LOUIE POV.
It’s been a hard couple of months. Everything is great with the band, the lads and everything but I haven’t found my peace of mind. People are starting to talk even more about Harry and I. Fans are catching up and now everything is just wrong. The other day we had the first talk with management about it.
It was a normal day. I woke up, checked my phone and there were a couple of texts from management, they were letting me know we had to talk and that the reunion was that afternoon. I wasn’t worried, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I went to the kitchen, and there he was. He knows I cant cook really so he was there, making our breakfast.
“Hey, babe. I’m making your favorite dish. How are you?” He came to me and kissed me near my lips. His green bright eyes made me feel the butterflies. He smiled. That smiled made me weak and he knew it a bit too well.
I cleaned my throat and tried to answer, “I’m great! Did you got that text from management?” He looked at me, worrying was already on those beautiful eyes. “Yeah… What do you think it’s about?” I knew what he meant. We talked a couple times about coming out. How our families would react, how it would affect our band and our entire lives. Just thinking about it, I got sick to my stomach.
“I don’t know. But it’ll be fine. Don’t worry ok?” He tried to smile back at me but it didn’t worked out too well so he changed subjects and asked me about what we were gonna do before that afternoon. I knew he worried about it even more than me. I knew he cared about what people thought about us, I knew he was scared. Sometimes when we laid together in bed, I would stare at him sleeping and wished he would just stay that way, so peaceful in my bed, next to me. I knew every day when he woke up, just like me, the first thought that came to him was us. We are living a lie. A lie that no one should live by.
The rest of the morning went by with the breakfast and watching a movie together in our bed. We kissed, my favorite place in the whole wide world was next to him. Together in our bed. Kissing and holding him in my arms. Sometimes I would wonder why this is so wrong for so many people, it was love at the end of the day.
It made me happy to know he felt the same way about me.
HARRY POV.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. We had an amazing morning, together in our flat. I love cooking for him, getting such admiration from him for such a stupid things like cooking makes my whole day better. We both got texts from management, letting us know about something they needed us to talk to us about. I gotta say I was scared. Him and I, we’ve been together for a while. We haven’t said anything to the public because I know I’m not ready and Lou isn’t either. But he’s everything to me.
That morning when I got that text I remember feeling sick to my stomach but still I wanted to be strong for him so I just played along. I kissed him, we cuddle. I felt like nothing was wrong in the entire world. And then around 12 o’clock I had a call from Liam.
He sounded a bit nervous. “Hey mate. We are coming for you in a couple of hours. Get ready ok?” I noticed the worrying on his voice. I glanced at Lou, I tried not to sound worried but I was... “Is everything ok?” I asked to Liam on the phone. I tried to look another way, just so Louis wouldn’t see my eyes and realize I was really, really nervous. “Yeah, man. Don’t worry about it. You know whatever happens we got your back.” I know Liam tried to be supportive, after all it hasn’t been easy for any of us but those words almost made me throw up for real. I hang up and knew it wasn’t gonna be good. Lou asked me what happened, I saw his hands starting to shake so I told him that Liam was a little cranky but that it was fine. I came to him, kissed him again and tried to make myself forget it was gonna be a hard day. For a second I wanted to be just him and I, together on our flat.
LOUIE POV.
The moment we got into our manager’s office, I felt the cold stares of all of them. Harry was walking right behind me and he sat next to me. He is always showing his affection. Even when some people find trouble with two guys loving each other.
Our manager started to talk.
“Boys, we got you here today because there is one thing we need to talk about. I want to apologize for making you all come when we really need to talk to two of you…” Liam looked at us, Zayn was trying to look ahead and not let us know how angry he really was and Niall, he just looked scared.
“Louie and Harry. This whole thing is really getting out of control. At first we all thought it was manageable but it’s not. You are idols of teenage girls. None of them will be ok with you dating openly. They already have put a name into it. “Larry”, it’s a thing in the fandom. We can’t let this go any further. I’m really sorry guys but we need you to think about your careers. When this boyband life is over you can do whatever you want. But now we need to take care of this.” At this point I was starting to get angry. I was scared to look at Harry and when I did I saw his eyes filled with tears. Shit, I hate to see him cry.
“What are you saying? If there are people out there who don’t want Harry and Louie for who they are then we don’t what them as fans” Liam said. He was really pissed off.
“Its not that simple, Liam and you know it.” Our manager sounded harsher than he probably intended. “We don’t what you to change who you are, we don’t want you to do anything else than control yourselves in interviews and in awards shows and when you go out.”
Harry looked down and whispered “We only love each other… what have we done wrong?” It broke my heart, all this time he has been so strong. I can see him trying to be strong for me and I wish for a second we would be allowed to be who we are without all this pressure.
“We have printed a list of things you cannot do when you are in the public. And there’s one more thing… Harry, we need to give you a different image. People are realizing about your… orientation, we don’t want that… And deep inside you don’t either so from now on we are gonna arrange some dates with some girls in the industry just so we can get the attention off your real relationships and focus it on something that helps us sell records. We all know that’s what we’re going after here.” Harry looked up to face the management team. He was filled with anger and sadness.. At this point I was already crying.
“You want me to be someone else for them? Do you want me to… Hurt the person I love for them?” he was mad. I took his hand. All the others were in shock.
“Harry, we need you to think about all your bandmates ok? We need you to think about your future. This will all be an act. Nothing more. Please take it that way.”
Deep inside, all of us knew he was telling the truth. It was an awful, hurtful, disgusting truth. We were a boyband. That’s how we started. We had fans all over the world who fantasize about us, who looked up to us and being gay was not good at all for the band. It wasn’t good for any of us.
After that, we all knew we had absolutely no option. Deep down, we all knew we liked the life we had. We knew we loved playing shows, singing and touring. We convinced ourselves that it wasn’t that bad. At the end of the day, we would come home to each other. We would tour together. We thought the worse part was over. Just a stupid piece of paper and some hurtful words. Little we know the worst part was far from over.
HARRY POV.
One of the hardest days of my life started that day when we got to the management office and they started to talk about all this things about my personal life with Louie. I have to say I didn’t listen too much when our manager started to talk about how it affected our band and the status we had. All this time I’ve been wondering what the hell did we do wrong? We aren’t bad people, we aren’t criminals. We just love each other. I just love watching him sleep and I love making love with him. I love it when he holds me tight and I feel like I’m gonna be safe for the rest of my life. I love dreaming about buying a house when we’re older and free to be whatever we are and just live with him, wake up with his body next to me every day. The only problem is that we aren’t a normal couple. We are two guys who are crazy about each other. I hate that thought but it haunts me every day.
The list our manager gave us went all the way from the most obvious to the most bizarre things. It included sitting next to each other, looking at each other, answering questions on a way that suggested we were in love, hiding our love bites… it was endless. The most shocking part was just assuming people looked so close to this kind of things but it was pretty obvious they did. They noticed us. The part in which he told me I had to go out with girls was the worst part. I hated crying in front of Louie, I knew it made him feel miserable but I couldn’t fight it. They were literally taking over my whole life. But then again, who doesn’t want the kind of fame we have? Who doesn’t love to play and perform for thousands of people every night? That night when we got home, we had such a hard night wondering how we were going to make it. I was out of my mind. I couldn’t believe it. Liam and all the lads they tried to help us but we knew we had no option. At the end of the day, they are the ones that help us get all the fame we get. It almost felt as if we signed our lives to this company.
As soon as we crossed the door, Louie started crying his eyes out. He went straight to his room and cried. I followed him. I hugged him so tight, as if nothing could ever separate us. He was talking, saying something I couldn’t understand. I told him many times that I loved him, that it was fine. When he calmed down he sat on our bed, he looked at me.
“I’m sorry I got you into all this shit. I swear I didn’t mean to” He said. I knew he would always blame himself for this. He thought he was the one who “seduced” me. Little he knows I loved him for the very first time I saw him.
“Don’t do that, Lou. This is not on you. This is us. This is our story, this is who we are. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are perfect to me, remember?” those were the first words I said to him on our first kiss.
“It’s just that I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see you hurting, I don’t wanna do this!” he said and then broke again in tears.
“Then let’s not, Louie! We got what we wanted. We got the dream. We are famous people. We had the chance to sing and to perform… It was never about the money but we got it, we could just quit! I’m sure there is a way out of the contract” I couldn’t believe what I was saying but I hated seeing the person I love being so down, so wounded, so hurt.
“Harry, we can’t quit now. What about the other guys? They are counting on us! We started this together. We shall stay together! Don’t even say that!” he was a little angry at me. I got it.
“Then we will make it through this” I begged and hold his face in my hands trying to shake off the tears from my little guy “I love you and you love me, Louie. Please remember that every single time something goes wrong in your life, in our lives. This is gonna be hard but we love each other. And we will do whatever we have to do to keep this relationship going, okay? Not going to give up on you, not in a million years. You hear me?” he was smiling now. Everything I needed. My little sunshine to smile for me.
“It is worth it, right? It’s not even that bad… I mean, you will go out with girls or whatever and then come back home and we will try to keep it cool at the public eye. Who the hell cares? We’ll still be together at the end of the day.” He was feeling better now and so was I.
That night we made some dinner, ate and we just cuddle each other to sleep. He was the love of my life, I knew it every time I slept with him, every time I kissed him… every time we made love. He was the one.
LOUIE POV.
Like I said, it is a hard time. Harry got questions that seemed to me arranged by management in every single interview and people started to look at him as a womanizer. It didn’t bother me at first but then it started to really get to me. After a while I started to get more and more uncomfortable in interviews. I would not be cheery all the time like I used to. I knew I was letting fans down, people who really thought I was some kind of superhero for them but I wasn’t ok. My life wasn’t ok. Harry and I started to get arguments, mostly because it was weird to have your boyfriend, like the person you want to marry to go out with other people… Looking back, I know he was hurting too but he was way better at hiding it than me and we both knew that.
One day, he was supposed to go out with a girl. We were watching TV together and all of the sudden his phone rang. It was management. We both knew what that meant. It was a Friday afternoon. Harry picked up trying not to look as nervous as he actually was. I didn’t hear a word they say, Harry changed his sunshine smile to a frown and “Ok” was all he said. Then he looked at me and said “They have arranged a date with Taylor tomorrow…” I knew what I had to do, I knew I had to smile and say it didn’t matter, I knew I was supposed to make a joke of it all, look like I wasn’t worried and just pretend. But this time I couldn’t.
“I don’t understand what kind of image they are trying to put on you. I mean, you already went out with other girls, everyone is talking about it… I don’t understand why they can back the fuck off” I protested.
“Whats your problem, Louie? You know the deal. They don’t want people to think that I’m anything but straight.” He tried to look calm.
“Yeah right so they are going to put you out with a million girls and see if that changes anything at all! It’s just dumb.” I was trying to keep it together but I failed “I want you to stay with me!” I said.
“And you think I don’t want that?” he said, trying to come close to me and hold me. “If it was up to me I would take you far away from everything and just be with you all day but we can’t change do that now, we already talked about it!”
He started to get emotional. I was up, looking out the window, trying to hold my tears back. Unable to answer the questions that have been in my mind for months and years now.
“Then let’s make it easier for both of us, shall we? Let’s just move out, be away from each other and pretend this never happened” as soon as I said I regret it. I loved him more than anything in this world but I couldn’t understand why we had to live this way.
Before he could say anything, my phone rang. I looked it up and it was Zayn. I knew I didn’t want to be a bitch to him so I tried to clear my throat and breathe, “Hey, whats up?” I said. Harry was staring at me, with his eyes full of tears. “Hey mate. We’re doing some interviews today. We’ll come to get you in a couple of hours. Is that ok?” that was odd… they always schedule our interviews with weeks in advance but I didn’t want to argue nor ask why. As soon as I hang up the phone I felt sick of having to live a life in which I had almost no control over anything. And that day in particular, I knew I would hate to answer questions about my life. The thought of questions about Harry’s love life and everything about it made me sick.
The room was silent for a couple of minutes, I didn’t want to break the silence. Harry spoke up.
“Is that what you want?” ignoring the whole phone conversation I just had. “You want me to move out?” he asked.
“I have absolutely no idea what I want, Harry. I just know that I love you and that this whole situation is breaking my heart. I’m miserable being here while you are somewhere playing to be someone you are not. I’m sick of it”. I said, in lower tone than I intended looking at the floor and trying not to look at him and get all the feelings that he got out of me.
He looked at me, silent. I could see him being disappointed of me. The anger, the hurt and everything in between just had the best of me.
“Fine…if you want me to move out, you just have to say so. I don’t wanna bother you. And if we’re not together then this whole dating shit is worthless. You’re right, Louie. If you don’t care…”
“Stop!” I begged him. I was crying a lot and now hearing him saying that broke my heart beyond measure. “Please stop. We have an interview in a couple of hours, Zayn just told me that. I really don’t want to keep fighting, I’m sick of fighting.” I knew I stepped a bit too far telling him to move out and all of that.
He didn’t answer me, he went to his room –which most of the time was our guest’s room since we sleep together- and shut the door.
I was left in the living room, feeling emptier than ever wishing I could escape this life.
Harry POV.
After this meeting about Larry and how Louis and me would have to do a million things to keep people from talking, everything changed. It was harder for both of us to even be normal around each other, to talk without fighting. And also, It was harder for all five of us. Liam, Zayn and Niall always tried to support us but there wasn’t much they could do. And Lou, my little one, my beloved… He was torn apart. I hated going out with girls I felt nothing for, I hated to kiss them, I hated the questions in interviews that seemed to be arranged by management, I hated how I would be on the news every day. It was awful and tense and just wrong.
Louie is a strong guy but this whole thing started to get to him. He’s such a great human being, he’s a sensitive guy and this was too much for him. Eventually, he exploded.
One day, we were watching TV. We had such an amazing day off and I just loved being with him, cuddle and kiss. It was the best time ever. Then my phone rang. It was management. They told me I had a date arranged with this girl from the music industry, Taylor. She was great and fun to be around and I hated to use her that way. At least we would both know what it was all about: publicity and hiding my true self. Anyway, as soon as they told me that I felt very weird for telling Louie. When I told him, he got mad. He had being pulling it off for so long that he couldn’t take it anymore. He started yelling and crying, trying to make me understand how hurt he was for all of this, how uncomfortable this was for him. It broke my heart but I felt like he wasn’t really getting it. It was tough for me too, sometimes it was like he thought the only one hurting was himself. I loved him but this whole selfish BS, I just couldn’t deal with it.
Plus, Zayn called him and told him we had an interview which was the most weird thing ever since we never have interview without management telling us and in weeks of advance but I was too mad, too hurt to talk about it.
He ended up saying he wanted me to move out, he wanted us to break up, he said it might be easier. And he was right, I knew it. It would be easier but that was not what I sign in for. We knew being gay, being a couple in a boyband wasn’t gonna be easy but we wanted it because we wanted each other, because we loved each other. I knew he said it for anger or whatever but it was so unfair and just hard to hear. After he said it I was so mad and so hurt that I wanted out. I said fine, after him telling me he had no idea what he wanted, I went to my room and stared the walls for a while. Feeling like my whole world was falling apart, I left him crying in the living room and heard him trying to get back the control of his emotions while I was feeling like dying. I wanted to hug him I wanted him to hug me back, I wanted to kiss him and I wanted him to kiss me back and promise me we would make it through. But nothing like that happened. I got ready for our interview, got into the car without even looking at him and tried to control myself.
LOUIE POV.
The interview was awful boring. The truth is I didn’t even listen to the questions. I tried answering once but the thought of Harry going out with this Taylor person and then coming back home to me was too much. My deepest fear was losing him to this girl. Plus, watching the news the other day and seeing him there, was horrible. I hated the thought but I didn’t want to share him. Not for a second. Harry during the interview would try to send me messages, trying to talk to me, trying to approach me. I didn’t care. I was hurt and angry so I didn’t care. All the boys realized I was down too. I admire them, by the way. I have no idea how they pull out for all the bullshit we always did. Our moods and how we didn’t put enough interest in the interviews or even the shows. But they always support us, even when they didn’t understand us or agree with us.
As soon as we got off the interview, I wanted to get home and sleep. I was sad, nothing made sense to me. In the car everyone was silent. They tried to laugh a little bit but I surely didn’t. When we got home Harry was distant, he didn’t talk to me and I didn’t try either. He took some pillows and sat on the couch and watched tv. I didn’t ask him if he was going to sleep with me, it was simply stupid. I shut the door of our room and starred the empty bed where we shared so many moments of happiness, of love and care. Now it was just me. It crossed my mind the thought that maybe it was gonna be like this for the rest of my life. I shook the thought off and tried to clear my mind. I threw myself on the bed and cried. At some point I could have sworn I heard Harry crying too.
Sometime around midnight I woke up. I heard the TV on the living room. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep again, I checked my phone. 2:30 am. I stood up and open the door with some hesitation on my mind. I saw the love of my life sleeping in the couch. His head was heading the TV and there was some food next to him. He looked so peaceful. I took some more blankets and put it on him carefully. I watched him sleeping. His curls in his face, his eyes closed, sleeping like a little angel. I had a flashback of all those times that after we made love he would sleep with me and I would just stay there, watching him sleeping and thanking whatever could hear me that he was there, with me in my life. I lean on him and softly kissed his lips. I was still mad, hurt and confused but sure as hell I was in love with him and didn’t want him to leave. A tear fell down my face and landed on his. “Shit” was my first thought. He opened his eyes, but he didn’t freak out. He knew I loved watching him sleeping.
