It bothers me a little that I have moved from reading books which had punchlines of 'okay? okay.' to reading articles which say that the person didn't say okay.
A friend, few days back, asked me what had happened to this world- because people were suddenly coming out and stating that they have been sexually harassed and she asked me why it had taken them so long. It appalled me that in the 21st century we, the people who call ourselves as an advanced race of species, do not understand what the word 'no' means. Why develop language when you cannot understand the basics?
Sexual abuse is an unfortunate incident that occurs in more shades than the rainbow could make. There are different definitions for it and different justifications. Here is one of the simplest that I could find on the Internet that could help you understand what it exactly means, well one side of it.
Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is usually undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another. When force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault.
This is a very spontaneous write-up. This is one where I haven't asked for stories and I haven't talked to people apart from one. I was studying economics when I looked up from my phone to take a break and read a post which talked about how hypocritical women were to say 'me too' and still enjoy their freedom of going outside during late hours. It stated how people were coming out after all this time to say, 'me too'. and it concerned them about the 'time' that had been taken to say these words, which invariably pointed to the question that maybe it was fake. The people, I believe, do not have so much problem from the fact that the event happened but from the idea that people never spoke about it before.
A friend recently, confronted her friend about events that took place between them. The story goes something like this- the guy, her friend, began kissing her when she was sleeping, and half intoxicated. Her fault at the time was that even though she realized what he was doing she did not stop but instead responded however after a while, stopped and said no. I am not picking any side here. But even after she said no she felt him taking her hand and we all know what usually happens next. This is where this gets a little messy. When she asked him about what had exactly happened he told her to forget it, in a rather upset manner.
It hurts the most I guess when it is someone so close to home who does that. When the person who tells you that you are so very important to them turn out to be the one to go ahead and hurt you and leave a scar in a way you can't even imagine. You are taken aback by the fact that the one person who you were naked to about your feelings is also the one who wishes to see you naked.
Nothing is wrong, if it is consented to. But the minute that one person says no, it all needs to stop. It took my friend a whole month to even accept the fact that this had happened to her. It took her all this time to realize that sometimes people are not who we want them to be and that when they are wrong there really is nothing left to defend them with. She called out her friend, not in a major way but in a way where she confronted him and told him that what he had done was wrong. And I applaud my friend for it.
The idea that someone has touched you in ways that could make you throw up is the worst thing ever. I think we have for years together tried to ignore and act like these events do not affect us or that it is just something that we should learn to live with, but I don't think we can do it any longer.
It really bothers me to think that in this world there were so many of us that have been through so much pain and suffering and yet have managed to put a smile on our face sooner or later. It also bothers me how we really don’t know who we stand with or who we are friends with and as much as I proud of the women who have decided to speak up it scares me that we may heading to a world where trust and consent may be words long lost forgotten.
I am a budding feminist and I believe that somewhere we are losing focus on why we started this movement. I believe that we are losing focus on what we wish to attain in this world. Men all around the world are being called out but some part of my heart refuses to accept the fact that we (the humankind) is really that bad. People may say that this is denial and I am not trying to power down anyone's accusations, but we need to remember that there still exist men out in this world who care and the ones who are genuinely ready to speak up for their friends who are in distress. It is important for us to be thankful that there are people who have not had to go through this and that there still exists some aspects of humanity in this world.
I have been a victim of sexual harassment as well. And so, I know when I say this that it kills you from the inside when you think about them or when you see someone look at you, you are reminded of the way someone else had stripped you with their eyes. I know that it hurts sometimes physically to just think about the way they touched you, no matter how long ago it had been. I know that you spend all your energy trying to forget them and the way they made you feel but sometimes you can’t help and be consumed in that. I know that it is not the easiest battle that has to be fought and that their apologies should make you feel better, but they just don’t.
I know that this is not easy, I know that it the most difficult thing to look at yourself in the mirror sometimes and not feel the hands of that person on you. I know that you aren't convinced that it happened to you, I know that you truly believe that there must be a better way out of this, but you are lost. And I am so sorry that you must go through this, and I am so sorry that people around you doubt you but remember that this was not your fault so don’t even try to guilt yourself because of this. I need you to know that when people ask you ‘are you sure that you didn't say yes' you feel like really hitting them because they just don’t get it, but you must keep your calm.
Take your time, take as long as you want because when you speak up remember that there are people waiting to hear you. This is your battle that must be fought and remember that no one can take this from you. I know that those people made you feel small and powerless but this time my friend, you are the one with the power, you are the one who can bring them down and make them feel the agony that you felt and at that time, maybe you will feel just a little better.
I know that this a really trying time for us, but I believe that we are meant to rise from the ashes. So in case you remember something that has happened or you have been holding that incident inside of you for so really long, grab an adult, a mother, a father or your sibling, your friend or even your favorite pet animal because once you say it out loud, it gives you just a bit more strength and makes you just a bit more free and fearless.
And who knows when you raise your voice maybe you'll help someone raise theirs too.
A lot more power to you.
In case you wish to talk to anyone, please feel free to message me. I would try to help you out in whatever capacity.