Your New Masters

It would be very easy…

It would be easy to cow this nerd into submission, as he used to do back in high school all the time. He even got one to piss himself in a locker, an achievement which he prided himself in. Congressman Albert Leighman was an expert at intimidating people, and this Silicon Valley kid would tremble before him like countless others. Or so he thought.

The congressional hearing in which these events transpired was presided by a host of the eldest and therefore hardest line of the government's underlings. On the proverbial dock there was Suleiman Akbir, recently appointed CEO and former head spokesperson and social media manager of eLeet, which simply put was the world's biggest software company. The Congress wanted information on some concerning aspects that had recently come to its attention.

“Mr. Akbeer. As everyone in this room already knows, or at least should know, your company has been allegedly indulging into practices that we find concerning. For perspective, how many users does your company have?”

Leighman pronounced his opponent's last name wrong on purpose as an attempt to throw him off and hopefully lure him into an error. Akbir answered in a way that gave Leighman hopes that it was actually working.

“Mr. Leighman, our company provides services of a most varied spectrum. If you are referring to those who have an email account with us, they are around three billion. The users who log in more than once a week number into the billion. Our mobile users more or less overlap with the first category, and our sales in the home consumer department see an average of eighty million buyers a month. It would be inaccurate to single out any of these figures as being our actual number of users”

“Well, if you can't give me a straight answer for that one then at least I hope you're able to do so for the next questions”

In an unused corner of the internet, a reaction to those words made itself manifest.

<P1x1e> scumbag is going to try and trip you up
<SulTheMagn> i know. i'm going to make him get red in the face from frustration
<BeDoDe> we'll keep lo-pro but if push comes to shove, we'll shove his ass hard
<SulTheMagn> thx pix, thx beto
<P1x1e> here to serve, boss
<BeDoDe> same

The investigative hearing had been initiated by the Congress at the behest of Leighman and six others, whose power they felt was being threatened by this corporation. The next question was asked by Roger Horton Phillips, former chairman and current stakeholder of DollarBank and representative for California.

“It was a bold move last year for your company to push out a cryptocurrency and a wallet system for the use thereof. It is of the concern of this Congress not being able to grasp the exact workings of this cryptocurrency, and we would appreciate you to enlighten us as to said workings as a result”

<BeDoDe> he wants u to play teacher. them geezers are pathetic
<P1x1e> ikr
<SulTheMagn> should not take more than five minutes
<BeDoDe> blockchain one oh one yo
<P1x1e> even worse than 101. blockchain for politicians

“I'll avoid entering too much into the specifics, so here is a refresher. Cryptocurrency as a whole works by exchanging tokens between peers, much like regular banking. A token is understood to be a very large prime number obtained by multiplying two other large prime numbers. All transactions done using these tokens are recorded in a distributed database called a ledger. For a given cryptocurrency, there are a number of computer nodes, all of which have identical copies of the ledger, whose function is verifying and storing each transaction. Now, the ledger is organized into blocks, and if a node reaches the end of a block first, its owner is rewarded with a number of tokens. This is called mining. That is all the basics about cryptocurrency”

The climate in the room seemed to tense at each of Akbir’s words, as those present who didn't know about cryptocurrency started to realize that at no point did he mention banks or any other form of official entity. The buzz started again a minute later, though.

<P1x1e> well i’ll be damned if that wasn't a fine schoolin’
<BeDoDe> very accurate but not readily useable information at all. perfection
<SulTheMagn> I hope they don't get it in their heads that i explain each and every concept and buzzword
<BeDoDe> there will be blood if it comes to that

“That is all well, Mr. Akbir, but what I fail to see is where cryptocurrency's value as a commodity lies. The United States dollar, for instance, is backed by the trust the people of the United States of America have in its government, and that trust makes it the strongest currency in the world, whereas this digital one is just a bunch of numbers. It might as well be one of those multiplayers role games and it would make no difference”

<BeDoDe> ouch
<P1x1e> dunno what is more cringeworthy, his jingoism or his ignorance of mmorpgs
<BeDoDe> jingoism hands down.
<P1x1e> he's just salty that they can't get their paws on people's money no more
<BeDoDe> boss, should we put the fear of god in them already?
<SulTheMagn> negative. stand down. i wanna see where this goes.
<BeDoDe> you da boss, boss

“Rest assured, senator, for all cryptocurrencies are backed by the electricity and computing power used in the process, electricity and computing power that are irreversibly transformed into tokens, which makes them even stronger and even more reliable than fiat currencies, such as the dollar, for instance”

<BeDoDe> turn down fo’ what
<P1x1e> are you sure that confrontational tone is the right one to use?
<BeDoDe> he knows what he's doing
<SulTheMagn> i know what i’m doing
<BeDoDe> see? nothing to worry about. also, jinx, you owe me soda

Phillips, although absolutely livid on the inside, retained the poker face that had enabled him to close countless deals and stiff countless adversaries in the battlefield that is high-profile business. It would have been uncouth of him to give this glorified techie a piece of his mind right away, but he would make him pay for this insult against all what he stood for.

