You can Turn Off the Lights

Since I was a kid, I always leave a single bulb light open in my room before I go to sleep. It makes me feel safe because every night, I was afraid that I might get lost in my own nightmare. And I always hope that the light—which I also consider as God, who is my savior—will guide me through my nightmare.

All of us has fears and it could have a different impact depending on the person. You could be afraid of dogs but some people consider dogs as their family. You can be afraid to make commitments in your life and some take risks and live their lives to the fullest.

It's normal to be afraid. Everyone is always afraid of something. Even the bravest soul will be afraid when death knocks on its door.

You don't have to be ashamed of your fears. You don't have to hide it.

Fear will always cling to you like a leech and if you try to remove it by overcoming it, you will undergo through many trials that can cause you pain and even scars that will never go away.

There are people who always say that we have to embrace our fears to become stronger but it's not easy to accept what terrifies you the most. Even Belle took her time to accept the beast and love him for who he was. Although it might take a long time, eventually we will be able to overcome it. You just have to believe that you will. There's no greater strength than the heart of a believer.

And if there's one thing to remember about fear, it's that you can't control it. You can't control everything that happens to you. You can't control the people to let them do what you wanted them to do. It's the same with your fear, you can't control when it's going to mess up your head. And when it does, it kills everything inside you slowly like a caterpillar blossoming into a butterfly.

But the only difference is the butterfly can be deadly. Especially to those who suffer mental illness. Their emotional sensors will be enhanced a hundred times more than normal. Sometimes it even takes up human form, talking down on your confidence, destroying what little love you have for yourself and you can't even control it because it's what scares you the most.

Even, I, myself have my own fears and one of them is to be trapped in the darkness with no one but my demons beside me, tormenting me slowly to death. My fear of darkness is so great that I can't even sleep if the room I'm sleeping in is in a complete blackout. And so I keep one light open every night.

But lately, even if there's light in my room, I still feel trapped, suffocating in the darkness once again and there's no one I can lean on. No one I can talk to. No one who can save me. No one. Not even the light in my room.

Yes, I have a lot of friends, but seeing how my problems affect them deeply saddens me. And I couldn't bear to look in their eyes hurt because of me. They already have their own problems so why would I add to their misery? And so, I tend to keep all of this to myself.

You must be asking where my family is, sadly, I don't even know myself. Yes, they're here but it feels like they're not. And seeing how they handled my brother's situation made it even worse. They don't know what it feels like to be trapped in your own head, to become enemies with someone who knows you so much than yourself. Instead of being understanding, they burst their anger and disappointment at the person who's on the edge of a cliff.

My brother got into that situation twice and their reactions are still the same, if not, then worse.

The same as me, my brother is also alone and even if I want to help him, I can't. How can I save somebody when I can't even fix myself.

I've been here in the darkness, all alone for almost six years. There are times I could smile and there are times I wished I would die.

The reason I'm telling you this is that I want you to understand what fear does to a person and how it completely messes up a person's everyday life. I want you to be in their shoes before you react because you might make things a lot worse. The victims may also be at fault but that doesn't mean that you can pin all the blames to them. You need to be patient and understanding. You need to let them trust you. Remember they didn't want to be in that situation but they have no choice but to face it.

I've been here alone for almost six years and finally, I decided to turn off the lights in my room because on the darkest night of my life, while praying to God, he told me "I will guide you through the night, you can turn off the lights now."