“Hey, there…” he shook the tear off his cheek and then off my face. “Can’t sleep, love?” he tried to smile. This guy…
“The bed is too big for one, Harry”. I said, leaning on him a bit more. “Yeah, well the couch is too small for two. And it’s not too comfortable.” He said, trying to make a joke. When it failed the silence started to grow between us. Then he approached me, watching straight in my eyes making me feel nervous and weak. He kissed me with the same passion I felt a million times before but yet it felt new every single time. Our lips matched and our tongues played together. I held his face, feeling his soft face and his smile while we kissed.
“I want to go to our bed, Louie. Can we please do that? We can talk in the morning but right now I wanna cuddle and kiss you to sleep. Please”. He said, looking at my eyes and making me feel lucky and loved.
“Don’t ever ask me that again, Hazz. You don’t even have to ask.” We stood up, he hold my hand and I led him to our bed. When we were there, he approached me and kissed me again.
“I want you to be sure I love you more than anything in the world, Lou” he took my shirt off, softy touching my skin and making me shiver. He kissed my neck and took his shirt off. I didn’t say a word. I wanted to feel him close, I wanted to taste him, I wanted to find that passion we always shared. During the time we made love, I didn’t even think about this whole situation. That was how powerful our relationship was, our connection. For a second it was him and I. Perfectly together. When we finished, he hold me tight on our bed. I was beyond happy and so was him. We smiled at each other. I glanced a little bit of worrying in his beautiful eyes.
“Don’t worry, love. We will figure things out.” I said, touching his face with so much care. “I’m incredibly sorry for what I said. I don’t want you to leave, we are together in this. You are part of me, I love you and I don’t want you to leave…. I just…” he stopped me.
“I’m sorry too, Lou. I was wrong, I know anger got the best of you and it happens to me sometimes too. I’m sorry I don’t understand how you feel, I know this is tough but we have to pull this off. We have to be strong. This means the world to me, please know that” he was smiling this time and so was I. “I would never leave you. You would have to leave” he kind of laugh. I kind of laugh too. He was awkward sometimes. “I’m kidding. I love you. We will be fine. You are the love of my life. Don’t even worry, my love. And I won’t worry either. If you ever feel like screaming fuck off at everybody we can come home and make love and whatever but don’t let it eat you alive. I’m here for you, let’s trust each other.”
This guy was incredibly smart and caring. This guy, I loved him. I was assured we would always love each other. We kissed a little longer and watched the sunrise. Then I fell sleep for a while.
He woke me up with a gentle kiss on my forehead, the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes that morning was his sunshine smile with only his boxers on. He was so hot. “Hello, beautiful”. He put the breakfast on our bed and kissed me on the nose. “How did you sleep?” –he asked while he seated on bed. “Great. I just had the weirdest dream ever”-We both laughed. I loved this moments with him. The breakfast went on pretty well. He would make jokes to me and touch me in ways I couldn’t fully understand but loved anyway.
“What do you want to do today, Mr. Styles”-Harry asked with a weird and beautiful smile on his face.
“I don’t want to do anything, just be here with you. I’m kind of tired”.-I replied leaning on his chest.
We spend the whole day lying in bed. It came the time when we were lying there, playing with each other when he asked me about how I was feeling about this whole situation and about the fight we had the night before.
“I don’t know, Hazz. I know I don’t want you to go. That’s for sure. And I know it’s hard for both of us to get used to this situation right now but I know we can make it as long as we trust each other and stay strong. I know it’s unfair and I can see you thinking about it but it’s our lives now and there is nothing we can do about it.”
“I know, Louie. I hate to see you hurting for this too. I’m trying to do this and I need you to be my backbone and help me out. I want you. I know the whole sharing thing is weird but you’re not even sharing. I don’t love them and I love you. It’s like a job, we better see it that way.”
We stayed in bed the rest of the day forgetting about the whole world outside.
But then we had to wake up. It was about 8. Harry and I were still in bed having fun with each other. Harry cooked some food for us and we were playing FIFA. We turn our phones off for the most part of the day. Harry got up to see something in the kitchen. He picked up his phone. “FUUUCK!” –He yelled. I got up and went to check on him. He had his phone on his hands. “I totally forgot about my date with Taylor!” We spend the entire day so focus on each other that we forgot we were even part of this band called One Direction who happen to have a management team who are crazy for money and for fame and we turned off our phones. Shit. I checked my phone. I had three text messages from Zayn, asking me where the hell was I. Then I had TEN calls from Liam and also from Niall. Of course, management called me too. We were hysterically checking our phones when someone called the door. “Liam” I thought. He was the one who was always looking after us. We were only with our boxers on and I was such in shock for forgetting everything that day that I didn’t even bother to check who it was. I opened the door and almost died. It was Taylor, looking stunning with a red dress and red lipstick. I was too concerned looking at her outfit that she put on to go out with my man that I didn’t even say a word when Harry approached. She’s literally the chilliest girl ever. Which I hated because I hated her for no reason. “Hey Louie. Am I interrupting something?” she laughed and just came in. I have no idea how much time I spent there, just looking at her but when I turned around Harry was right behind me with a white t shirt on and some pajama pants. He had brought me some decent clothing too. I closed the door and Harry, looking at my WTF face, talked to her.
“Oh my God, Taylor. I’m awfully sorry. I just turn my phone on. I totally forgot and Louie did too. I’m sorry. Can I give you something to drink?” he was such a gentleman, even when he had absolutely no idea what the hell she was doing in our flat.
“Don’t even bother, Harry. I’m fine. I think we need to talk. I need to talk to both of you.” She looked at me. I knew she didn’t like me much or at least that’s what I thought.
“Sure” I said. Approaching her trying not to think about the mess our flat was and why she was there and how she got there. I started to get the same feeling I got when we were called to that meeting with management… which went away when as soon as I sat next to Harry, he touched my leg and grab my hand, smiling at me like he always did.
“Guys, I really admire your music and who you are. I know we haven’t talked much but I know you are great guys and I feel for you in this whole media nightmare. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to handle all this pressure. I admire both of you on your incredible strength” –She said. I wasn’t getting a good feeling out of this. It sounded like a pep talk before dropping a bomb on us. “First of all, I want you to know I have nothing to do with management. I know it’s hard to believe me but…”-She made this long pause, trying to find the right words to say. “I like you Harry and Louie. When Management approached me they had other plans and I said yes because I knew you wouldn’t like the other option. They want us, Harry and me, to go out and then break up and make a big deal out of it. They already gave me music to sing about it and everything. They think it’s going to be a big thing. I’m telling you so you know whats coming. But it’s better off that way. We have been in this industry almost the same amount of time but I have seen this people are able to really screw someone’s life. I’m sure you have too”. We both nodded even thought we had no idea about this when we started. We had this cheesy dream of being famous and living by our music, we had no idea we would have no life without them controlling us. “It’s going to be ok, guys. At the end of the day, this will help our carreers. All I want is not to be awkward between us. Louie, I know it’s got to be weird for you to be in this position when the love of your life goes out with another person, a girl.” I’m sure I put a scary face. Harry didn’t let go of my hand any second of this whole time but he was looking straight at her... “Please, don’t even worry about it. Trust me, I don’t feel anything for Harry and judging by the way he looks at you I highly doubt he will ever feel anything for anybody but you.” Harry looked at me for the first time and smiled. “So, yeah. Louie and Harry, here’s my number. If any day, you need someone to talk to or whatever know you have a friend. I’m quite sure we will see each other more often from now on. I’ll talk to management and tell them I couldn’t go out for any reason. Don’t worry about it, let’s make a team. Now I have your back. And again I’m sorry you have to go through this. Remember this whole thing is for the job, it’s basically acting.” –At this moment I wanted to get up and hold her. She was amazing. For a second I wish I was straight and I was going out with her. I suddenly admire her and trusted her.
“Thank you, Taylor. Thank you so much” Harry said. “You have absolutely no idea how much we appreciate this. We really needed this” He squeezed my hand.
“Don’t even worry about it, Harry. I’m looking forward to look at you smiling in the flashes holding hands.” I could picture it. Harry and I, smiling like a real couple in front of everybody. The other lads would be so proud. I felt a pinch in my heart, wondering when that day would be.
“So, do you want to stay for dinner? Harry is the best cooker in this whole town” I said, wanting to get to know her even more than we have.
“I would love to, Louie. It would make an amazing excuse for the paparazzis outside to make a headline.” –She laughed and we laughed with her.
The dinner went great. It felt like we have known her forever. She was such a nice girl. Also, holding hands with Harry and acting like a couple in front of someone else felt amazing. I love the way he looked and how happy he was. I loved how Taylor was so chill about it. She actually support us. After she left, I called Liam. He texted me and asked me to call him.
“Hey mate! Whats up?” I said.
“Hi, Lou. Where have you been? Is everything ok?” he asked.
“Yeah everything’s is amazing. I just had the best dinner ever” I said, smiling and laughing.
“Oh, so he did it again?” He has always been our most supportive one. He knew what was up from the start.
“Well, it’s more than that. Kind of a long story but yeah, I’m on the moon.” I said.
“That’s amazing man. I was kind of worried about you for this whole media shit.” He replied on an annoyed tone.
“Don’t worry mate. We will find a way.” I said. Looking at Harry who was washing the dishes and smirking while he do that. I wondered if he was remembering last night.
“I know you will. Hey, so let’s hang out with the lads tomorrow. Maybe go out. Do you want to?” He said.
“Sure, I’m sure Harry and I will love to”. We ended the conversation. I approached Harry, he turned around with his wet hands and kissed me. “Tomorrow is also going to be great” He told me looking to my eyes. .
The next day we went out and everything went great. The lads knew we were in love and they were also people who accept us the way we were. Even with all this confusion and anger and everything, I had amazing people around me. People who actually cared for both of us.
HARRY POV.
We had a great year. Sometimes we would have fights but we would figure it out. It wasn’t until the headlines about my love life started to look “lame” and started to look fake and stuff that management came up with another idea control our relationship.
We had a meeting about our tour ideas and album release dates. Our manager looked at us, Louie and I, who were sitting next to each other and begin to talk.
“Guys, we need another plan on this Larry thing. The dating part is not working. Harry, they are not believing us. And Louie, you’ve been alone for too long. No dating rumors, no girls with you. No photos.” He said.
Harry, loud enough to be heard said “Well, why would that be?” He continued ignoring what Harry just said. “Louie, we’re going to set a girlfriend for you. Her name is Eleanor. We’ll say she was a long friend of yours. Her father works for us, that’s how we know her and how we know she’s trust worthy. We are going to cross the bridges when we get there but until then she’ll be your girlfriend. Dates, anniversaries. Stuff like that. Also, from now on we will have control of your tweet accounts. Twitter seems to be strong in this Larry thing so we are clearing rumors through that”. At this point, I wasn’t surprised with anything this people said. They have low standards just to get their celebrities to the top and for hard it might be, it worked. I can’t say I wasn’t upset on Louie being with someone but still, I knew he loved me and I knew she would mean nothing to him.
Louie tried to argue a little bit but he understood there was nothing else to do. This people hardly asked us and always informed us.
When we were going home, I was ok. All this fake relationship with Taylor and some other girls taught me not to freak out, Taylor was an amazing teacher for both of us and it was time to put the mask on. “How are you, lovely?” I asked, smiling at him. I noticed, when I asked, that he was quiet and annoyed. “Not now, Harry”-was all he said. “Hey, don’t put that frown on.” I took his face with both my hands and tried to kiss him. “HEY! Don’t! We’re on a car. People are going to see us.” I knew I wasn’t supposed to but I got offended. “Don’t be rude, mate. You know I didn’t come up with this, right? I’m on your side, remember?” I knew he didn’t mean to but God, this guy he had absolutely no idea how much his words affected me even after what seemed as a lifetime of sharing everything. He looked away and kept silent all the way home.
He spent silent the entire afternoon as well. I had no idea what was going through his mind but I got to say it scared me a little bit. He spent time in his laptop, listening to music and answering e mails and stuff. When I couldn’t handle the distance between us and the loneliness of our home when most of the time there was laughing, playing, music, moaning and everything in between I approached him. “I can’t stand the silence in this house, Louie.” He looked at me. He shut down his laptop and sat straight. “Harry” –when we met I loved the way my name sound in his voice. I still did. Even when he was a little mad and worried. It was so hard to be mad at him. - “I told you I didn’t want to talk. I still don’t but I don’t want to be weird either.” he said, looking serious. “I´m scared. I know I’m scared every single time they try to change our relationship. I get mad every time they tell us we have to look different or act different.” He looked away. “I know this is not your fault at all. I know you have nothing to do with this. We have been through his before”
I interrupted. “I know, Louie. That’s my point. We learnt with Taylor that we can make it through anything. There’s just going to be another girl in here. Whatever. She’ll probably be just as nice as her. Don’t worry, please. Let’s not waste our time. We could be really making out or cooking right now and we’re here, fighting instead.” I said, a little annoyed and trying to smile too. He looked away a little longer. “Fine”, He concluded. I smiled and he made this kinky smile. I kissed him and we forgot, once again, about everything else.
About a weak after that, management told Louie he had to meet this girl. I wasn’t able to join them, obviously. So Louie made this amazing plan in which she would have to come to our flat. It worked, somehow. Before she arrived, Louie saw me really nervous. I was putting on a nice sweater he gave me for our first Christmas together when he came to me and while fixing my shirt, he said “Hey, love, she’s just a girl to cover this up until we’re ready ok? Just a girl” he said. I pretended not to be concerned about it. “I´m fine, hon. I know, its ok”. He knew me better but he kissed me on the lips and smiled.
When I heard the knock on the door, I started to feel sick, my heart began to beat faster but I tried to look normal. “She’s just a girl” I said to myself. When she came in, I was surprised by the look of normal college girl she had. She was skinny, tall, brunette. Perfect hair and makeup. The only thing that bugged me was the little princess vibe. She had this gigantic sun glasses and perfect clothing. “Hi, I´m Eleanor.” Louie was watching her in a way that creeped me. “Hi, I’m Louie and this is Harry”. She came in and shut the door behind her. She sat and looked around, like expecting for us to serve her which really, really, really bothered me.
“So, can I give you anything to drink or…?” Louie asked, trying his best to be polite to her, his new girlfriend. I wondered how this two would make it look real.
“No, I’m fine. Plus, I only drink coffee.” She said, a little too defensive for me.0
“We do have coffee. I can make you some if you want to.” I looked at Louie with my “what the fuck are you doing” face.
“Yeah, I don’t think so. I only drink Starbucks and clearly you don’t have any here” She was starting to grow on me like a bitch who just wanted her paycheck. She had no idea that in this place, we actually had real feelings. We cared for each other. “
So, let’s not make this awkward. Shall we? I just came here so we could get to see our faces. We are going to be together, sorta speak for a while and we better know each other” She said. I couldn’t believe it. This girl really was into the payment. Louie was by my side and he catch my anger. He grabbed my hand and tried to comfort me, on this really weird way he had which I loved. “Sure, we don’t have too much to say actually. You might know this already but well, Harry and I we´re together” He looked at me and smiled. We have learnt to not be afraid to show our love when we could and this was our time, in our flat. “Yeah, we so together it might be scary” He said. We laughed. She didn’t.
“Yeah, right. Anyway, so we’re obviously not going to intimate or anything. We have to hold hands and grab some coffee together. That’s all there will be.” She said, looking at the ground. Almost avoiding our eyes to match hers.
There was an awkward silence. “Okay, Eleanor I’m sure you’re a great girl” I said trying to hold on to the idea that she might be like Taylor who was a great supportive system for us “and we’re awfully sorry to make you go through this…” She interrupted me.
“Please, Harry, right? Don’t pity me. I wanted to do this. I´m not some low standards girl. I know what it takes for girls to get in this business and I’ll do whatever. Including this.” She said pointing her awful fingers towards us. Ok, I was pissed.
“Listen, Eleanor I was only trying to make this a little less awkward for the three of us” Louie was thinking about something, silent. I couldn’t tell. “But you’re obviously not interested so… let’s wrap it up, should we?” I was about to stand up and kick her out when Louie came out of his own thinking.
“Harry, calm down. Eleanor, please let’s not make this weird. We can be friends and just be normal around each other. Trust me, it’s better off that way. It’s like we were a team, you know?” I catch his metaphor. He was also clinging to the thought that maybe she was like Taylor. Of course at this moment I was already letting go of the thought. This girl had no intention whatsoever to be friends with us.
“Louie and…. Harry, I’m not into being friends with you at all. Sorry, I really don’t share your way of living.” Oh, I got it. I just wondered why the hell she would agree to be a beard for a gay couple if she had such strong opinion on the subject. Hated her. Louie looked at me, so annoyed. He stood up. “Okay, Eleanor. Nice to meet you… not. I guess we’ll see each other sometime and I’ll pretend I’m into your way of living but please know I am going to judge you on the inside.” He led her to the door. I couldn’t be prouder of my beloved one. “See ya around!” he said, with a sarcastic smile. She did nothing but walk right next to Louie. She stood right next to the door. She looked at both of us. She touched Louie’s face “See ya around, honey”. She looked at me with that bitchy face, smiled and walked away.
Louie shut the door and laughed his ass off for about five minutes until he looked at me. “Oh my God, it’s gonna be fun!” we both laughed. He pushed me to the wall and kissed me. “I wanted to do this the whole time that crazy girl was here!”
Shit. I really, really, really, really liked this guy.
LOUIE POV.
Eleanor was, without any doubt, a pain in the ass. She was rude and fake. Of course she was. I mean, she was a fake girlfriend but still we both hated her. She was mean to us because Harry suspected, she was some crazy homophobic girl who was after the paycheck. Harry and I would laugh about her all the time. She just gave us more material every time I went out with her or every time we talked to her. It was just fun. After a while things relax between Harry and I and as always this situation just brought us even closer. I knew Harry and Eleanor didn’t get along at all but at this point we were both quite sure it was better for us to hide and pretend. Sooner or later she would be out of our lives and we would continue being in love with each other.
