery grounds made it harder and harder. The rain poured down heavily. My eyes blurred. I slipped.
My forehead was bleeding. Blood oozed down my face and onto my shirt. His eyed widened in shock. He skidded down near me and pulled me into his arms. The rains seemed to pierce at my skin now. It was developing into a storm.
Guilt gnawed at him. It was apparent on his face. "I am sorry. Sorry. Sorry," he chanted.
I couldn't speak. It was a storm now. The water lashed onto us.
He helped me up. We walked on in silence. He kept a hand on me. In case I fell down again.
We got there. He opened the door and let me in. I pulled up a chair and sat down. My head hurt. The only source of light was the window. Opening them wide, he looked out. As the storm raged on the room got darker. I looked down.
"Why?" I heard him ask. I looked up to be met by his stern glance.
"What?"
"Why? Why did you push me out of your life??"
"He was more important," I murmured and looked away. I felt guilty.
"More important than me? More important than you yourself?" He grabbed the armrests of my chair and leaned over, trapping me.
"Sometimes," I retorted "love demands exactly tha..."
He banged his hands on the chair. I flinched.
"Don't you dare tell me what love demands," he shouted. "Because love," he whispered and came closer "doesn't demand." I cowered under his gaze.
"Don't trap me with your words," I said.
"You feel trapped because you know its true." He started walking away.
"I loved him. He wanted me that way. I had to be what he wanted," I retorted.
"Oh. Yes. Yes, you loved him. I know that." He grinned. "I know that you loved him. But whom did he love? You? Or some girl he had in his imagination? Some girl he wanted you to be? And what do you mean you had to be what he wanted? And what about what you wanted? If he loved you, he would have accepted you the way you are!"
His words hurt me. I kept quiet. I didn't want to fuel his anger.
"Please don't lose yourself like this. He is not worth all this that you are doing to your mind and body." His words burned with emotions. Emotions that I knew would always stay deep inside him. The emotion he would never tell anyone about.
I knew he was right. I should have stopped this a long time ago. This was what had made me call him in the first place. But somehow, him telling me this on my face hurt my ego.
I tried to push this thought out of my mind. I didn't want him to tell me what I should do.
"I am going," I said. He didn't even give an indication that he had heard me. I walked towards the door.
"Bye," I said and pulled at the door. It was locked.
"You are not going anywhere until we are done with this discussion," he said and turned towards the window. I could hear his anger in his voice.
"Give me the keys." I walked towards him and started checking his pockets.
He gripped my hands. "We have a discussion to complete!"
"I want the keys. GIVE ME THE FUCKING KEYS!" I pulled my hands from his grip. Nothing. Had he got stronger from the last time he had gripped my hands? This was not possible.
I started pushing him away. I tried to fight him off.
"You. Are. Not. Going. Anywhere," he said.
"I wanna go," I said.
"We are not done discussing thi..."
"I wanna go," I screamed and pushed him hard.
He left my hands and slapped me straight across my face. I fell down. My lips bled.
He bent over me. My god! He was handsome. What was happening? He was beginning to look perfect! Our faces were just inches apart.
"You are ruining yourself! I can't bear to see this. I won't let this happen to you," he barked at me.
"I loved him. and I can't let this relationship go like this," I replied.
He grabbed my collar and pulled me closer. His face contorted with anger.
"What relationship??" he whispered. "You have no relationship to hold on to. May I remind you that this person you are talking about left you. He doesn't want you. And you are talking ethics? You are talking ethics about a relationship with a person who had none!" He started screaming now. "You lost everything. No. Not lost. He told you to let go of everything and you did. Willingly! You let go of me, your family, your friends, your career, your duties, your dignity, self-respect, everything! You always were and still are fighting alone for this relationship. So before you destroy yourself with this regret and self-loathing, I suggest you knock some sense into that mud ball that once qualified to be called a brain."
The storm hit harder. Thunder and lightning filled the grey skies. He let go of my collar and sat down on the chair and covered his face with his hands. I understood his exasperation. It was a personal concern for him too! I couldn't fight anymore. I knew I was wrong. I knew all that he said was true. I was giving myself one last chance to justify the past. But this was it I guess.
"I am sorry," I murmured.
"What!?" he looked up at me.
"I am sorry," I said.
He exhaled and continued looking at me. I looked back. Slowly, his face softened. He gazed at me fondly. With all the love he had showered me with a long time ago. The rain had slowly stopped by now. Little rays of sunlight made their way in through the window.
" Thank you for coming," I said.
"I had to. I was going crazy. You were ruining me too, you know." He rolled his eyes.
"I know," I said. "I know I pushed you away."
I opened my arms for him. He sat on the ground and hugged me.
"You are so mad. For a second there, I thought I had lost you," he said.
"I thought so too. I am sorry," I murmured and hugged him tightly.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I said.
"Well, I am you" he laughed and looked down at me. He still had his arms around me.
"I know," I said and pulled him to me. "Just don't leave me. EVER."
"How can I leave you?" he laughed more.
"I know, I am you."
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*Just FYI. The guy here is her conscience. It's not an actual person. It's when you have ignored your senses of right and wrong for too long and its weak. It takes a lot of fight to make it stronger. In the beginning of the story he is weak but gets stronger by the end. That is she's putting up a fight with herself to strengthen her conscience*