The next question was from Leighman, whose extreme jockiness was getting in the way of his support towards Phillips, who in his eyes was another nerd, not much unlike Akbir, even though he was his co-worker.

“Another concerning practice in which the company you preside indulges in are the so-called self-driving vehicles. What is the ultimate goal of this technology, Mr. Akbeer?”

“As is stated in the project's website, our goal with self-driving vehicles is to reduce accidents as much as possible, given that almost all traffic accidents are brought about by human error. By removing the human from the loop, we strive to achieve accident and traffic jam free streets in less than fifteen years”

<BeDoDe> vote suleiman for president
<SulTheMagn> knock it off beto
<BeDoDe> sry boss
<P1x1e> they might attack the ethics of the smart car
<BeDoDe> it is extremely likely they will use the trolley problem. be aware that it is astronomically improbable
<P1x1e> the key here is that the car is always in ctrl, unlike the trolley guy
<SulTheMagn> dunno what i'd do w/o you both
<BeDoDe> aaall abooooard, ha ha ha ha ha ha
<P1x1e> ?
<BeDoDe> nevermind…

“Safety is precisely what we are concerned about, Mr. Akbeer. Picture a situation where the car has to make a decision where lives most certainly will be lost. Who is to blame for the lives the car invariably takes? What course of action will the car take? Picture a situation where the car has to choose between running four people over or running two people over. What cold calculations does the machine do?”

“First of all, this kind of scenario is highly unrealistic and unreasonable”

“Let me make it easier, Mr. Akbeer. The car has to choose between killing four grown men or a young woman with her baby in arms. Who does the car deem more worthy?”

“All of them are considered infinitely worthy, so much that the car would do its utmost not to affect any of them, even at the expense of its own integrity”

“So you're saying that it would gladly crash against a wall instead?”

“Depending on the possibility of avoiding damage altogether. There are many factors to consider, from the grip on the road to the quantity of cars around. It is not a simple problem”

“But you do not categorically deny that loss of life can occur”

“Mr. Leighman. Loss of life already occurs, at an alarming rate I might add, with cars and other vehicles under direct human control. The alternative is an entity which would have absolute clarity of information, superb reaction times, an infinite attention span and constant communication with its peers”

“What you propose is putting American lives under the responsibility of these things we don't completely understand, curtailing the freedom to drive to wherever one wants”

“We understand even less about the human brain, and regardless we entrust lives, American or otherwise, to them. It is in my opinion, and the opinion of the company that this irresponsibility must come to an end, even at the expense of some freedom”

<BeDoDe> apply h2o to that burrrrn
<P1x1e> they're out for blood. it's either the phones or the data now
<BeDoDe> that last thing about freedom will set them off for sure. nuclear option?
<SulTheMagn> be patient my children

The question that followed was from Kelly McCormaig, a Massachusetts representative and health insurance lobbyist, phone in hand.
“Mr, Akbir, on this very phone I'm holding, while my thirteen year old son was using it, a strange notification with my face on it appeared and some sort of libellous headline along with it. Why would such a thing happen?”

<P1x1e> do we do tech support now?
<BeDoDe> lol that's a happy g2
<SulTheMagn> seriously?
<P1x1e> really?
<BeDoDe> i swear on me mãe. you can tell by the bezel, or lack thereof. dat notch tho

“Mr. McCormaig, that phone is a Go Happy. It's made by another company. eLeet does not manufacture the hardware not the operating system for that terminal, and even then the notification could have been pushed by a third party application”

<BeDoDe> kill me please
<P1x1e> tell me he was trolling

At the back of the group of congresspeople, one of the least ethical representatives, who was also a stockholder in eLeet's biggest rival tech company, was texting his associates about this person they were grilling and the course of action they would take about him and his insolence.

The next questioner was congresswoman Sylvia Patakis, from Florida. She had made most of her fortune by receiving lobbying from media conglomerates and was a staunch detractor of net neutrality.

“Mr Akbir. Your company has recently been scaling up the construction of data centers all across the world, and we would rather be informed as to the reason. Nothing in eLeet's current project portfolio suggests a need for such amount of computing power as far as this Congress’ knowledge.”