One night, after we had dinner we went to bed. We were both really tired so he just hold me tight and kissed me goodnight. Around midnight my phone rang. I saw who it was. It was Eleanor. We had been “dating” for a while and this never happened before so it really kind of bothered me. She never ever showed any kind of affection towards me or Harry. I stood up, untangle myself from Harry who was sleeping like a baby. I stepped out of the room and pick up the phone. “Hello?” the end of the line was silent. All I could hear was Eleanor’s heavy breathing and sobbing. “Eleanor? Are you ok?” I asked. “Louie, I’m sorry for calling so late. I had no idea who to call and you are my…” she broke down to tears. I couldn’t believe it, all the time I have known her she never showed a single emotion. “Hey, try to breathe. It’s ok. Tell me, whats wrong?” I was trying my best to comfort her. She wasn’t my friend or anything like it but if she called me… well, I had to mean something to her than just a guy she pretends to go out with. “Can I ask you for a huge favor?” she said, still crying. “Of course, anything.” I couldn’t believe I actually meant that. “Can you come over? I really need someone to talk to right now and you are the only one I actually trust, please.” She needed someone and she called me. “Sure, just give me a minute to get ready and I’ll be there.” I said, searching for a piece of paper so I could leave a note for Harry. “Thank you, Louie.” She said, still really upset. “Don’t worry. Please, try to relax until I’m there.” She hang up the phone. I came up to our room where Harry was already up, scratching his eyes like he always did every time he woke up. “What’s going on, love?” he asked with the sweetness he always had when talking to me. “Babe, its Eleanor. She called me. She’s pretty upset. Something is wrong with her and she asked me to go to her house, she needs someone to talk to and for some kind of weird reason she called me. I’m going to check on her and come back. Ok?” Harry, even when half asleep, was confused. “Do you want me to come with you?” he said. Trying his best to be supportive when he didn’t agree with me coming to her house in the middle of the night. “No, babe. You stay here, I’ll be back as soon as I make sure she’s fine.” I told him, approaching him and kissing him on the lips. Next, I put the blankets back on him. I kissed him on his forehead. “Ok, be careful with her. I love you.” I took my keys and had a last glance of him falling sleep again. He looked unbelievable beautiful when he slept.
Her house was half an hour away from our flat. On my way there, I started to wonder what was going on with her. She always seemed to have everything under control. She was always so cold and she never really showed anything to me.
Her place was a nice house in a nice part of our town. As soon as she opened the door, she hugged me and cried. “Eleanor, what’s bothering you so much?” I asked, without even trying to hide my uncomforting feeling at seeing her crying. I hate seeing people cry. “Let’s go inside”. She was really upset. She was wearing a her pajamas and a jersey. She sat in her couch. She had a cup of tea between her hands. “I’m sorry for making you come here, Louie but I don’t know. I need to talk to you”. She was finally talking to me like if I was a real human being and not some random guy she totally hates. “Don’t worry, Eleanor. Tell me, whats wrong?” I said. She was sitting in front of me so trying to hug her would be awkward. She cleaned the tears from her cheeks and said “This is finally getting to me, Louie. I know I have been a cold bitch from the beginning. And I know you guys are pretty sure I’m doing this for the money and I understand why, I mean I told you that myself but it’s not true. They’re making me do this because my father works at modest and he thinks he knows whats best for my future. I hate myself for doing this to you and Harry. I have seen you together, I know what you feel for each other and its beautiful and real.” A person I loved a long time ago told me once that people can’t be completely bad. Eleanor was the first person in my life I thought was just mean and now I was looking at this scared little girl who was sick of her dad making decisions over her life. “I wish I could have a normal relationship with someone I loved. I’ve tried to date guys from my university but I can’t. I wish I had a life worth keeping.” That last bit concerned me. Was she saying she wanted out of… life?
“Eleanor, you have to stay strong. Just like Harry and I. You have to think you´re young, talented and beautiful and this will end someday. I promise you” She smiled when I told her she was beautiful. It made me wonder if somebody has ever told her she was amazingly stunning. “My proposal for friendship is still up and running. We make fun of you with Harry mostly because you have potential for being friends with us. We are nice people. And chances are we will be on this for a while. I’ve heard they want to take you on tour with us.” She laughed. She looked a tiny bit better.
“I´d like to be friends with you, Louie. I’m not too sure about Harry. I know he doesn’t like me at all.” She said, with a tiny smile in her face. For the first time since I met her, I realized Eleanor was a smart woman. She wasn’t the fragile, naïve girl they showed.
“You see, none of us liked you for that whole princess walk you did at our place. But he’ll come around. He´s amazing, you’ll see” I said, smiling back at her and almost excited about getting to know her.
“So you really love him, huh?” she said, drinking some tea. I remember how she told me she only drank coffee.
“More than anything in the world.” I said, looking at my hands.
“He’s a really lucky guy. You both are.” She was actually being nice. What?!
“It’s funny you say that. We both thought you were some crazy homophobic.” That was a joke but she didn’t laugh.
“That wasn’t me, Louie. The people at modest, they are homophobic. It’s almost like being gay could harm someone’s career. I guess the sad part of all of this is that it sometimes does”. I knew she was right but I was having too much of an amazing time to screw it up with modest talk. She noticed my discomfort so she kept asking about Harry and I.
“How long have you been in love with him?” she asked. By now she was completely relaxed. I, in some level, liked that.
“Ever since I met him back in 2010. We met in the toilets and I loved his smile and his curly hair. Of course back then I wasn’t really sure about how I felt about my sexuality but I figure it out along the way. I was so scared that he might not feel the same way but well, he did and we just hit it off. It was amazing. He’s like the love of my life. I get this feeling when we’re together. Nothing else matters. And when we sing he can’t take his eyes off me and I can’t either. it’s like we matched.” I replied. I noticed she looked sad. “Have you ever felt that way?” I asked.
“Not really. Specially on the status bubble I live by. Most of the guys I know are just playing.” She replied.
“Eleanor, you should know you deserve something like what Harry and I have. I mean, real love. You totally deserve to have the time of your life and feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else… Just don’t give up on it, okay?” I said.
“Sure.”
We spent the rest of the night talking about her and how she felt with her life. It was comforting to finally get to know her and talk to her for real. Behind all this perfect image of her there was a girl who wanted great things in her life and who wanted to matter.
When I realized she was already sleepy, I said goodbye and came home feeling really excited about spending time with her, we could be awesome friends. I came home to my prince sleeping like an angel. I lay next to him and played with his hair for a while until I fell sleep.
HARRY POV.
After that night when Louie ran to Eleanor’s house, they became close friends. I wasn’t jealous our anything but it almost felt as if I was being left behind, kinda. I hated the thought and the feeling. Louie, of course was still the amazing and caring guy I always loved but I felt like an outsider. Like he was best friends with her and I was just… the boyfriend. So Louie started to catch up on this and one day he decided he was going to do something about it.
I was cooking our lunch when he came to me, “Hey, love” he said hugging me from the back. “How are you?” I turned around and kissed him on the lips. “I’m making your favorite food. Mr. Styles” I loved calling him like that. it made him smile, every time. “Great, thank you! Hey, so I was thinking maybe Eleanor can come tonight to dinner. What do you think? We can watch movies or something?” I was already feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t like the idea. He knew it. “Hmmm I mean, again? You know how it went the last time she came here” I said, trying my very best to remind him of how I felt about her. “I know, babe but she’s different. I promise you, you will like her. She’s just a nice girl.” He played with my hair which I always loved and for some reason made me shiver. “I guess we can give it a try” I knew I would regret it but at least that would show him her true colors or something, I was hoping.
Around seven, she got there. I was finishing my master piece when I heard the doorbell. Louie was the one to open the door. He was looking so sweet in this normal sweater and jeans. I choose the same outfit and we were almost matching. “Hey Eleanor, how are you?” He said, hugging her. I watched from our kitchen how cute they looked together and had a strange feeling all over my body. She was looking beautiful with a white short dress and black shoes that matched her earrings. I decided that at least I was going to try. I approached her and gave her a quick hug... She came in, and sat on our living room. I went to the kitchen to finish our dinner. They sat together. From the kitchen I could hear them talking about her university, her classmates and how everything was going. They really talked like two best friends. At some point Louie looked at me. “Hazz, come here!” he said. Trying to make me sit and chat with her but I realize I would have enough time for that later. “I’m gonna finish our dinner. I’ll be there in a minute.” Louie smiled at me and started to flatter my cooking skills, like he did every time someone said anything food related. After a little time listening to them talking and laughing I said, “The dinner is ready guys.” Louie turned around and smiled. “Oh great, let’s go El!” He said. Now Louis had a nickname for her. Great.
I was trying to keep myself quiet and not give away my thoughts and concerns about this whole friendship thing. I mean, she could say something to the media and really hurt us. I wasn’t really sure about her. I knew it was stupid since I wanted to be friends with her at the beginning and if this girl was important for my Lou then I had to suck it up and be nice to her. “So Eleanor, you’re at college right?” I said, trying to be polite with all I had. “Yeah. Harry.” That was cold, for the most part. “She’s studying this thing I cant even pronounce but its so fun, Hazz. Sometimes I wish we would’ve done the whole college and uni thing. Like together or something” He smiled at me. I had no idea what that comment was supposed to mean but I tried to not overthink. “Really? What would you study, little one?” I smiled at him. “well, sociology, sicology, economy and something else but I’m not sure yet” we both laughed out loud because he was making the exact same comment I made when they asked me what I would study in uni when I auditioned for the X factor. Those were the ways he had to make me understand I was the first and last thought in his mind. Once again, I realized I loved him. On the other hand, Eleanor had no idea why we were laughing. I catch her being uncomfortable... Louie tried to explain the joke but we all know explaining jokes is the easiest way to kill it. Anyway, he tried. At this point I started to realize Eleanor was a bit uncomfortable every single time Louie and I flirted or anything. That made me wonder if she was growing feelings for Louie or maybe she just didn’t like gay couples. Of course, I kept all of this to myself.
During dinner, Eleanor and I hardly talked. She didn’t like me and I didn’t like her and by the end of the night we were pretty sure about that. I didn’t know if Louie realized all of this so when she left, I asked him.
“So, did you enjoyed yourself tonight?” I asked while we were picking up the table and cleaning everything together. Louie hates to do this kind of things but I always try to make it a bit pleasant for him. “Yeah. I told you. Eleanor is great. She’s different, obviously but she’s great” Ok, now I could take two conclusions out of that statement. Frist of all, he was still comparing her to Taylor and all the girls I have went out with and second of all, he didn’t notice the tension between her and I. “Sure. She’s nice..” I looked away. “She doesn’t like me much but yeah”. He made this awkward laugh and looked at me. “Hey, don’t think it like that. She doesn’t know you that much, give her a change, Hazz. You’ll like her.” I wasn’t too convinced. But he stopped doing what he was doing and hugged me. “I love you, thank you for everything tonight. You’re great.” He kissed me next and left to take a shower. I cleaned what was left and joined him. I wasn’t sure about her but I didn’t care at the moment. I was so in love with this man, so thrilled to be having such a great relationship with someone I actually loved that everything else wasn’t that important.
A week after our little dinner with Eleanor, Liam threw a house party. I got to be honest here and say I wasn’t too excited about it. It was with the lads, we would have fun and all but there were going to be other guests. Guests who didn’t know about Louie and I. So I would probably have to be with some hot model and he would be with Eleanor. It was the first time the lads would meet her.
I was getting ready when Louie came to the bathroom. “You look amazing, Hazz.” He said, smiling at the reflection of me. He noticed I was a little bit nervous and serious. “We’re going to have a great night ok? I mean, its going to suck not be able to cuddle you and kiss you in front of everybody but yeah, we’ll make it work and I’m sure the lads will support us like they always do”. That was a really comforting speech. I liked it. I turned around and kissed him softly. I loved it when I didn’t have to say anything at all to let him know I was grateful he was in my life. “I love you, little one” I said to him.
The party was huge. There were a lot of people we were friends with. Some of them I didn’t even recognize. I decided I wasn’t going with any super model and modest didn’t force me to... Just a night with my friends and Louie. He did invite Eleanor because they have to look like an actual couple and couples do that kind of things plus he really wanted the lads to meet her since he was really convinced she was a great girl and could be friends with all of us. She came to me and said hi like other times. Cold and awkward. I was getting used to it. Louie and I usually communicate in public through eye contact and that was how we did it the entire night. “You look so, so hot” I said to his ear. He smiled and blushed.
Everything was great until we started to dance. At first it was all of us, dancing and joking around. At one point I lost Louie from my sight and the next thing I saw was him and Eleanor dancing. It didn’t bother me at first until they started to get… touchy. I grab some hot girl who was there and started to dance with her. Louie was looking at me. I wanted so bad to make him jealous so I started touching her and laughing with her and looking at him on the same time. He catch this game we were playing so he did the exact same thing with Eleanor. At some point, this whole thing got a bit too much and he started to make it look as if he was kissing her neck. She obviously liked it. And I obviously hated it. As soon as I saw her face and how she was looking at him I got sick to my stomach. I told this girl I was dancing with that I really needed some air. I run to the balcony and stepped outside. I had a mixed feeling of anger and sadness. The view of the town got blurry when my eyes were filled with tears.
“Harry, I’m sorry. That was over the line.” I felt his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t say a word and didn’t turn around either. “Let’s not fight, okay? I know you’re mad but what you did wasn’t very nice either.” He said. I started to be really angry.
“What I did, Louis? I’ll never see that girl again, you know? But the girl you’re messing around with is a girl we will both have to see for a long a time until this whole thing is over. What if she likes you?” I said and turned around. He had a very confused look upon his face.
“What do you mean if she likes me, Harry? She knows what we’re here for. She knows it pretty well.” He said, defending her.
“Are you really that blind, Louis? Didn’t you notice how she smiles at you? How she looks at you? I know because I look at you the same way!” I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Louie didn’t say a word to me. “I’m going home. I’m tired. I’ll see you there, I guess.” I said walking away.
“I guess? Don’t you trust me?” He asked.
“Of course I do, Louis. I just don’t trust her.” I replied. As I was walking towards the house, I saw Liam standing by the door, looking at us worried.
I approached him. I was really angry and I didn’t want to talk. “I’m going home. I’m sorry, I’m really tired.” I said.
“Okay, do you want me to go with you?” He asked.
“No, this is your party. You can’t leave.” I replied. “Your guests are going to talk.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll go with you, come on.” He led me inside the party. All the guests were so into it that they didn’t even notice that Liam went with me home. He obviously saw me upset and sad, even when I had a driver he wanted to make sure everything was fine.
He even came upstairs and asked me what was that about. “Well, I guess modest will tear us down after all.” I said. Wishing what I was saying wasn’t true.
“What do you mean?” He asked, sitting on our couch in front of me.
“It’s Eleanor. Louis keeps denying it but I’m sure she likes him and I’m terrified he might like her as well.” I said.
For some kind of reason, Liam smiled. “Louis liking Eleanor? Are you kidding me? I mean, she could like him but Louis? He’s into you. He’s always been into you. I’m quite sure you two will end up getting married and being silly together. Don’t worry about it.” He said. I looked up to him.
“I don’t necessary like that he’s hanging around with some brat who likes him. I don’t know, I’m scared. I feel like I’m freaking out. They’re best friends, what if she changes his mind?” I asked.
“She won’t. I think Louis is gay and not because of her or even because of you. It’s just who he is.” He said. “You talk to him or whatever but be sure that he’s going to love you, no matter what. Trust me, okay?” He stood up. “Now, go to bed and watch some chick flick and remember he loves you a lot. And he’ll come around.” He gave me a hug and left.
I went straight to bed and fell sleep. I didn’t want to think about it or worry about it.
LOUIE POV.
After Harry left, Eleanor came out. I was looking at the view of the city, feeling angry and desperate inside. I couldn’t picture Eleanor in love with me and I couldn’t understand why Harry had to be so dramatic about it. I just didn’t get it.
“Hey, Louie. Is everything alright?” She asked.
“Yes. I just needed some air. Are you okay?” I turned around.
“Sure. Do you think we can get out of here?”
“Why? Are you tired? I can get you home if you want to. I’m tired too but I don’t want to go home yet.”
She took my hand and smiled. “Let’s go.”
We went to her house. She cook something quick and we sat at her table and ate. She was trying really hard to talk to me, to make a conversation but I couldn’t help but think about Harry being lonely back at home. I wasn’t really listening to her and she realized.
“Lou, where are you?” She asked.
“I’m here, what do you mean?”
“Are you thinking about him?” She said. I didn’t fully understand why she was asking that. I mean, Harry was my boyfriend and the reason why she was with me on the first place. Of course I was thinking about him. Plus, I was quite sure she listened to the fight, even though I didn’t like to accept it.
“We had a fight tonight and I don’t know, it’s hurting I guess.” I replied.
“Don’t think about it. I’m sure I have something here to help you out.” She stood up and took a bottle of whiskey off her shelf.
I didn’t want to get wasted but I didn’t care. I was too sad and angry to care. We talked about anything and drank the whole bottle the two of us. At the end I was quite drunk and so was she.
I hate to be this guy who says “one thing led to another” but that’s the only way I can explain it. We were laughing at her couch when all of the sudden, she approached me and kissed me. I’m completely sure I’m gay and when she did it, I couldn’t help it but to feel disgusted. I backed off right away.
“What are you doing?” I stood up, or tried to.
“Are you going to pretend you don’t know what I’m doing?” She said, standing up and coming closer.
