You know what’s harder than feeling you are not existing?
Its when you, yourself felt that no one sees you. Its when you realized its too late. Its when you realized you can’t do anything about it, no more magic can fix it.
Its when you realized…when you start believing that’s its hopeless and its actually better to be invisible.
We all have our own set of anxieties. Our own set of darkness we never want to share to people around us..fearing that well, they’ll never understand. That they will, at the very least just judge so we smile, we pretend that everything is okay. We try to not walk towards their way in the hallways, try to create minimal noise. We do our best to act like, we aren’t there in the first place and quietly walk our way home alone, through the back doors where no one pass by.
It's a defense mechanism and we thought it’ll be better in the long run. It will, actually but we miscalculated it. We missed to consider the fact that “long run” can actually be very, very, very long. That before we arrive at that point, where we hope that everything had already unfold for the better, we are already exhausted. You are already drain… to the point that you question all you did in the past and regret every morning you woke up and did nothing because you were scared.
That I was scared, and foolish and stupid to think that hey, this too shall pass . That things will get better as every tick of the clock pass…that all of this will vanish and that all of this will disappear and I hope when that happens, I’ll still be here.
That’s the reason why I try and be good. The reason why I try and do my best, always, because they know my name and that’s all there is and if I messed up, they’ll associate that wrong move to the only thing they know about me. Sad, but human nature is disappointing at times, how we tend to judge by the stains in others clothes, or on how they walk.
Its scary to say the least, its even terrifying sometimes seeing most people around you going with their lives like nothing matter while here you are procrastinating, lost and hurting in the most simplest of things. Its confusing at some point when you ponder about how they do their stuff... like they are born to be themselves while here you are struggling to clean the mirror in front of you.
Our minds does so much and it's a fact that its one of the most powerful system in our body and now, I realized how dangerous it can be when it starts dictating thoughts, when it starts to whisper anxiety in our ears, and fear that can devour us any minute in the middle of the night, when no one is awake but one lone soul…lost, trying to be found.
...and that you should know.