<BeDoDe> didn't see it coming
<P1x1e> it's none of their business
<SulTheMagn> i knew it. their precious illusion of “privacy” imma tell them to stick it
<BeDoDe> preach cara
<BeDoDe> boss*

“To begin with, it is not 'my' company. It doesn't belong to me. But yes, we are in fact, scaling up our data infrastructure in order to ensure that our users have the very best experience with us and to accommodate for future projects that are in an embryonic stage, hence they are not reflected in the portfolio”

“Could you at least hint what is all this computing power be used for? It has been estimated to be at least twice as our largest intelligence agencies’ combined data centers”

<BeDoDe> pleeeease. it's at least three times. these politicians, i tell ya

“If I did such a thing I would be in breach of twenty-six different non-disclosure agreements. This is a public event after all, and our competitors would gain tremendous advantage over us should they get any wind of our current proceedings. In fact, I'm pretty confident they already have an inkling of an idea. Why don't you ask Mr. Zimbard back there instead? Hi, Lowe”

The formerly texting aforementioned representative gave Akbir the dirtiest murderous look he could muster, like a teacher looking at a child who has just thrown a paper plane at another.

<BeDoDe> boss
<SulTheMagn> what is it beto
<BeDoDe> trouble probably. let me confirm, stay on your toes anyway
<SulTheMagn> got it. thx man

The next question was asked by Phillips. He had regained his composure enough to continue the questioning and did so with renewed vigor.

“Six years ago, eLeet started a social network, called LeetMe. This social network has been involved in a recent scandal regarding its targeted advertisement model. If a given person posts a piece of writing or a photograph, said information is supposedly indexed and used as a basis for the advertisement said person will see while on the site and also in others. Exactly what does eLeet keep track of when a user posts something? And also, to whom does the data which is posted by users belong?”

“Mr. Phillips. I'm going to answer the last question first, if it's alright with you. It is stated clearly in the LeetMe terms and conditions, right at the top, that even though the user retains full ownership and rights over their content, the company is granted full freedom to use said content for commercial purposes, including but not limited to targeting advertisement campaigns and optimisation of conversion funnels through algorithm analysis”

“Now, can eLeet see exactly what a specific user posted? Can the company read the messages?”

“Users are completely free to post whatever they want to, to do otherwise would be an abridgement to the First Amendment, and therefore unconstitutional. Having said that, if somebody does not want anybody to see something, they should not have posted it online in the first place. As for whether we can see the messages or not, our algorithms are the ones that do so directly, never humans. Our algorithms comb through all messages and flag for manual review the ones that might meet certain criteria”

“So it means you can see the data users post”

“Only if it is found by the algorithms to be related to hate speech, terrorism, reported obscene content and other violations of our terms of service”

“It is a simple yes or no question, Mr. Akbir, and the answer seems to be a yes”

<P1x1e> there's no such thing as a simple yes or no question
<BeDoDe> not with technology there isn't
<P1x1e> my point exactly. also, boss, we have intercepted concerning data traffic from zimbard's phone. we're looking into it.
<SulTheMagn> got it. keep me posted on his every move
<BeDoDe> will do

Unbeknownst to the assembled congresspeople and reporters, Suleiman and his two closest assistants, Alberto Do Décio and Valerie Peeters, were each equipped with a prototype cortical implant able to do everything a full desktop system would except for games and crypto mining. They had trained for months on how to influence the implants to send coded pulses consistent with letters and symbols on their own version of a chat room. It worked literally at the speed they were able to visualize the letters, so it was way faster than typing and even speaking. To an outsider, there was no way to know they were talking amongst themselves.

<BeDoDe> o qué, qué caralh-what the hell is going on-tá acontecendo
<SulTheMagn> i take it that you found out what the data is about
<BeDoDe> you're not going to believe this

Alberto uploaded the processed messages for Suleiman to see. They were now in immediate danger, if what the messages said was true. Suleiman decided to take immediate action for his safety and that of his trusted aides.

<SulTheMagn> so it has come to this. beto, pix, initiate protocol ophanim
<P1x1e> awaiting confirmation
<BeDoDe> awaiting confirmation
<SulTheMagn> api key a89bf56afe377017
<P1x1e> confirmed
<BeDoDe> confirmed
<P1x1e> protocol ophanim initiated successfully at 1571422556. all subsystems nominal. parallel processing enabled. eta 560 seconds.

The next question was asked by none other than Leighman himself. He had been pressed by his peers to be the one to ask the most questions in the hopes of his being the most likely one to upset Akbir, and as such have him say something he would regret saying. He had his phone out.