“Eleanor, I’m gay. That’s what we’re here for. To pretend” I replied.
“So what you did tonight was pretending?” She said, trying to seduce me.
“This isn’t about you… I’m in love with Harry.” I didn’t want her to keep talking so I took my phone and called my driver. I didn’t thought about it until I was already home. I was drunk but I know when somebody likes me and she liked me. She really, really liked me. I couldn’t believe she kissed me and now I had to tell Harry. I was so scared. I didn’t kiss her back or wanted it but I still felt like a cheater.
I didn’t want to wake Harry up so I just lay on the couch. I cried when I thought it might hurt Harry. And still I had to pretend to be with Eleanor.
I woke up to Harry looking at me. He was mad and I understand why. I was hangover, with a bad headache and feeling sick. I remembered what happened with Eleanor and felt ever sicker.
“We have rehearsals today for the tour. It’d be nice that you shower and get ready. I’ll make some breakfast… or maybe just some coffee.” He walked away. I stood up and realized I was still drunk. I didn’t want to make it weird for Harry and so I just went straight to the bathroom.
When I was ready, I went to the dinner table. He made me coffee. He was standing there, washing dishes. He didn’t say a word. I guess I would preferred if he just yelled at me cause his silence was killing me.
“Harry, can we please talk about this? I really need to talk to you.” I said.
“Not now, Louis. I’m not ready.” He replied.
“Ready for what?” I asked.
“Liam called last night, he was worried. After he left me here, he went back to the party and you and Eleanor weren’t there… He thought you came here but you obviously didn’t.” He said, without even looking at me. “And I’m not ready for whatever you have to say. Don’t even try to tell me I’m deluded because I’m not so, let’s just get ready and go” He said, walking away.
The car came and took us to the studio. I was feeling miserable. He was right to be mad... when we got there all of the boys knew something was wrong but none of them asked. We just went on about our day.
At one point, I had to go to the bathroom. When I stepped inside, Harry was there washing his face.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I said. Then I noticed he was crying. “Hazz, are you okay?” I asked approaching him.
“Don’t touch me! Just give me a second, yeah? I’ll be fine, just leave me alone.” He said, almost yelling.
I have never seen him like that before, it scared me. I loved Harry with all I had and I didn’t want to be this guy who hurts him like that. I didn’t want to make him miserable. I had no idea what to say so I just went away. I started to wonder if maybe she talked to him or if he knew somehow.
I just wanted to get home and talk to him, maybe he would be a little more relaxed by then and we would be able to talk it out.
But that never happened. When the rehearsal was over, he approached me.
“I’m not going home tonight... I just need time to be alone, I hope you understand.” He said, bearly looking at me.
“Harry, what’s wrong? Why cant you speak to me? I’m right here.” I said, taking his hand. He shook me off and then left without saying a word.
I knew there was nothing I could do to change his mind so I just tried my best to understand that maybe he needed sometime to himself, away from me. That night when I got home I was feeling really bad. I missed him. He was my partner in everything we did and now he wasn’t even there. I lay in bed and took my phone. I went into twitter for some reason and realized I had a bunch of hate which is kind of normal but I didn’t understand. Finally, I realized I tweeted something. Well, I didn’t actually tweeted it. It was a hate tweet to Larry so the only one to blame was Modest and their unbreakable will to lower the rumors around us. Of course, they didn’t think the fans saw us at rehearsals. Anyway, they never thought it through.
And then I understood. Harry must’ve read it and he just connected the dots. I felt a shiver all over my body just thinking what Harry must’ve think about it. The tweet was quite rude and hateful. I saw the clock. It was midnight. I was pretty sure Harry would be sleeping, especially after the day we just had. But I needed to tell him it wasn’t true. Plus, I needed him to know how I felt about Eleanor and everything that happened with her. I didn’t talk to her that entire day and I didn’t want to. I didn’t think twice. I grab my keys and got into the car. On the way there, I called Harry. It took a while for him to reply.
“Harry, I know you’re mad and hurt but we need to talk. We really, really need to talk. I’m on the car. Where are you?” I was trying to sound desparate because I was.
I heard him moving around and breathing heavily. “I’m on a hotel. Maybe you should take the back entrance. There are a lot of paps outside.”
That was literally the last thing we needed. Pictures of us. I called the hotel –I knew he only went to one hotel when he was upset- and I made a clean entrance. I had to pay some people at the hotel so they wouldn’t say a word. It was a commun thing to do. Specially when there are so many people who are looking for an exclusive on Harry and I.
When I got into his room, he was looking out the window. He had his shirt off and was only wearing some pijamas.
I approached him. “Hazz, we need to talk.” I saw his face, he was crying. He turned around and wrapped his hands around my waist. I touched his hair and tried to calm him down. “I’m here now. Don’t worry.” He wiped his face and looked at me. Those green eyes killed me when they were sad.
“Tell me it isn’t true, Lou” He begged. “Tell me you didn’t write that online. I don’t deserve that, I don’t know what the hell I did. You could’ve just talked to me, we were fine…”
I grabbed his face with my hands. “Are you kidding me, Hazz? I would never do that. You know how dessparate they are to make ‘larry’ go away. They made a mistake on tweeting about it because we were at rehearsals all day. Don’t believe them. We have way more important stuff to talk about” I wanted so bad to kiss him but I had more to say. “I need to tell you something… it’s about Eleanor.” He stood up and sat on the couch next to his bed. His eyes glittered for the tears and the light.
“What happened with her, Lou?” He asked. Trying to clean his face and calm down.
“Yesterday I went to her house after the party. I didn’t want to be at home and have to deal with this. I’m sorry, Hazz but she kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back and we were both drunk. I’m so, so sorry. I havent spoke to her since yesterday and I don’t want to. I’ll figure something out but…” he interrupted.
“Did you liked it? Did you felt anything?” He asked, looking deadly serious.
“No, I didn’t. Hazz, I love you. I like you… but I think we need to do something about this situation with her. I mean, you were right she does like me.”
“Can we talk about it later? Like tomorrow? I want to go home. I want to be with you.” He said.
“I want the same thing, Harry. Let’s go home.”
So we went home, he changed his clothes and I did the same thing. All in silence. The last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it.
“I love it when you cuddle with me, Lou.” He said. He was falling sleep. I stayed there awake wondering what we were going to do about this. How we would fix it.
HARRY POV
The next morning I woke up with Louis’ arm around me. Like so many times before, as soon as I woke up and saw him I thought about everything we had to face that day. I decided I would forget about it for a little while. I kissed him on the lips and he woke up to that.
“Hey, Hazza.” He tried to smile.
“How you’d sleep?” I asked.
“I’m okay, I guess.” We were both really worried about this whole situation.
“We’ll find a way, right?” I asked.
“Of course, we always do.” I stood up after kissing him and went to the kitchen to make our breakfast. When I came back, he was on the phone. It was Eleanor. He had an angry look upon his face.
“No, I don’t mean that. You know how I feel about this. No, I’m not trying to hurt you.” He didn’t notice I was there. I made a noise when I left the plates on our bed. He faced me then he said goodbye to her and hang up.
“What does she want?” I asked. Trying to hide the awkwardness.
“She’s apologizing, I think. Harry, I’m going to stand up to Management. I don’t want to do this anymore”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. They have us for at least a couple of years. Unless you want out of the band, this is the only way.”
“I know but I don’t want this. We’ll be hurting her and also hurting each other with all of this. I’m going right now.” He stood up and dial our manager’s phone number.
“Lou, don’t! It’s not going to help us.” I said, trying to stop him but I saw he was way too convinced.
He talked to him and told him he wanted a meeting, just the two of them as soon as possible. He got ready and called the driver. I didn’t agree with it. I would’ve prefer having him next to me, have a normal and relaxed day and not go around trying to change the things that we couldn’t change.
“I don’t think you should go, Lou. But I will support you. Call me later yeah?” I said.
He didn’t say a word. He looked really pissed off. I didn’t want him to go thinking he had to make up to me. At the end of the day, I knew he loved me and for that moment it was all I cared about.
“I love you, Hazz.” He kissed me and left.
I spent the entire day checking my phone and being nervous about the whole thing. Around noon, I received a phone call. It was Liam. He wanted to know what was going on between Lou and me. I told him about his plan to talk to our manager. He agreed with me. It was a terrible plan but there was no way to stop him.
When it was already dark, I heard the knock on the door. I knew it was him. He looked dessapointed. So I just figured it didn’t go well. As soon as he stepped inside, I hugged him. He hugged me back and we stayed that way for a while. I wanted to wait until he was ready to tell me what happened.
“I don’t know what else we’re supposed to do. It’s only getting worse.” He said.
“What happened?” I asked. He sat next to me and told me the whole story.
Basically, he talked to our manager and told him he wanted out of this relationship with Eleanor. They argued for a while. Our manager exposed all of the arguments why they couldn’t just break up. And then said that now the relationship and their public image was in danger. And informed him that they would put her on tour with us.
“I’m sorry, Harry. You told me I shouldn’t go and I did it anyway.” He said.
“Don’t apologize, love. They probably have been planning this for a while. It will make your relationship look way stronger. I think you need to tell her the truth. Remind her she cant have feelings for you or else this thing will be a nightmare for her.”
And so Louis talked to her and we went on tour together. At first it was really, really weird but they made it work. Of course, there were a lot of fans who would realize how awkward the situation was and they comment it without any doubt. Most of the times, that would make us laugh.
Also, their plan didn’t work that well. Fans thought it was a little suspicious for her to come with us. You could see miles away that Eleanor and Louis had no chemistry whatsoever. On the other hand, Louis and I would try to keep it down. We made that mistake on our first tour and people definitely catch up.
Anyway, they lasted a bit longer. After a while, Eleanor was quite advanced in uni and she finally wanted a real relationship so one day when her agreedment ended, they ‘broke’ up.
I realize now, looking back that Lou and I definitely shared what felt like a lifetime together. We shared the good times and the bad times, he would always be there smiling at me and making me feel safe beside him.
After a while, something began to change in me. Every time I looked at him, every time I looked at signs from our fans supporting our relationship on our shows, every time I wondered if it was time for us to come out. I was sure I wanted to. I wanted to scream to the world that I loved him and he loved me back. I would dream about each other getting married someday. Our families and everybody there. The lads with us and everyone just supporting us. By then he was 23 and I was 21. We were two adults who were living a life they weren’t completely satisfied about. I wanted more.
When I was younger, I was terrified to come out because I really cared what people thought about me. I cried thinking about how people hated me already and how much they would hate me if I came out. I didn’t want to ruin it for my friends. I hated the feeling. But then, I changed. I grew up. Even Louis noticed. I felt a lot freer. It made me feel happy and I wanted more than this.
This grew on me so much that one day I talked to Louie about it. We were in this precious city in the middle of nowhere. We arranged a date, somewhere paparazzis wouldn’t follow and nobody would see us. We were sitting next to this huge lake, with mountains in the background. It was a daydream. He was looking stunning like he always do. His eyes matched the lake.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately, Lou…” I said, bringing him closer to me. He looked at me, just like the first time. It made me happy to know we were still in love, even after so many years. “I don’t wanna sound weird or anything but I think we should take this to another level”. I was so nervous that my hands began to sweat. I didn’t want to look at his reaction so I just kept talking. “We’ve been together since like forever and I want to have more with you. I wanna have a house and I don’t know, kids maybe. I wanna marry you and spend our lives together. We’ve been through everything. Ever since the Xfactor with the lads and I just want more.” I finally looked at him. He was looking down, smiling. “Are you asking me to marry you, Harold?” I’m pretty sure I went pale. I didn’t have like a ring or a tattoo artist or something. I didn’t plan it all too well. “Well, I’m saying I want to, Lou. I want to marry you someday. But first, I think we should consider coming out…” as soon as I said it, he changed his face from happy to scared and upset. “You know we can’t do that now. Things haven’t changed since that meeting with management ages ago. They still won’t let us do that.” He said being deadly serious. “I mean, I know that Louie but I’m starting to feel like we’re losing our lives. We are not eighteen anymore. We are adults now, adults who can make their own calls” I said, feeling my heart breaking a little bit. “Hazz, listen to me. I feel that exact same way sometimes but there’s nothing we can do now. Besides, I don’t know what different it would make to get their permission. I mean we can still get married or whatever without coming out.” I couldn’t believe what I was listening. Was he suggesting what I thought? “Oh I get it now, so you want to have a house, a dog, two kids, a cangaroo and still say we’re straight? And we can invite my fake girlsfriends and yours to dinner every night and the kids would understand that we don’t want to say we’re gay out of fear so they would grow up thinking its ok to discriminate people because they like a girl or a boy. Is that what you are saying?” I was starting to get mad and this beautiful place we were at started to look not so pretty. He looked at me and I saw his anger. “Dont be silly, Harry. Please. I know its important. I just don’t feel ready. Maybe we could, I don’t know come out to our families first?” I thought about it. I was pretty sure my mom and stepdad haven’t believed this propaganda about my love life from the media. They knew me better and they also have seen me with Louie. My sister, well I never said anything to her either but every single time I had a fight with Louie she would be the first to know. Plus, she came with us on tour and she probably saw how fake Eleanor and Louie relationship was. And how real we were. Also, the boys tease us a lot so she probably catch something from it. On the other hand, Louie’s family were a bit more distant about it. Still they knew Eleanor was fake. It’s actually pretty hard to lie to this people who have raised us and watched us for our entire life. So chances were they already knew but it might work as a little essay to the big announcement. “That sounds good, Louie. Let’s take this one step at the time”.
We decided we would have dinner at our parents house. First Louie’s and then mine. Only Louie’s mom asked if the other lads were coming. I think my mom and stepdad were pretty sure what this was about, which made me really, really nervous.
That night we went to our hotel room. We laid on our bed and talked about the future, which of course ended up being a talk about our past. “Did you ever thought we would end up like this?” I asked while he touched my hair. “Like in love and everything? No, not it a million years. I mean, I always thought you were hot or whatever” he giggle. “But I never thought I would actually fall in love with you. I remember when I first met you and I had this awkward feeling but then we started to get to know each other and then… that night” he made this long pause, thinking about the night we kissed for the first time. It was a beautiful night. We had this very long rehearsal for the X factor finale. We weren’t sure about our feelings, or maybe we were but weren’t ready to admit it. We were both sitting outside and I had this weird feeling when, while we were making jokes and laughing, he touched me in a different way. I looked at him, trying to make him understand I was afraid but just looking at him would make me feel happy. That was the first time I felt incredibly good about this guy’s eyes. To be honest I was the one who made the first move. I approached him and took a glimpse at his eyes from a closer point of view. When I realized he was approaching too and he wasn’t going to fight me, I kissed his lips softy, with my heads pressed to his cheeks... It felt amazing. It was something that I needed and wanted. I stepped away and watched him. His eyes were closed and I loved to know that he felt the same butterflies as me. I kissed his cheek and told him that I loved him, then I hugged him so tight. I could feel him shivering but he didn’t let go and answered he loved me back. That was the first time I knew I would never feel the same way for anyone else. We stayed there, hugging for a while. I remember thinking about how this was going to affect us but I didn’t care, really. He would be by my side. I looked at him once again, I wanted to remember every single detail of him that night. “You’re perfect to me, Louie” He smiled and blushed. It was a magical, amazing night. After that we were both pretty sure we liked each other and one day, out of nowhere, we decided we were a couple. It was quite funny actually. We were silly around each other, we would laugh and the best part was being playful with the cameras on. That’s how I knew he was real about me. He never changed, not for a minute, not even when management tried to shut us down. “It was almost like we matched, Harry. Almost like you and I were meant to be together.” He looked at me in the eye and approached without letting go of my hair. “We’re meant to be together” He kissed me, just because. “We are, love.” We spent the whole night remembering all those times when we felt like nothing really mattered cause we had each other. Like the first time he cooked for me and how it became a thing to mention it on interviews. We had only known each other for some years but we had had a really amazing life together. I was both nervous and excited about what would come next.
LOUIE POV.
The day Harry kind of asked me to marry him was almost a perfect day. We hang out with each other and we were in this beautiful place in some far away city of the world. I couldn’t believe it that this man, the one I loved with all my heart since we were kids, was such a caring and amazing person. That day we decided that we would come out to our families and just take this whole thing one step at the time. I was, honeslty, freaking out about it. I didn’t want to but I knew that if we kept saying “some day” then we will never ever do it for real. Harry knew it and he didn’t hesitate of telling me.
But before we could see our families we had another world tour. Touring was awesome but it was really exhausting and most of the time, it would be difficult for Harry and I to keep up with our relationship while touring since we don’t tour alone and we would have to find ways to see each other and even just talk to each other in privacy which was already hard when you’re with loads of people who are pulling out the show. Plus, even if we were going around the world there was always some sort of drama, rumors and people talking.
Something started to change with Harry. I guess he was testing what his new life would be, I have no idea. But he started to be quite open about supporting LGTB rights and all of the sudden I would realize that fans really, really support him. I remember at some show I saw a sign that said that they loved him, no matter what. It was weird. It was like they really knew it. The fans actually didn’t care that we have “said” that we hated Larry and all of that. Of course, Management were the ones who said it but it was almost like the fans knew us better. I will never ever be able to understand the relationship we had with the fans. It got really freaky sometimes. So Harry was now getting involved in all kind of rumors and discussions about his sexuality. And I gotta say that I kind of hate it but I’ve never seen him happier. He was over the moon, really. “Did you see what I did there?” He would say, laughing and jumping around like a little kid. I would just laugh and ask him to have more caution. “I don’t care, Lou. They support us, that’s all that actually matters”. I knew he was right. Management couldn’t do more. The last thing they could do was going out themselves and say we weren’t gay or something. They tried everything. Even this thing with Eleanor fell apart when she decided she had enough and moved on with her own life. And finally, this boy who years ago would flip out if someone said anything negative about him on social media, was jumping up and down stage with a “Sam” T-shirt and giving thumbs up to sings that said Larry. He was grown up. One day after a show we had a conversation about it.
