You are not what you feel

In the last nine months, I have completely broken down thrice. Like, proper sobbing, you know, with the wetness and the self hatred, the whole package really. Nothing serious, just that living alone turned out to be tougher than I expected it to be and well, there's the overthinking.

But these moments didn't last long because every time I broke down, I called up my mom after a few hours and I immediately felt better.

A few weeks ago I saw a young man's video that he live streamed, right before he jumped off the 19th floor of the hotel he had checked into. Investigations revealed he was suffering from depression. That video will probably haunt me for a long time to come and I can not help but wish, in vain, that he had someone to talk to or that he had gotten help.

Some comments on the video, according to a news outlet, basically said that young man deserved his fate because he was a 'coward'.

If being brave was a remedy to depression, this world would have been a much happier place.

Most of us don't even have the slightest idea of what it is like to walk down a road and resist the urge to lunge towards the pair of headlights speeding in your direction. An act which, in that moment, seems like the only logical way to have a moments relief from all the screaming inside.

Suicide isn't an act of cowardice, it's an act of giving up every ounce of hope from your soul.

For those who are going through depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, know this; You can get through this. It might seem like there's no way out, like the suffering is going to last an eternity but know that you can still get through this. This illness, is not your fault. Just like how it wasn't your fault when you were down with jaundice or typhoid. And just like how you got help from your loved ones and doctors, you need to get help now too. Because it's not your fault and because you don't deserve to go through this.

Of course, opening up to people and reaching out for help is not easy. Do not think, even for a second, that I am underestimating your suffering. I have seen what depression does to people. I have seen it bring some of the strongest people I know, down to their knees. But I have also seen them rise back up. Just like you will too.

Because you are strong. You might not know it or you might not feel like it but it doesn't negate the fact that you are strong. How, you ask? Well, remember that time when you couldn't stop crying while you held the back of your head, trying in vain, to stop the pain? Or that other time when you felt like the whole world was against you and the ground underneath your feet felt like it would give away any second? Remember that time when you clutched your chest, unable to breath, thinking to yourselves that you couldn't hold on anymore?

Well, you did. You held on. You pulled through. And here you are. You think that the fact that you can't bear the suffering makes you weak but the fact that you pulled through every time it pulled you down, makes you strong. And that's what you are, you are strong. Stronger than any of us ever will be. And you will get through this.

But you don't have to go through this alone. You don't deserve to go through this dreadful illness alone. Talk to your loved ones, talk to me if you are comfortable with it and most important of all, get help from a medical professional. Because it's an illness. It does not define who you are. You are much more than this morbid disease, you are beautiful, you are wise and you are strong. And most importantly, you are loved.

And people like me and the ones who love you will always be there by your side. Because we admire you, we adore you and we love you. Because we believe in your strength. And most importantly, because we truly believe that you do not deserve to go through this.

You are not alone. You are loved. Please know this. Even if you think no one really cares about you, please know that I do. I truly do.

And once you start getting help, things will start getting better. And one day, and I promise you this, one day you'll wake up and the pain won't be the first thing on your mind anymore. The voices and the noises that used to echo off the insides of your head will be nothing but a distant hum. One day, you'll be able to see things clearly again. And one day, you'll be able to smile again. Because you to deserve to smile. You deserve to be happy. That day might not be tomorrow, I agree, but it's there. You just need to hold on.

And whenever you feel like you can't hold on anymore, reach out to your loved ones. Reach out to me. I am not a professional but I'll always be there if you need someone to talk to (email: saicharanb93@gmail.com). And do not treat this as a part of your identity but treat it as what it is, a medical illness that can be treated.

Even if you are someone who's not suffering from a mental illness, know that mental illness is not a joke. Read up, talk to people, start a conversation. Never dismiss it as 'maybe they're just having a bad day'. Educate yourselves and educate others. Be considerate, be open and most importantly, be there.