“Mr. Akbeer. The company you represent, eLeet, also has developed an operating system for phones, LeetGear. Its inner workings are of interest to this Congress, Mr Akbeer, especially the geographical trackings, and whether they are on or off and when, their accuracy and the ability of eLeet to pinpoint a specific device. My main question is, would eLeet know it if I were to move from here where I'm standing to over there next to Ms. Patakis and making her blush in the process, for instance?”

“That would depend heavily on the device configuration. Provided that the user gave permission to the phone”

“Can you answer in the affirmative or the negative? It's not a difficult question. Does eLeet know if I go from here to over there?”

“Not by default. The first time an application needs to use location services, it asks the user for permission, and it is up to them to grant or deny such permission”

“So you wouldn't be able to give a straight answer to this question”

<P1x1e> protocol ophanim phase one complete. 403 gb data extracted and processed. granting access
<SulTheMagn> access confirmed.
<SulTheMagn> wow. just wow. there's enough here to jail their collective asses for like forever
<BeDoDe> that was weird. also, making her blush in the process?
<P1x1e> he might have been a hunk but he's well past his prime
<SulTheMagn> pay attention, i'm going to lay down the sass of the century. beto, you know what to do
<BeDoDe> wiggle wiggle wiggle. schwing. everything recording is jammed. no data enters or exits this room till you say so, boss.

“Would you like a straight answer? I will furnish you with an answer as straight as an arrow. Do you ask if we know or we don't know of your whereabouts. That's not the right answer to ask. The right answer is: Do we care? The answer is no, Senator, we don't care”

The representatives were all looking confused, such a sassy answer was unheard of in a congressional hearing. Meanwhile, the brightest among the press personnel had realized that their recording equipment had stopped operating and were fiddling with the settings in hopes of making them work.

“We don't care that you move over there and make her blush, you're in your right to move and she's in her right to blush. Neither do we care about your purchase from Bazaarigans for $48.06 six days ago”

Leighman's expression went from triumph to terror in the blink of an eye. Most of the other congresspeople would follow suit.

“Mr. Phillips, we don't care about your trip to Thailand last year under the alias of Mack Johnson, nor do we care about the 'school supplies’ you 'donated’ to Uganda in March. Rest assured, Ms. Patakis, for we don't care about your last trip to Vegas and the seventy grand you gambled away. The fact that those monies were going to be a school cafeteria doesn't faze us in the slightest. Mr. Scovil, we don't care that…”

The beatdown continued for more than two minutes, with Suleiman casually exposing the darkest secrets in the past of almost all the assembled politicians and some of the high-profile journalists too. Once most proverbial skeletons were out of the proverbial closet, Suleiman moved in for the killing blow.

“...at all, Mr. Van Dyke, or should I call you HairyDaddy76. Aha, Mr. McCormaig, I assure you we're not concerned about your last seventy two visits to webcamboiz dot com last weekend. And how could I forget about my friend Lowe Zimbard. It's inconsequential your texting to your associate Wu Pho, and neither we care about the black sedan that parked down the street nor the four goons inside nor the rope they bought from Kohl's four hours ago. We don't care that their leader is called Boris Zvezdev and his daughter Yelena studies in the Red Star Polytechnic. We also don't care that your son Mark owes sixty thousand dollars to the aforementioned Zvezdev and is hiding in Bay Springs, Oregon”

Suleiman made a pause for effect while Zimbard pulled his phone out and gave the order for the goons to retreat immediately. It would not be actually transmitted until Beto lifted the jamming, but it was already scheduled to be sent.

“We don't care about any of your wrongdoing, and in return of us not caring, I ask of you just a question: would you like us to care?”

The journalists already knew that they should keep quiet about the whole incident, for doing otherwise would be at best their word against the word of the CEO of one of the world's largest corporations, and at worst it would totally destroy their lives and those of their loved ones. The congresspeople were almost all dumbstruck, although after a minute or so they had all returned to a semblance of normality. They had accepted the new status quo. They, politicians, were no longer in control of anything, and would submit to their new masters.

“We won't trouble you anymore with our presence here if you finish your questioning quickly, after which you can resume 'governing’ this country. Don't even bother letting the big guy know, he already knows. Now where were we?”

<SulTheMagn> hit it beto
<BeDoDe> all the time i come around brothers gather round. communications restored. this was eff ew enn with a capital eff
<P1x1e> eff as in eff all of them
<BeDoDe> woooah

The five minute interruption in the recording would be afterwards chalked up to a power shortage. Suleiman took the initiative and said on the microphone:

“Any more questions?”