“I’m so proud of you, love” I said, while we were sitting on a couch relaxing after the show. “Are you? I think I am too… I’m not scared of them anymore, Lou. I used to spend nights without sleep, thinking about it. Thinking about my sister and the media and how it would affect us. I’d feel like I was about to die when I thought about our fans and how it would affect them. But not anymore. I’ve been checking it online, Lou. People are finally catching up. We’re gonna be fine. I’m gonna be fine cause I have you, little one. And we managed to love each other for so long, despite everything. I love you, my one and only.” He said approaching me and kissing me softly on the lips. “You’re out of this world, Hazz.” I replied.
When the tour ended we had about six months off. We needed it. The truth is playing almost two shows everyday is something that can take the life away from you. Even when you are with three of your best friends and the love of your life. I was looking forward to this. Finally going to the same flat we had a few years ago. People thought we lived apart but we didn’t. No one knew where we lived and our flat was perfect for the both of us. It was home.
I was already feeling nervous for talking to our parents. We gave ourselves a week off and then we started to call them. My mom was the only one who asked if the other boys were coming as well. It was kind of funny to hear. Harry’s parents loved it and they were all up for the challenge.
The day with his parents and sister went a little bit like this:
It was a beautiful Sunday. I woke up next to him, wrapped around his arms. He kissed me when he woke up and made some breakfast for us. He loved cooking for me. “How are you feeling?” I asked, while I ate a mountain of pancakes that pointed out Harry was nervous. “I’m ok. How are you feeling, beautiful?” He has grown up a lot but he would never stop being this guy who thought he had to be quite tough for me. “I’m great. I love your parents and your sister. They’re like family to me.” as soon as I said it, we both cracked and laughed. Of course they were like family, they were my family… even when they didn’t know it yet. The truth was we were both really nervous but I thought we could manage it. I didn’t realize how nervous Harry was until on the drive to their house, Harry stopped and threw up. Now I knew he was really, really nervous. “Hey, do you want to do this?” I asked, now I was worried about him. “Yeah, just give me a minute. I just want a minute” he said, laying his head back. I grabbed his hand and waited. When he got himself back together, we drove the rest of the way in silence. When we parked outside their house, Harry looked at me. “You´re going to be there all the way, right?” He asked, his eyes were watering and he was shivering a little bit. “I’m never leaving your side, Hazz. We’re in this together”. As soon as I left the car, I texted Liam. “We’re coming out to Harry’s family right now. Keep us in your thoughts”. He was my best friend. He knew everything we went through, he loved us. It mattered. It was one of the most important day of our lives. I didn’t hold his hand. Just to keep the surprise but as always, I had my eyes upon him and every single time he felt scared, he would look at me and search for a smile or just a look that would tell him that we were, in fact, in this together. It took a long while for him to say it. But when he finally said it, when he finally said he was gay, his mom started to cry and went straight to him and hugged him. “I know, honey. I’ve always known. And I’m so proud of you. You are an amazing human being and this will never ever change that. We’re both proud of you.” His stepfather stood up and hugged him along with his mom. I stood there, watching all of this in awe. I wondered if maybe my family would be as amazing as his. When she stopped hugging him, she came to me and thank me for supporting her son. I wasn’t sure she quite got it so I looked at Harry. “Oh, mom. Louie… he’s my… He’s the one I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with.” I absolutely loved the way that sounded. She looked a little bit surprised but she hugged me anyway. And his stepfather he kind of just shook my hand and called me “son”. I could live with that. it was actually kind of funny, yeah I liked it. Harry smiled at me and approached. “So, can we have a cup of tea?” He took my hand and try to wipe his face. “Sure” his mom smiled.
It was an amazing day and at the end, we were laughing on our way home wondering why in the word we were so worried about it. His sister couldn’t be there but she called him that night and screamed of excitement at the phone. Of course, she knew it a long time ago. Now we only had to face my family. We asked Harry’s mom not to say anything to anyone, we tried to explain we were famous people or whatever and that it didn’t work for us to come out to the public just yet. She agreed.
Now it was my turn.
It was a Saturday. I tried to look perfect that day. After I woke up I realize I would aslo try my best to play it cool and not look to nervous so Harry wouldn’t panic. I was sure those were the exact same thoughts Harry had when we were at his parents’ house. My mom and stepdad are literally the most clueless people in the world. Kind of like Liam but much, much worse so I was really nervous cause this might come as a surprise for them. Obviously I didn’t know what to say. Harry was sitting next to me. Looking at me, trying to let me know he was there for me. I started to feel all kinds of feelings in the world. I was freaking out. I didn’t know how to say it, I didn’t want to disappoint them. I started to feel like crying. I really didn’t want to but I was feeling helpless and scared and… “I know, son. We both do. You don’t really have to say it or anything. We know who you are. We raised you, remember?” My stepdad said. And my mom continued. “Yeah, we were just waiting for you to say it but you don’t have to. I mean, we know you guys care for each other and Harry, we both respect you so much. The only thing that is kind of weird is this whole media thing and we can talk about it but yeah, we know Lou.” I was in shock. I couldn’t believe they knew all along. I guess they aren’t as clueless as I thought they were. I was already crying, so I looked up to Harry. He smiled and I stood up and hugged my parents. “We can talk about this media shit all you want, mom”. My mom hugged Harry and of course my stepdad hugged him too. We spend the rest of the day trying to explain to them why we couldn’t come out to the public and all the things we had to do so the rumors would stop. Of course they never did but at least we tried. “Oh my God, boys that’s awful. I’m sure you can come out, whenever you want to and people will support you” My mom said, trying to understand all of the suffering and struggle we were facing every day. “So don’t believe anything you read about us on the papers!” Harry said, with that oh so beautiful smile.
That was about the day I came out to my parents. I couldn’t believe they knew all about it and on the way home we laughed and split the blame for the things we could no longer change.
HARRY POV
After we came out to our parents, everything went great. We both felt a lot more freedom, it wasn’t complete but for that moment we had to take whatever came our way. After a bunch of long talks, we decided we were going to wait a little bit for this coming out thing. It was hard, especially for me since I just wanted to break free but I understood Louis had some stuff to deal with. When he was at high school, he was bullied for being gay. The story was that he met this guy, the quarterback (Stereotype much) who was gay but wouldn’t admit it. Eventually, they had a secret relationship. This guy would get drunk most of the times but then Louis helped him to get sober. Then one day they had this party and they went together. Louis wasn’t a cool kid but everybody liked him since he was so fun to be around. They were at some room making out and someone came in. The thing is this person wasn’t a very nice human being and she told everybody at school. She even took pictures of them. It didn’t matter how much Louis begged her and how embarrassed the other guy was. She told everybody and this thing got so big that even the other guy’s parents found out. One day, he came to school with a black eye. He dropped the team and one day told Louis he was moving out of town. When Louis asked why, he said his parents thought it was the best for him. He even told Louis that his dad punched him. Louis was so scared and brokenhearted that he even thought about suicide. When this guy left, Louis was alone at a school where nobody liked him. They judged him and he became an outcast. Luckily, he managed to tell his parents that it was all made up and Louis was sure they believed him. Some kids would beat him up sometimes and would call him names. He just hurry on finishing high school and getting out of it. I know some of those people are still talking about him on Twitter. He really freaks out when he sees it and I always try to calm him down, letting him know that he’s not alone and that it will be over soon enough. Anyway, it’s the word of some high school nobodies against Modest! Management proof. There’s no way to go around it.
Like I said, Louis has some stuff to deal with now. I’m not on a rush to come out. We have to wait for the record deal to end. I’m happy he’s alive and that he knows I love him to the moon and back. That’s enough for me. He’s being talking to me about how hard it was on his past and most of the times I just listen to him and remind him that they can’t hurt him anymore. I really hope he believes me.
LOUIE POV.
The months that flowed me talking to Harry about my feelings and everything related to coming out in public were the hardest but now we weren’t the ones who were troubled. One of our bandmates were.
One day, after a show we had on the other side of the world I saw Zayn coming in with a bunch of papers on his hands. He asked us to be alone with him for a while. We were okay with it, we even joked about it. Harry and I were both out of the spotlight so we could just be ourselves around the lads and we were really happy about it. But something was off. I saw it on Zayn’s eyes. He looked mad and like he was about to burst into tears.
“Guys, we need to talk. I need to tell you something that absolutely breaks my heart” His eyes where watering at this point. “I’ve made a decision. It has nothing to do with you, guys. It’s all about me.” The first tear came across. I had no idea what this whole thing was about. I was scared to death.
“I’ve decided I’m leaving the band, I’ve had enough of this. I’m freaking out over here, I need to have a normal life. I need to go out and do shit without being photographed. I need to know that I’m not being part of the biggest bullshit I’ve ever seen. I need to… leave” Liam was crying, looking straight to the ground and so was Niall. I had no idea Zayn was feeling this way. I had absolutely no idea. And I knew that by “bullshit” he meant Harry and I not being able to come out as we wish and all the nonsense of all of our contracts that stated many, many things about our personal lives that had to be controlled. I didn’t even bother on looking at Harry until he spoke. He was mad.
“What are you talking about, Zayn? Quit? You’re gonna quit on us? That’s just selfish, man. Do you know how many times I wanted to quit?” He wasn’t crying, he was really mad. Holding the tears back. Zayn went through a hard time with rumors about his girlfriend but I knew that wasn’t it. He was leaving for some other reasons. “Do you know how many times Louie and I wanted to quit? Many times. And we never did because we thought about you. We are living a fucking lie because we thought about you, because we were on this together and we had each other’s back!” He stood up. I tried to grab him, beg him to stay but he didn’t listen. I’ve never seen him more disappointed in all this time. And I kind of understood where he was coming from.
“You know why I’m leaving, Harry. You out of the rest of the guys should know better! You’ve been suffocating here too with management and lies and bullshit! But you know what, harry?” Zayn stood up to face Harry. All of the others were just watching in discomfort with tears on our eyes and without knowing what the hell we were supposed to do. “Maybe, you and Louie and the rest of the boys can handle it better, maybe you’re stronger than me. But I know that if I stay here I’m going to end up becoming a person I can’t fucking be, okay?” He put both hands of his face and started crying like it was the first time he said it out loud. I looked at Harry, who was also crying, approaching him and hugged him. We joined the two of them and tried our best to calm them down.
We were shocked. We didn’t want him gone but the truth was it was better for him to go if he was really being that miserable. We had a bunch of scandals and stuff going around for months but most of us handle them pretty well, I mean Harry and I could live with beards and Liam and Niall could live with some people bashing about them online but I never noticed not for a single second that Zayn was not being healthy anymore, he was drinking and smoking. He was skinnier. He changed. And now he was leaving us.
“I’m so sorry, guys. I never wanted this. I thought we were living a dream but now this has become a freaking nightmare.” Liam looked at him, wet on his tears and tried to comfort him and tell him what we all thought at that moment. “We lived the dream, man. We all did. We made it, okay?” he said looking at Zayn like he was his little baby. “We made it all together, without any management or bullshit. We did it because we are amazing, man. You are amazing. And one day in fifty years we will be at some place, like Harry’s house, around a bonfire and laugh at how amazing this whole thing was. We had the best memories together and we will never stop supporting you and loving you…. And by that time we will all have wives and this morons will be married or whatever.” He said looking at Harry and I. “Don’t even worry about it. We still have your back.” This guy, Liam, he always got a smile out of us even in the weirdest day of our lives.
“I love you and I don’t want you to leave but if that’s what you have to do then… I’m supporting you” Harry said, “I’m sorry for not understanding you but I will really miss you and we… we cant be One Direction without you, man. We cant.” Harry was crying again. We all knew it was never going to be the same. We started as One Direction because we fit together, because we were all like family and got along really, really well. Without him, I had no idea what we were going to do.
When this moment ended, we all sat and discussed the less important or nice part of this situation. I was confused about how management was going to let him go, just like that.
“I have paid them so they will let me out of the contract. They haven’t been happy about me lately either so I guess it makes sense. First, they will announce I’m leaving the tour due to stress and then, they will announce me leaving the band.” This sounded just like management actually. They couldn’t care less about this boy, all they thought about was the money they could get out of him. “I’m worried about our fans but I know they will stick together for you and support you. You mean the world to them…” Zayn realized what he just said. And we all noticed. It was surreal. He was not going to be One Direction anymore. “We all mean the world to them, Zayn. You do too.” Niall said, holding his tears back.
The whole situation was unbelievable. We had no idea how to behave until modest, of course, gave us a list of things we were supposed to do… Like keep on going with the tour and not get into details in social media. I swear to God, this people really treat us like we were children and the truth is, they might be right on doing so. I wanted to hug Zayn, but mostly I wanted to hug every single fan out there who would be crushed on Zayn leaving us. They would feel as if he was leaving them too.
Those were the hardest weeks me and the lads ever had. Harry and I, we were leaning on each other but even we needed sometime alone with our own confusion and chaos. The day Zayn left, we all cried and promised to each other to keep contact. We were best friends, we always have been. We had worked our asses off for our band, for our dream. It was hard and sometimes you didn’t enjoy it as much as people might think, it finally got to one of us and he had to leave for his best.
I had no idea which implications this whole thing might have on 1D or even on Harry and I but I didn’t worry about it. Those words Liam said that day, stick to both my heart and soul. Even when everything went wrong, in fifty years we would laugh at it and remember it as the best times of our lives.
HARRY POV
Zayn leaving was definitely hard on all of us. I, myself, got caught up with one thought. What if we could’ve avoid it? What if all it took for my brother, for my friend to stay was for us to take a break or just go home for a while? What if I could’ve said something better, to make him feel stronger and appreciated? What if my homosexuality affected him too? What if our struggle, Louie and mine, was just too much for him? I couldn’t tell… none of us could. He seemed sad and confused, even when he left I had this feeling he wasn’t telling us the whole truth. But he was my brother, my mate and I had to believe him and support him.
We continued the tour without knowing if it was the right call. We were all really sad and confused about it, also we were really tired. I knew we were all feeling like maybe we should quit, maybe it was too much. But I knew, and I hate myself for saying it, that the money and power were too amazing for us to give up on it. We worked too damn hard for this, for the fame and the records to quit after five years.
Doubt started to grow inside of us. We knew that five more years of contract would mean Louie and I not having a normal life as a gay couple. Even if we came out, we wouldn’t be able to have this normal and quiet life that we dreamed about ever since we met each other... Also, five more years would be too much. In five years Louie would be 30 years old. There aren’t many boybands with 30 year old dudes. It was kind of creepy. So I guess we all started to think that maybe it was the end of the road for us. We were about to put out there our fifth album and it was the end of our record deal with Modest. We didn’t know if Modest! Wanted another contract with us but we surely had our doubts. I knew Louie thought the same thing even though he never said it until we had one day off and decided, as usual, to stay on our hotel and just relax a little bit because going out would mean to go separate ways and probably getting mobbed by fans and paparazzis.
Louie was a little distant that day, a little quiet. “Is everything okay, babe?” I asked, while he played with my hair and smiled.
“Yeah… I was just thinking about our band, you know?” He said, knowing I would ask back.
“What about it?”
He faced me, “I don’t want you to get all mad or whatever about this… but I was thinking maybe it’s time to just relax and go home, live like normal people. The other night I was thinking that if we sign another contract with modest or whatever, I will be like a million years old when its over. I’m not so sure it’s the right thing to do, you know? I mean, I love this. I love touring and playing shows and everything, but sometimes, just sometimes don’t you feel a little… over it?” He asked. I could tell he was scared of my answer. Maybe because I don’t go around with my heart on my sleeve and when I do, I don’t usually mean it to go that way. It’s not like I’m not honest or something, but all this time in this industry has made of me a much colder person. A person who doesn’t show he’s not happy going out with girls or kissing them. A person who doesn’t protest when an interviewer goes way too far or when you’re linked to every single person and have to laugh about it in every talk show.
“I have been thinking the same, actually. I know we will let some fans down and stuff but we got to do what makes us happy and if this is just not it then… maybe we should move on.” This thought even though we knew it was true, it was sad too… leaving my mates, not tour with them and everything scared me. Plus, we had to think about something else to do now. I mean, we had to have like a plan B or something. We had a lot of money but our lifestyle… well, its expensive as well. We had to plan something and realize that maybe our life as a band was over.
“What do you think Liam and Niall will think? Do you think they agree?” He asked. I thought about it. They were also really tired and this Zayn leaving situation was hard on all of us even when the time went by. We were tired, that was for sure. Maybe a break wasn’t going to be that bad, we sure needed it.
“I don’t know, love but I’m pretty sure they are tired just like us. Maybe we should talk with them about it?” I asked him.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea but how? Any ideas, curly boy?” I loved it when he called me like that. And he always smiled because he knew.
“They’re our friends so… just go there and talk to them. I don’t think we should make such a big deal.” I said. I was quite sure they would feel the same way as we did.
“Okay then. We’ll do it tomorrow after the show”.
There was one thing I never told Louie. Zayn, before he left, he said something that was completely true. I was drowning here too. Louie and I have been together for ages now so I wasn’t worried about him. I knew we would fight and be the best we could be together. We truly, fear free and amazingly loved each other. We would be fine. I was worried about myself. I was drowning being someone I wasn’t. I have to say I loved the life style, the fame but somehow this began to feel like a little bit too much. I wanted a normal life, just like Zayn did. I wanted more than this. I wanted to get this out and be fine, with Louie and with myself.
After the show we were all sitting on our dressing room, being as silly and fun as we always were.
“Hey guys, can we talk about something serious now?” Louie asked. The guys looked at him. They surely didn’t like to hear those words again.
“Is everything okay, Louie?” Niall asked. All of the sudden the entire room was silent.
“Yeah, I mean I wanted to know your opinion about something…” Louie sat straight and changed his beautiful smile.
“What is this about?” Liam said. I noticed he might be a little upset.
“We wanted to know what the future for our bands are, I mean what you think about it.” I said, I wondered if I phrase it quite the right way.
“Oh my God, Harry. We don’t want to talk about business and job now. We want to have a good time and relax. Maybe tomorrow?” Liam responded and Niall agreed. Louie and I looked at each other.
“Tomorrow we will be on another city and by this time we will be just as tired as we are now.” I argued. “Come on, Liam. Its important for us”.
“Who exactly is ‘us’, Harry?” He was going to fight me… it was unbelievable.
“Okay, Harry. Let’s not argue now. We can talk about it some other time.” Louie said. Please, don’t get me wrong I loved him with all my heart but I hated when he didn’t spoke up for himself, when he just let it go or whatever. Liam was being a complete ass hole with us and we did nothing wrong. We just wanted to talk to him.
“No, Louie. I have no idea whats wrong with you, Liam. We just want to chat!” I said, trying to make him understand. He stood up and as soon as he did, I noticed he had a bottle of whiskey next to him and when he approached I could smell his alcohol breath. I was tempted to think why the hell he was wasted after a show but I passed it on. I didn’t like the conclusions I might get from it.
“Oh, really Harry? Now? Fine, lets have a chat about how this is just falling apart. You wanna know how I feel about this? I think we’re coming to the end of it. Finally, I suppose. Now I wont feel caged and I love it because you and your faggot friend…” I couldn’t let him go on and hurt me like that. I was blinded by my rage and punch him in the face. The other boys stood up and tried to stop me from hitting him further. I was out of my mind on anger. Liam was lying on the floor, holding his nose. Niall was with him, I regret it as soon as I realized what I did. Louie grab me from the back and forced me to leave. He got me in other room and closed the door behind me.
He looked at me and saw my bruised fist. He came up to me and started to make sure I was fine. “That’s the way to go when you want to know how our band is going… Hit one of them in the face” He said without even looking at me.
“I couldn’t… I’m sorry, Louie. But I couldn’t stay there and hear this drunk fuck saying that shit to us. I know you hate it…” I noticed he was shaking a little bit. He hated violence like that. The only time violence was acceptable for him was on the soccer field.
“Don’t worry about it. He was drunk, I really didn’t realize until he stood up and by then it was too late for us to do anything.” He wasn’t calm, he was sad and worried about my stupid hand but still he didn’t want to upset me even more. “It’s going to hurt for a couple of weeks but you’ll be ok. And Liam will have to wear tons of makeup.” He tried to smile and failed. He was trying way too hard.
“I’m really, really sorry. I know this was important to you, to talk with the guys about our band and what we truly wanted and I just got carried away… I’m sorry.” I said trying to make him understand that I was feeling really bad for screwing it up for him.
“Don’t worry, little one” He said, touching my face. “it wasn’t the night. Liam was not himself and there was nothing we could do about it.” He was looking at the ground now, replaying everything on his mind all over again. “He surely doesn’t look happy either… He wasn’t a drinker, remember? What the hell is going on with him…” My little one, my beloved one was right. He never drank. It was weird that he was now drinking out of nowhere and even worse, getting wasted and spreading BS with us… “Anyway, I’m sure we’ll find out whats going on tomorrow…” We hugged each other and just when I was about to kiss him (just because) our manager opened the door.
“Guys, I’ve been searching for you…” He said trying to ignore what he saw. “We have a situation and it’d be great you help us out.” He closed the door behind him and approached us. We took, once again, our defensive mood. And our only communication was looking at each other. Of course our manager knew but he wasn’t comfortable with it. “We need to take a plane in a couple of hours and Liam is, to say the least, wasted. Oh and also, he seems to have something different on his face… like someone just broke his nose, punched the crap out of him or something. Do you have any idea what happened?” Of course he was being sarcastic and of course he was trying to teach us some kind of lesson.
“We were talking and things got a little out of hand. We don’t even know why he’s drinking on the first place.” Louie said, trying to calm things down a little bit but almost instantly our manager looked at my hand.
“Oh, I see. You know what? We should all be goddamn thankful Harry doesn’t play any instruments because if he did, we would be screwed. Right? Well, I guess we also need a doctor. Dammit boys, why can’t you keep out of trouble?” He said, while walking towards the door. Just before he closed the door, he looked at us and did something like a smile and locked the door before he closed it. His very kind way to keep his ass out of trouble.
We looked at each other and tried to laugh even when that night was a very hard one for both of us. We were really scared and mad, this was a really complicated situation but we tried to deal with it on the best way we could.
“I guess you’ll survive then, Hazz” He smiled at me.
“I will, love. I will be fine. But now I guess we should take care of this whole band thing. We’ve got some shows to do and we don’t want to go out of our separate ways until we finish the tour. We have plenty of time to talk with the boys, until then we should just try our best to find our plan B and just enjoy the time we have left.”
“At least we both know we will always have each other… and when we’re fifty we will laugh our asses off about the day you almost broke Liam’s nose.”
“Almost?” I said, and he laughed.
LOUIE POV.
For some reason, the time didn’t come for us to talk to our band about our feelings about our future. I was already really, really tired. Harry and I knew we wouldn’t be able to leave until we finished our tour but I wanted to discuss it with the lads and then with management.
Harry and Liam didn’t speak to each other for a while. People made a bunch of rumors that weren’t too far away from the truth about why Harry had his hand all bruised and Liam has his nose messed up. One day I talked to Harry about it because I surely didn’t like them to be mad with each other. The ambirement was already messy and now that Harry and Liam didn’t talk to each other things got worse.
“Hey, love.” Harry was lying down at his hotel room. I could see he was really tired but again we all were.
“Louie… come here, I want to cuddle.” He told me, grabbing my hand.
“Are you okay? Is your hand hurting?” I asked him while I lay in his chest.
“I’m fine. I’m just tired. I had some sleep but for some reason I’m still tired. And my hand is hurting a little bit but not too much… How’s Liam?” He asked me… I was surprised he was actually asking about him. We didn’t talk about him at all in the last couple of days.
“Oh, he’s fine, babe. He’s face is starting to look kind of normal…” He laughed.
“I feel actually horrible for doing that to him. I really didn’t want to punch him but… yeah”. He said, touching my arm and making me feel butterflies again.
“Hey, why don’t you talk to him? I mean, he doesn’t look mad anymore. I’m sure he wants to apologize or something. I can talk to him first and then you can talk with him. Just so we can clear the air and talk about what we want to do from now on, you know?” I said, trying to sound as convincing as I wanted to.
He gave a long thought to it. We didn’t want to go through the same again. We just wanted to talk to them but now it seemed we were tired all the time and just done with it.
“Maybe I should just come up to him and apologize…. And we’ll go from there. I wanna do it, babe. Is it ok?” He asked, while put his face in front of mine so we could both enjoy the look on each other’s eyes.
“I think that’s a fantastic idea, Hazz.” I responded, while I touched his face again. This things, this moments never got old with him. Sometimes I still could see the 16 year old I fell in love with. He smiled at me, once again. And approached my lips and kissed them.
“I love you, Louis Tomlinson. You’re amazing.” He was tired but not enough to kiss me with all his heart and soul. He looked at my eyes and the dimples in his cheeks made me remember a thousand of times I saw those dimples and wished I could do what we were doing now. He took off his shirt and mine and kissed me. Once again, this was the moment for physical, spiritual and any other kind of love between us. It just made me realize I loved him beyond this world.
After we finished, we fell sleep naked and tangled. It was the best feeling ever.
A couple of days later, we were chilling. We woke up together, like we did almost everyday for about five years now.
He got up and got dressed. “I’m going to see Liam now. I’ll be back before you notice” He said.
“You’ll do great, lovely. Just be honest and don’t be scared…” I tried to give him some kind of advice.
“Sleep some more and dream about me... I love you, Louis.” He kissed me on the forehead and before he closed the door, looked at me and smiled. I feel in love with his dimples again.
HARRY POV.
As soon as I closed the door behind me and left Louie there, I started to feel nervous. I knew Liam had to be mad at me and I was mad at him too. I really wanted to know what the hell was going through his mind when he said something like that in front of Louie and me. It was so not like him.
I knock at the door twice and waited. I heard Liam’s voice and when he opened the door, I saw him being surprised.
“Hey, Harry… what are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Now that sounded a lot like him. His nose was still swollen and I couldn’t help it but to feel a little guilty about it.
“Hey… Yeah, everything is fine. Can we talk?” I was avoiding looking at his face. I was just playing with my hands and praying he would be on the mood to talk.
“Of course, come in…” He was sleeping alone. His room was a mess like it always has been. He sat on the bed and I sat on the couch.
“So… I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for the nose part and I really don’t want to be like this with you. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world and I don’t want to feel this way about you. So I’m sorry…” I said, trying to look at him even when I failed.
“Harry, you did exactly what I would’ve. I was really out of place and I was having a bit of… a hard time. I actually don’t know what you’re doing here because you should be mad at me. I know how hard its been for Louie and you. I know you’re both tired of hiding, I know how hard its been to be the two gay men on the band. I haven’t approached any of you because I just don’t know what to say. I know I hurt you and I don’t wanted to…” His eyes were watering. I could see his hands shaking.
“Its okay, Liam. I just need to know what the hell is going on? Why were you drinking? Please, I don’t want you to fall into some kind of shitty addiction. I don’t want to lose you, okay? Just tell me whats going on!” I almost begged. I couldn’t stand him knowing he was hurting.
“Harry, I’m freaking out. I think this is over. One Direction is over. Zayn left and I know it’s been on your mind that if we sign for another five years, we will be older and it probably wont work for our target are young girls. And I bet you had enough with hiding. I bet you and Louie want to start a life together and you wont be able to do so unless you’re no longer on a boyband. But this is my life, Harry. This has been my life for years and I’m terrified of the future. And of course I want to start a life, like a real life with my girlfriend but still. What am I going to do if we leave this band? This was my dream and its about to end and that’s making me miserable.” He was now looking down, pouring his heart out for me. I knew he felt this way but hearing him talking about it was a whole new level. Now it was finally real. He felt the same way as Louie and I felt about this band.
“Have you talked about this with Niall?” I asked, trying to make a conversation out of this.
“Yeah… He feels the same way. We’re all over it. Plus, we cant wait for you and Louie to be happy. I think that’s part of the reason Zayn left on the first place.” He said. I was surprised. I had no idea even when I knew he wasn’t telling us the whole truth.
“What do you mean about Zayn leaving because of us?” I asked, without hiding my evident surprise.
“Harry, we all know this lie you’ve been living had taken a piece of you. We know how hard its been for Louie and you to keep on going even when you’re ‘dating’ girls and even him having a long term ‘relationship’. We all admire you for your amazing strength but we want you to be happy and we couldn’t deal with the fact that you were doing this whole act for our band and for music.” I surely didn’t enjoy how he kept saying ‘we’ instead of me or Zayn or whatever. I stared to feel a little bit uconfortable with where this was going. “And one day I talked to Zayn and Niall and we all agreed that you were both suffering too much for this. Zayn said he was done with it, that he was ready to go. Harry, he wasn’t happy anymore and he was getting unhealthy. So I just told him to go, if that would make him feel a little better and finally get his life back. And we knew that if Zayn left it would be the beginning of the end for us. I just didn’t think it would affect me this much.” He concluded. I had a million of thoughts going around my head. It was all planned, from the beginning when Zayn left.
“What are we doing, Liam?” My thoughts got me and I was about to cry.
“We’re letting you free, Harry. We are realizing in life nothing stays the same for too long. We are realizing we all deserve much more than a life in which we have no control at all… I’m sorry for being wasted that day but I was dealing with this on my own way and I promise you it wont happen again. It was stupid…” Liam was being honest with me. I could tell. But I didn’t get over the fact it was all planned by them.
“This was our dream, Liam. Why are we now walking away from it?” I asked, while I put both my hands on my face.
“Because if you stay for too long on a dream, it becomes a nightmare. I don’t want to be on a nightmare with my best friends. I don’t want to. And neither do you or Louie.” Liam was sure about what he was saying.
“So whats going to happen from now on?” I asked, just because apparently he knew everything.
“We’ll finish this tour and have our fifth and last album out. And we will enjoy every show and every step of the way because its our last tour and last album. We’ll have fun and in the mid time, Zayn will do his stuff and so will we.” I wasn’t too sure about what he meant by that.
“Zayn is going to take his own album or something?” I know it wasn’t supposed to feel like it but it surely felt like he was betraying us.
“I don’t know, Harry. But if he does it will be because that’s what makes him happy and us like his friends should be happy for him as well.”
I know he was right but it was really, really hard to accept we wouldn’t be a band anymore. It was hard to even think about when Louie said it but now it was more and more real every time.
“Do you think we can talk now with the rest of the guys?” I asked.
“I’m sure Louie already knows it and Niall, he knows.” Liam replied. “But I think it’s a good idea to do it like when we were younger. Like friends and no more hiding”. He said.
“Let’s do it then.” I said, standing up and dialing Louie. Liam called Niall and we all got together and talked, finally talked about our feelings and how we all felt about each other and the journey we took together.
We all agreed that maybe it was our time to go, to have a normal life, to have our own record label or whatever the hell we wanted to do.
While Niall talked about his desires for his life, I looked around and realized I was so glad I had this people in my life. I was really glad because I met Louie, I fell in love with him and loved him. I met Liam and trusted him. At the end of the day we all had each other’s back, to the point we would always fight to love each other and respect each other.
And our fans, they have always been there… even when they knew Louie and I were gay, they never back down. This last months had been the hardest for them with Zayn leaving and all the rumors. They were strong, they supported each other and that was all that really mattered.
After this long talk finished, we decided to hang out and just be with each other. We needed this, we needed to feel like we were friends and not just partners again.
And Louie and I felt really cared for with our friends even when we were a little different. We were really, really happy.
LOUIE POV.
The tour ended and the time for the big announcement came across. We had our time to grief, our time to be mad, our time to split the blame and our time to be happy it happened to us, we had the time of our lives together.
We decided we would do something special on our last concert of the tour. We were excited, we knew our fans would be sad but it was time for us and we were sure they would understand.
We were going to do this big mashup of all our songs, since what makes you beautiful. It was going to be fun. Harry and I weren’t trying to hide it anymore so we would sing songs to each other and everything. At the end of the concert, we all hold hands and said it: “I am Niall, I am Harry, I am Louie, I am Liam…” and all of the sudden in the big screen Zayn’s face was on facetime. All the fans screamed. “And I am Zayn. And we were One Direction” we hugged, our fans were all crying but they didn’t look upset. “Thank you so much for being our fans, guys. We love you. We wanted you to be the first one to know. We are all fine and just want to keep on going to new things. We had the time of our lives thanks to you!” Harry said. People started to look at Harry and I screaming “Larry” and things like that. Which mostly made us laugh and nod a couple times. We finished with Best song ever and that was it. Of course, it was sad but also it was amazing. We had our last group hug and from now on we knew that we would only get our album out as a thank you to our fans and that was it. A huge part of our lives gone.
If somebody asks why we didn’t come out that night, it’s because we wanted to drop one bomb at the time. Mostly for our fans. Even when we were quite explicit that night. During our evolution, we realized we wanted them to know. Maybe not officially but we wanted them to know. And they did.
The following months were all about us saying goodbye. We had interviews and awards. Some ‘fans’ spreading hate and some fans being supportive. Some people assuring we were quitting the band because Liam was on drugs and Niall probably wanted to be an Irish president and of course Harry wanted to marry some super model and I wanted to make my own record label bigger. They were clueless. We agreed with the lads that we would see each other at least once a month and that we would talk to each other and not lose contact. After all the memories we shared it was nearly impossible to lose contact and lose that bond.
I couldn’t say how excited I was for being able to live with Harry now. Go to London or somewhere smaller and just buy a house and have a normal life. We would never ever leave the industry, that was for sure and it wasn’t even our choice. We would always be remembered as the biggest boyband ever.
A couple of months after we split, Harry and I sold our flat and bought a pretty house in the country instead. We made headlines after some paparazzis saw us getting into this old car, pack our bags and move out. Of course people were talking but we were so over it.
We would occasionally get calls from people in the industry inviting us to their parties and asking us to do a song with one of them, but we didn’t want to so we just said no every time. Sometimes we would go to London and see our friends, we would fly to America and visit Liam who was now living there with Sofia or visit Zayn who was now working on his solo career. But we had a nice taste on what an artist, a star lifestyle was and we were now loving our lives together. There was just one thing that needed to be done to close this chapter of our lives forever.
We knew we could call for a press conference as two people who were really important in the industry once but we wanted to do it the old way. Social media was a wonder of our days that made it quite easier for us to tweet something and have everbody knowing about it.
“I’m so glad we’re doing this now…” Harry said while typing the words on my phone. “What do you think they’ll say?” He asked me while laying his head on my lap.
“I don’t know love. Maybe they’ll be glad or maybe they’ll be like whatever, you know?” I laughed, we were sitting on our living room, with an unopened bottle of wine that Harry bought years ago when we were touring for this moment. It surpised me that he kept it for that long.
“well, it’s time.” He said, looking at me. “Are you ready, Lou?” He had this excitement tone on his voice.
“I’m ready, love. Lets do it!” I said.
He pressed the screen and tweeted something like this: After all this years @Louis_Tominlson and I have decided to make a great, great announcement: WE ARE IN LOVE! Thank you for all the fans who supported us during One Direction and every day since. We miss you and love you dearly. As always, all the love, H&L.
I replied with a humor note: “@Harry_Styles for people who r still wondering, we are gay. Just clearing that up. Always in my heart, babe. X”
As soon as we tweeted it, many people we knew called us. Including of course Liam and the rest of the guys. Our families and friends who had no idea. We made the headlines once and for all, the paparazzis followed us trying to get the first pic of him and I holding hands. I got to say we made it easy for them. One day, we went to LA to visit some friends and as soon as we got out of the car, paparazzis started to flash us. We stood there, holding hands and let them take all the HD, different possess and everything photographs. Finally the day I’ve been dreaming about came to pass. I was there, with the man of my life holding his hand and making fun of every single person who told us we were wrong for being a little different. Nothing could ever compare to that.
HARRY POV.
After we came out, everything went great. I mean, we both thought it would be awkward. I’ve been afraid of that very moment ever since I realized I was gay. But now it seemed just right. Louie was there with me, we were on this house by the river that we always dreamt of and life was amazing. I knew I made the best out of my life and we still had a long way to go. One day, on the sunset, our next challenge came to us.
We were sitting on our garden watching another day going by. It was beautiful there so we would take a couple of glasses and a bottle of wine and talk until it was dark.
Louie was holding my hand, playing like always with my hair. He still loved it. Even after all this years.
“Harry, I want to take the next step. I think we’re ready and there’s only one thing missing on our life.” He said, while the amazing sun touched his face and his eyes. “I want to hear some kids jumping up and down and I want them to find their dreams and fight for them. I want them to fall in love and be just like you. I want them to have a life, like we did.”
I thought about it millions of times too. But it was scary. I mean, I didn’t want to think about all the paperwork and the money –which to be honest, have never been a problem for us- but I wanted it too. I wanted a couple of kids to be here with us. I wanted them to know all we fought and everything we did.
I laughed and brought him closer to me. “How many, love?” I asked him. getting all amused at the thought of us dreaming again together.
“I was thinking of two. A girl and a boy. I haven’t thought of a name though and I have no idea how it works for people like us.” We were still famous people so nothing really worried me. I knew we would find a way.
“And how do you want to have them, Lou? Do you want to adopt or…?” I could almost know he was going to say he wanted to adopt. On our long gone One Direction time, Louie and I went to Ghana with the rest of the lads and we saw how hard life was for them. I remember a night, when we were still there and we just went to a hospital filled with little kids who wouldn’t even survive, Louie was really upset about it and he said to me that he would love help them, to maybe take them home with us. Of course, back then when we were just kids it sounded like wishful thinking but now, we could definitely make it.
“I want to adopt, Hazz. I don’t know if you’re up for the challenge but I want to do it. We could take some time off –we were both working on writing songs and producing at the moment- and just go to a country and adopt a couple of babies. Don’t you think?” He asked. I could see on his eyes this amazement. He was really excited.
“Oh my God, Lou. I think we just found ourselves a new adventure”
LOUIE POV.
A couple of weeks after our talk about children, we got into a plane and went to Ghana. A place we’ve been before on one of our trips as One Direction but this time we had different reasons for going. This time we went with a couple of people who knew us very well. And who would support us unconditionally. Liam and Zayn came with us. Niall couldn’t do it but he said he would support us on the distance. We were so happy they were coming with us, the day we told them we were going to adopt, they both almost died of happiness. It was the perfect reunion of a bunch of friends. Harry and I were over the moon with this trip. We had, of course, to have a million of papers ready before we got on the plane. We were going to meet people, meet possible parents who wanted to give up their children on adoption. I knew it couldn’t be easy for them so we packed a bunch of things we thought would help them with their lives. Like a really bad “thank you” for them. The agency of adoptions even sent us some pictures of the possible parents of our babies. We had a shot to stay home and wait until they call us with a baby ready but we wanted to meet them personally and thank them.
When we got there I realized everything was just as I remembered. People were hungry, people were hurting and we, on the other side of the world, lived such a different life than them.
We got to the place we were going to stay. Of course, we didn’t ask or want a nice hotel room with a decent view. We slept on normal houses, with normal beds and normal everything. To be honest, for me and Harry our memories of seven stars hotels and luxury was gone. We liked our life simple. We loved everywhere as long as we were together, as long as we had each other and we felt fine. The first night we nearly slept. It was the first time we slept together in a really long time so we joked around and laughed. Of course, it came a time when we had to talk about something serious. When it was a couple of hours away from sunrise.
“Who would’ve thought we would be here almost three years after 1D. its unbelievable. Everything has changed. You, ass holes, will makes us uncles. And you’re finally living the life you want to live. I’m so happy for you…” Liam said. He was lying next to us on this huge bed we made. It was funny that they were so sure that Harry and I were in love with each other that they didn’t mind to sleep with two gay man. I totally loved how they didn’t change their way to treat us. They would be with us like they were with anyone else. I would never tell but it meant the world to me.
“I know, right? You will be some amazing parents! And I will be the awkward uncle who buys them candy and gets them their first tattoo.” Zayn laughed. I had no doubt he would do that.
“And I can be the nice uncle who teaches them to behave and be nice human beings.” We all laughed. Listening to them talking about our children, made my belly feel funny.
“Yeah, we can do that together, Zayn. I’m so sure Lou won’t. He’s a lot more like the calm parent who likes to teach them well.” Harry replied.
For a minute, we were all quiet just picturing everything we just said. We were all truly excited. Almost like this whole adoption situation was a thing of all of us and not just Harry and I. it almost felt like the old times again. We were together on this new adventure.
“it’s in moments like this when I realize we made the right call about our past, don’t you think? If we kept on going with 1D and all of that, we would be now like two years away from finishing our five year contract… And we wouldn’t be here, about to meet the parents of two babies who need us…” I said, thinking about our past mistakes and lives.
“Agreed. But do you have any regrets at all?” Liam asked.
“I wish I would’ve stopped as soon as I realized I wasn’t being happy anymore.” Zayn said. “I wish I would’ve had more courage to just say no when I meant it and be myself all the time.”
“I would’ve liked to enjoy it a little bit more, you know? Don’t see it as a job and see it more like a passion. It’s like in some point it became a job more than me having fun with my friends. I wish I would’ve had more genuine fun, like this.” Liam replied.
“Well, I would’ve liked to say fuck off to modest when they told me it was wrong to be gay. And I wished I kissed Louie more and I wish I could rewind and not fight with any of you and not get mad. And I always wanted a front picture of Louie and I, in People or Times, saying we were in a boy band and we were gay and we didn’t give a fuck. That would’ve been so nice.” Harry said, looking at the sealing. Of course he didn’t see me staring at him in awe.
“I wished I could’ve come out without any fear and not buy their lies. Also, I hated dancing at every show” We all laughed. “Oh, and I would’ve liked to keep on going with the Journals and be stupid and talk about carrots and birds called Kevin. I really wished we could all just say fuck off to Modest when they said we shouldn’t make Journals anymore. Like I wished we had more control over that stuff.” I said.
We stopped talking and thought about it. We had a dream and got there but we all knew there were so many things we wished we could do again, start over again and make things right.
“Whatever happened, guys, I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Thank you for being here for us. This truly means the world to us.” Harry said.
“Don’t get sentimental, Harry. Get a life or whatever!” Zayn said while laughing.
“Fine! Let’s go to sleep. I can see the sun coming up and I want to sleep a couple of hours until we start to melt by the sun.” Harry replied and turned around, he made me hug him, kissed me on the cheek and we fell sleep. We had a long day ahead.
We, finally, got into the adoption agency In which they asked Harry and I all sorts of questions. They explained the process to us. How we would meet people who wanted to give their children away. If you ask me, that was the hardest part. We were kind of famous or whatever but it was still hard to have mothers crying on you, trying to let you take their kids so they would have a better life with us. When we came as 1D, they knew we were important people but now when there wasn’t any cameras or anything, we were just normal people for this mothers. They just wanted their kids to be happy. It broke my heart.
On our first week, the agency took us to different villages so we could visit different adoption centers. We listened to different heart breaking stories about mothers who just wanted to get their kids out of the war, the hunger and need.
It was heartbreaking. I really wished I could take all of them home, away from all of that but we couldn’t obviously.
What I enjoyed the most was being there and also realizing the improvement from years ago when we came as 1D. thing weren’t perfect, but there was something better…
At some point, we met this mother. She was only 15 years old. Her story was a very tough one to hear. She escaped war and walked from one city to another, while being pregnant, and ended up on this refugee camp. She told us, through our translating person, that she kept on going because of her baby. She later found out about the adoption agency and decided to give her baby up and let her son or daughter escape her reality. Later on, she was told that she would have twins. She was over the moon when she heard those news and now she was really happy to meet us. While she was talking, I realized Harry was umcomfortable. I thought it was nothing until he step outside. I apologized and left Zayn and Liam with her and the rest of the crew.
“Hazz, is everything ok?” I asked him. I looked at his face and realize he was about to cry.
“No, Lou. Everything is not fine. I hate it so much when you ask me that question…” He said, trying to keep it down even though he failed.
“Oh, love. Come here, talk to me. Whats wrong?” I hugged him and tried to clean his face.
“I’m sorry I’m always an emotional mess” He said. I smiled at the fact that he was always the emotional one. At least most of the time. “But coming here always gets to me. I want to help her, you know? But I don’t want to make her feel like we’re forcing her, plus she must be going through hell right now. I just wish there was more we could do.” Harry said, while breathing heavily.
“Hey, if you want to we can come back tomorrow… I mean if this is too much for one day, its okey Love. Just tell me, what you want to do?” I asked, knowing that it had been a really long day seeing all of the miserable and sad parts of human kind.
“No, I want to help her. I want to take her babies and give them this amazing life. I want to make her feel better. I just don’t know how.” I was impressed about how he was talking. He really had this huge heart, he just didn’t like to admit it much.
“Okay, relax. We’re definitely not going to help her by freaking out on her. Lets talk to the agency and maybe she will pick us and we will get to let her know that her babies will have the best life and that we will take good care of them… Just don’t fall apart on me now, okay little one?” I asked him. Making him feel loved by me every step of the way.
“Okay, Lou. Just give me a minute to get myself together. I’ll be right back. You go inside now.” He said. Walking away from me just a few steps forward.
I got in, she was talking with Liam and Zayn. For some reason, they looked like they became best friends. She was laughing with both of them and apparently from what I was listening to, they were talking about us. When they saw me, they went silent like kids who just eat their mom’s cookies. It was fun. I approached the agent and asked to talk to her. She was a nice person, who was helping us with all the adoption process.
“I want to know what comes next. Like, if we want her to be the one… what’s the next step?” I asked her, being really scared but trying my best to breathe.
“Well, I’m gonna talk to her and she will have to pick you. Then, we will know if she wants to have you there when she gives birth and all of that. But if you had enough, like if you know you want her to help you out then we can go back to the agency and we will talk to her.” She said, while looking at some papers she had on her hands. At that moment, Harry stepped inside this house we were at and approached me after giving our baby’s mom and Liam and Zayn a beautiful smile.
He came to me, and held my hand. “Yeah, we’re sure this is what we want.” I told her.
“Ok, then. Let’s say goodbye and go back to the agency.” She approached this girl and told her, on her language, that we were leaving now. She tried her best to stand up and hugged Harry and I. “Thank you” she said. Apparently, the only two words she knew of English.
HARRY POV.
After the day we met loads of potential mothers for our babies and we finally found one girl who really liked us and we liked her back, Lou and I stay up all night, just talking and freaking up about everything we saw that day.
“Do you imagine it, Lou? Going through everything she went through and still be strong enough to carry a pregnancy? Its unbelievable.” I told him, looking at the sealing.
“No, I cant. But I think that’s the reason why I like her. Her babies are going to be so strong. They will know their mom gave her everything to keep them save and that included giving them up so they would have a better life…” Louie said, looking at the full moon outside.
“Do you feel like she’s the one? Like, she’s the mother of our children?” I asked him, turning around to face him and lay my head on his chest.
“I do. We only knew her today but her story… it’s like she was my hero, you know? Like she could do anything and change everything just by fighting.” He said, forcing me to look at him straight in the eye.
“We’re going to be parents, Lou. We’re going to have two little people walking around our house, messing everything up and learning from us.” I told him, I could feel my face shinning from the moonlight and my heart racing for the fact that we would be, in fact, parents.
“Our life will be complete, forever. I cant wait, Hazz. I cant wait to have them. I hope she’s okay right now.” He said, I could see myself in his eyes.
“I hope she chooses us. I think we made a pretty good impression, don’t you think?” I asked him.
“Yes. I’m pretty sure she will choose us.” He told me, playing once again with my long and curly hair. “I’m so glad we made it this far, Hazz. Im so glad we never gave up. Im so glad you still love me and I still love you. I’m so glad we were strong enough. I couldn’t imagine a different life for myself.” His eyes were watering. But this time I knew it was of joy.
“I couldn’t imagine a life without you, Lou. And now everything is just falling in the right place. I love you so, so much.” I kissed him and felt a tear falling on my face. “I’m so glad to have you crying finally for joy, Lou. I’ve been waiting for it for so long.” I smiled and he apologized like he always did.
A few days later, we went back to the agency. They had some great news for us. She picked us! We were so happy, Zayn and Liam were there and they were just as happy as we were. After that, we filled all the paperwork that seemed infinite and made all the arrangments we needed to do.
“The babies will be coming in about two months and a half so you’ll have to stay until then. One of this days we can go with her to an eco and you will see your babies for the first time! Congratulations, guys!” Our adoption agent said. She was so happy too. We had been there for so little time but we got along really, really well.
Lou and I were so happy, knowing that we would be able to help her and give her kids a better chance. We were over the moon. All we had to do was visit her and thank her, we would also get to know her better until she gave birth and we could take this two tiny little beautiful babies home.
The one thing that really worried me was the time. Lou and I could definitely stay that long but what about Liam and Zayn. Over dinner, we talked with them about it.
“Hey, so how excited are you guys? Can you even imagine it? You’ll be parents!” Zayn said, smiling at us.
“I cant imagine them being parents but sure! Its great!” Liam replied, laghing his ass off. “I’m kidding. You will be awesome parents! And also we will be awesome uncles!”
“Guys, we wanted to ask you something. You know it means the absolute world you guys being here with us but we’ll have to stay here for almost three months. We don’t mind if you have to come back home…” I said, holding Louis’ hand.
“Are you kidding? We came here together and i’m not leaving until I see my two little pancakes! We’ll finish this adventure together!” Zayn replied. The fact that he said it, meant the world to us.
“Yeah! We wouldn’t leave you at a time like this… this is so exciting.” Liam said, trying to swallow a part of a dinner he wasn’t enjoying at all. He couldn’t get to the way Ghana’s food tasted.
“Thank you, guys. This really means the world to us… but I guess we will have to find some other food for Liam, right?” Lou said, laughing at Liam for hating this food. It wasn’t all that bad but he was a little bit special.
LOUIE POV
About a week after we met our babies’ mom, we had a call in the middle of the night from our agent. As soon as I saw her name on my phone, I freaked out. “Something’s wrong” I whisper. I tried my best not to wake Harry but I failed. I could barely hold it together.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Louis. Its me. I’m sorry for calling late but there’s a problem with the babies. She’s in labor. She’s at the hospital. Do you think you can come over?” Our agent asked me, I realized she was crying and felt a huge nod on my voice. I felt my heart stopping in my chest.
“Of course, we’ll be right there.”
Harry was already awake and asked me what was happening. The boys woke up too.
“We need to get to the hospital. The babies are coming.” I said, while I stood up.
“What?! Its not time yet. What do you mean by they’re coming?” Harry asked, he was starting to panic too.
“She’s in labor. We need to get there now. Lets go.” I said, I approached Harry and gave him a quick hug. I knew we both needed it. I grab a jacket for both of us and held his hand. I wished I could’ve been a little calmer so Harry wouldn’t freak out but I couldn’t. The boys were also really worried so they just followed us.
I woke up the people who were coming with us. The driver who was originally from Ghana so he knew his way around. And we all got into the car with our hearts on our throats and feeling like throwing up. I sat next to Harry and kept holding his hand. The whole way to the hospital, we were all really quiet wondering what we were going to find there. That was the first time I realized you can care about someone you have never met and love someone you had only knew for a couple of weeks.
As soon as we got into the hospital, the agent came to us. She was waiting.
“How is she?” Harry asked.
“I don’t know, Harry. She got into labor when she was alone, she was bleeding really bad and as you know, the babies will be premature. They are trying to save her.” She said. When I heard those words I felt like fainting. They were trying to save her. I lean to Harry and cried, he held me and the lads tried to comfort us.
“What about the babies?” Harry asked her.
“I don’t know. The doctors told us they would let us know. She was really worry about the babies and about you.” She walked away and brought some coffee for us. It was going to be a really, really long night.
I couldn’t sleep at all. None of us could. I couldn’t stop thinking about her being scared and alone when the pain began. I felt horrible at the fact that she felt she was letting us down. We all looked as if we were about to burst into tears but we had to be strong for each other.
I remember, at some point, calling my mom from a payphone. As soon as she picked up, I told her it was bad news, I told her the babies were coming but they were premature and their mom was really sick. We both cried and she told me she would pray for us. She asked me to hug her on her behalf and asked me to comfort Harry.
“It’s going to be fine, Louis. Please, stay strong for her.” She told me, before she hang up the phone.
It was almost sunrise when the doctor came to us. I surely didn’t like the look upon his face. He went straight to the agent, who was sitting beside us. She introduced us as the parents for her babies.
He looked at his hands and started to talk.
“The babies are fine. They are really premature and chances are we might have to transfer them to another city where they can take care of them. Unfurtunally, the mother lost too much blood. We couldn’t do anything for her. She had a severe case of desnutrition and her body couldn’t fight back. I am awfully sorry for your loss.” The truth is not Harry nor I were listening to him. After he told us that they couldn’t do anything for her, that they couldn’t save her, we were hugging and crying. We couldn’t believe it. She died. She died alone, without knowing the future for her babies. Without knowing we would be thankful with her for the rest of our lives. She had no family, nobody cared for her. She was alone in this world and the only friends she knew after the war, were us. We became her family and now she was gone.
We all sat on the chairs of this old, dusty and poor hospital and grieved her death. I wished with all my heart I could’ve done something for her. I wish I could’ve saved her life. We couldn’t believe it. Harry was pressing his face to my neck and crying. I wanted to comfort him but I couldn’t. Liam and Zayn would come back and forth, with tears on their eyes, bringing water to us and trying their best to calm us down. But the pain came back each time.
At the morning of this day, we had to make a decision. The bottom line was that there were two little and fragile babies who have lost their mom and needed us. We had to get ourselves together and decide if we wanted to keep on going with the adoption. The agent tried to explain to us that we could still take this two babies home but the paperwork would have to change. We would have to wait and see how they were doing until we could know when we would take them home.
“Can we see them? Please? We’re all they have in this world.” Harry asked the doctor as soon as he came out to tell us the babies were doing really well.
“Sure… just let me check on them and you will see them.” The doctor replied. He was actually a really nice man.
This was a bittersweet feeling. We would be able to see them move and realize they were real but on the same time we would have to face the fact that the amazing, lovely and young girl who gave this babies to us, was gone.
They put on some hospital clothing on both Harry and I. He held my hand and before we went in, he looked at me and told me he loved me deeply. “It’s going to be fine, Lou. We’ll see our babies!” He tried to smile even though it didn’t come out.
We stepped into this room, filled with little babies in incubators. It wasn’t a pretty view. Our babies were separated into two different incubators. They were so tiny and filled with tubes on their little bodies. As soon as I saw them, I cried. It was a girl and a boy. They weren’t that much of twins. They just happened to share the same belly for seven months.
“They’re beautiful, Hazz” I said while holding his hand tight.
“I know. They will have an amazing life. They will know their mom loved them.” He was already crying at this point, with me.
“Can we hold them?” I asked the doctor.
“No, not yet. Like I told you, they’re okay but we don’t want them to get an infection. They’re still really fragile. Luckily, we don’t think we’ll need to transfer them. We thought we needed to because this little girl had a bit of swelling on her brain but its under control now. She’s fine. Do you have a name for them yet?” The doctor asked us.
We thought about it. We, on our amazing plan, didn’t thought about a name for them.
“We had no idea there were a girl and a boy. We were supposed to see the eco one of this days but… I guess it didn’t work out that way. We haven’t thought about a name yet.” Harry replied, with a weak voice.
“Okay now, lets go. This two need to rest and so do you.” The doctor said.
We said goodbye to our little ones, we told them that we loved them. And assure them that everything was going to be okay. “You’ve got to keep fighting, you hear me? Don’t give up. please. We love you so, so much.” I said to both of our babies. we didn’t want to go but we had to. Leaving them alone in that scary place made it so hard to just walk away.
I had never been so worried in my entire life. I wanted to exchange places and not see them suffer like that. Harry and I, with the boys became closer because we were together in this nightmare. There were some days I thought they were really going to die. They were so small and grew up so slowly. So I guess we had really good days, in which we could see our babies and dream about holding them, we even got to touch them through the glass, and then we would have really bad days, in which we would have to travel to another city nearby to get them a surgery or an examination they couldn’t get on the hospital they were.
I never thought a premature baby would have so many problems. Its like they appear every five seconds so you really cant blink or… sleep for that matter because in any moment this little ones would be on trouble and you want to be by their side.
The three months went by with us feeling scared and terrified for their lives. We almost didn’t leave the hospital. Luckily, we didn’t have to take care of all the paperwork because our agency did it for us and they knew everything we were going through.
I remember so clearly a night in which the girl, Lilly, had a surgery on her brain for the whole swelling thing (the truth is for hard as I tried, I never understood all the medical stuff. I just wanted them to keep on breathing, it was all I cared about) and Harry and I were so tired and Liam and Zayn were sleeping on the waiting room… I approached Harry who was sitting outside the hospital. Like I said, we were both really tired but we couldn’t sleep. Not when our little baby was in pain. And more after having a couple of fights with the doctors, we all agreed on keeping her close to her brother. It was exhausting.
“Hey, Hazz… How are you?” I asked him and sat next to him. “I brought you some coffee.”
“Thanks, love. I’m doing okay, I guess. I’m worried.” He took his first taste of the coffee I bought him.
“Yeah, I know. But we’ll be okay. Our babies, they’re going to be okay.” I said, holding him.
“Can I ask you a question?” He looked at me this time. I could see the sadness in his beautiful green eyes.
“Sure, anything!” I smiled.
“I know we’ve never talked about it… mainly because we didn’t think it matter but do you believe in something, like God or whatever?” He asked me. I thought about it. It was true we never ever talked about it. I knew his background, I mean I knew he prayed every time we went on stage and I knew he would carry around this cross his mom gave him. Me, on the other side, was never taught to believe anything at all… my mom belived in something, of course but we never really talked about it. Plus, I was gay and I sometimes felt as if people used God to judge me. Like, if God didn’t love me because I liked guys instead of girls. So it was really confusing.
“You know what, Hazz? A few years ago I would’ve told you I don’t know. I wouldn’t have cared about it too much. But now, I see things from a different perspective. Every time our babies go to surgery or every time I think about their mom and how she died, I think about God. I think I pray. I don’t know how you pray but I just ask Him or whatever to take care of them, I ask God to remind me that I have to keep fighting for you, for them. I ask God to tell her that we will take care of her kids and I wonder if she’ll get to see it from wherever she is.” I contained my will to cry because just the thought that it might not be true, was too much for me. I needed this. I needed to believe, there was something else out there. With all the suffering, all the unfairness, there had to be something more.
“I’m sorry because I’m going to be an emotional wreck again” He put his head down and began to cry. “I really want to believe it, Lou. I really do. I’m scared because if there’s nothing out there, if there is no God and no place to go when we die then I don’t think this is worth it. And if there’s nothing out there then who will take care of our baby girl? Who will take care of our little boy? I don’t understand all of this. Nothing makes sense.” It hurt me to see him like this but he felt the exact same way I felt. He was only falling into doubting. I’ve been there, sometimes I still was.
“I know, love. I know its scary and I know we both want to believe so lets just do it, shall we?” I kissed him on the cheek. “You know what always helps me?” I said to him, looking for his eyes to look at me.
“What helps you?” He asked me, trying to get himself together.
“I picture them getting out of this place. I picture them making a mess at home. I picture them getting to prom or having their first love. I picture them smiling when they hear their mom’s story, when they hear our story and how we were on the biggest boyband ever. I picture them getting kids and just living… I don’t know much about God or anything. But I know that when I think of all the suffering and unfairness of this situation, I can see his Hand or whatever on us. We will come out of this stronger, Hazz. We always come stronger.” He kissed me and hold me.
“Thank you, Lou. I really, really needed to hear that.” He said, cleaning his face again. “I love you so much.”
“Don’t even worry about it. That’s what we’re here for. I love you too, babe.” He kissed me this time on the lips. “Now, I really, really needed that.” We smiled and lost on each other’s eyes for a couple of seconds. “Now, let’s go inside. I bet Liam and Zayn are searching for us.” We stood up and got ready to face whatever came our way.
HARRY POV
After a month of having our little ones on incubators the doctor called us. For a minute, I felt my whole world crumbling. Lou, me and the boys felt scared. We had some bad news before and we started to forget the good news usually came to remind us there was indeed something above.
“Don’t worry. We’ve got some good news for you” we all breathe in content. “Please, Harry and Louis come with us. We want you to see something.” We looked back at our friends and left.
When we came into the room of the incubators there was one nurse opening both of the incubators for us. My first reaction was, of course, freak out. Lou, on the other hand was happy because he knew what it meant. I had no idea.
“What are you doing?” I said approaching the incubators and trying to figure out how to close them or something. The doctor came to me, and tap my shoulder. For some reason I was really, really angry.
“It’s okay, Harry. Its time for you to hold them. They’re ready.” The doctor told me. I actually had no idea how to react.
“Are you ready, Hazz?” I heard Lou telling me. He was smiling and that calm me down.
I didn’t say a word, I just approached the nurse and she told me what to do. Lou hold our boy and I held our baby girl. She was so tiny, I couldn’t believe I was finally holding her. All those sleepless nights, the tears and the fear, all the times I had to lean on to Louie just so I wouldn’t break down paid off. She was there, she was fine and alive and I was there to see it. Lou came up to me, with our baby on his arms, and smiled at me. He was crying and so was I. they were so beautiful and special for us. Everything made sense now that we had them. I felt as if I didn’t quite live until I held both of them on our arms. On that moment, I thought about our talk with Lou about God. I could see Him on my two little ones.
“Your mom would be so proud of you for fighting this hard. We love you so much” I said to my little baby girl. The truth was both of them were more wires than babies and they were still small and probably had a long way to go but they were there and that was awesome.
“Can we stay here?” Lou asked the doctor. I didn’t want to leave them.
“There are some other good news for you, guys. We are going to transfer the babies to another room, in which you can stay with them all you want. You can’t hold them all the time but you can touch them through the incubators.” He was smiling. We were over the moon.
“Did you hear that? We’ll be together as a family from now on.” I said to our babies.
After they transferred both of them to this room, Liam and Zayn had the chance to meet them for the first time. They had stood by us like the best friends they were for us during this whole time and just held Louie and I together, now it was time for them to see what we were fighting for.
That moment was perfect. Liam and Zayn were super excited and Louie and I couldn’t hold our tears back. Our babies came a really, really long way and now Zayn and Liam were holding them. It made perfect sense. Everything around us felt peaceful and calm. Louie and I were finally having the life we wanted and it was perfect.
LOUIS POV
When the babies were strong enough, we finally had the great news that they could leave the hospital. I remember that day is if it happened yesterday. I was freaking out because I didn’t want to mess it up, I was really stressed out but Harry, he was happy and excited. It was too soon for me to be excited about it. He noticed and approached me when he could. I was picking everything up and make sure everything was ready for them. They were still so tiny so it really scared me. Harry just put his face behind me and whispered to my ear.
“They’re beautiful, Lou. Smile for me, okay? They’re fine and strong and we’ll be some amazing parents. I love you so, so much.” He kissed me on the cheek and smiled. I knew I was scared but I wasn’t alone. He was by my side, he has always been.
Later on I found myself with two small, tiny and beautiful babies on our way to the house we had been living for the scariest months of our lives. We would send pictures to our families back home and everything was amazing. We were ready to go. We packed our bags and watched our babies in awe as they were getting to know this amazing world we all live in.
We were over the moon because we were coming home with two amazing little babies who were a few months old but I admire with all my heart. They were just perfect.
The night before we leave, the lads made dinner plans. Obviously, we weren’t going to have dinner on some nice restaurant. We would have dinner on the place we were staying. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
Harry went earlier to buy some groseries and the lads and I were waiting at the house so he would pick us up. it was going to be a special dinner because it was our last night there so I was dressing a little nicer.
“Oh hey. Okay, we will see you there then” Liam said and hang up the phone.
“Who was that?” Zayn asked.
‘It was Harry. He says he will meet us there. So I guess you need some help with the little ones?” He asked, without letting me answer before he grab Claire, who was laying on her crib.
I wasn’t mad but I was wondering why he would leave us with the babies to carry around. it still made me a little anxious to have them with us and being so small and fragile. I wasn’t used to the parent feeling, like they call it.
I had no desition over where the dinner would take place. it turns out that they decided, with Harry where to go. They made this amazingly beautiful dinner on a house nearby. It was amazing, I thought for a moment that I might forgotten someone’s birthday because there were candles and beautiful decoration all over the place. Harry was looking amazing in this light suit.
“Oh, you look amazing Hazz! Whats the occasion? Why all of this?” I asked him, while kissing him. He was smiling at me and looking at the other guys, as if they already knew.
“Not much, love. We just want to make this night extra special…” He replied. “How are the little ones? He asked me approaching the babies. They were the cutest babies in the world.
They were at their crib and that also made me anxious. The truth was everything made me anxious.
We had this amazing dinner, the food was amazing and we were eating outside so it felt like the most romantic thing ever. I loved it. At the middle of our dinner I realized Harry was acting a little weird and I had no idea why. So of course I asked.
“Are you okay, love?” I touched his leg under the table.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m incredibly happy you are here and everyone else. Specially, our little ones. They’re just out of the world”. He said, smiling and giggleing. He was nevous, we know each other for ages and he still wanted to lie to me? Lame.
But I let it pass by and enjoyed the rest of the dinner. Having two babies to look up for is really scary but like I said, I love them and admire them so much so I didn’t really care. The entire dinner, we just made fun and rememebered everything we went through on our trip. We were so happy that everything went perfectly and just to get to experience all of it.
When we finished our dinner, Harry stood up and brought this battle of champainge. It looked nice and expensive and… old? I couldn’t ask any questions because as soon as he returned, he winked at me and began to talk.
“This has been the most amazing experience of my life. I’m so, so thankful you guys are here and that now we have this little babies to take care of.” He held my hand. “But most importantly, you are here Lou. There’s no way I could put into words everything we’ve been through but something I can actually say is you’ve always been there for me. You have been my best friend, my lover, my little one and everything to me. I’ve been wondering the past few days how we could finish this day on the perfect way and I got it. It came to me, Lou” He smiled and kneeled. He had tears on his eyes and when I realized what he was about to do, I was tearing up too. “I have no idea how to say this so I’ll just put it into words. I love you more than anything in the world and now, we will raise this kids together and be amazing at it. I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to ask you… would you marry me?” He asked and smiled because he knew the answer before he asked.
“Of Course! You’re perfect to me, Harry Styles!” I said, looking at his eyes. All of the sudden, everyone who were there started clapping. The boys were so proud and happy. He gave me this ring that said “perfect love” and it was beautiful. We were finally engaged. “I love you, Lou” He said and gave me the most amazing kiss ever. It was the perfect way to ask because our babies where there, we were in this amazing country and two of our best friends were also there taking pictures and being awesome.
Him proposing, our babies and the most amazing memories were captured on a photograph that I keep at our house. Of course, after we went home we had to take care of this little babies and it wasn’t easy. I’m definitely a messy guy and Harry would have to pick everything up for all of us. But we were now living something amazing and exciting on our relationship.
I think the hardest part of having babies is trying to keep the fire alive. Like, now we didn’t get to do much of what we used to because we had to look after them but we would find a way. It was fun and it was a new adventure for all of us.
We finally had our wedding on our little babies first birthday. We thought it would be fun to have like a mash up or something. It was really, really nice. The truth is it was everything we ever dreamt of. All of our families and people we cared about were there and we promised each other, again, a love that would never ever fail to try and to fight.
There were nights when neither of us could sleep. And we would make some coffee and talk all night long about how our lives turn out to be. I remember one specificly because I realized we had exactly what we wanted. We wanted a simple life, we wanted kids and be out in public holding hands and being ourselves for real. I was blessed to get married with the man I always loved and to have kids with him and a life with him. On those nights, we would lay down in bed and just look at each other’s eyes like we did when I was eighteen. Everything was perfect and amazing even when we had fights and we had no idea what to do. We were just meant for each other.
For whatever the reason, we changed the touring and fame, the money and everything for this. Cleaning a house, taking care of two little babies who grew way to fast, for a family and a place to call our home. We weren’t those teenage boys anymore, we grew older and our life became simple and nice.
Long gone where the days when we would be freaking out about modest management or being scared for people’s opinion. We loved each other since we were teenagers and we were planning for a long way to go. We, of course, had no idea that our life would be shortened. It happened when our little kids were in seventh grade.
Harry was at home, making dinner. I was helping our kids to do their homework and everything was fine. We were discussing why we had to have a bedtime, Harry was laughing because he knew pretty well I hated to make rules for our kids but they were necessary. Then, out of nowhere, Harry screamed. It was the scariest sound ever.
“Hazz, whats wrong?” I yelled and told our kids to stay where they were. “I’m coming.” I stood up and approached the place where he was. I suddenly realized he was lying on the floor, his hands were on his stomach.
“Oh God, call an ambulance!” He was trying to stand the pain but apparently it was too much.
“Okay, okay. Try to hold on.” And so I called the ambulance. Our kids were watching so I didn’t want to freak out. As soon as I made sure they were coming, I came back to the kitchen. Harry was trying to stand up. I tried to help him.
“The kids, Lou. Where are we going to do with them?” He asked, starting to cry.
“Don’t worry about them. I’ll take them with us. Let’s just take care of you now.” He was about to protest but I didn’t let him. I had no idea what was going on but… I mean, we were healthy. He was 34 and we were fine, two seconds ago we were fine. So I didn’t freak out about it.
The ambulance got there and they took him to the hospital. I went on our car with our kids. I tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be something too bad. I was thinking about it when I heard Lilly’s voice.
“Dad, is daddy going to be okay?” Our girl asked.
“Yes, darling. He’s in pain, that’s all. But we all have to be strong for him, okay? We need him to know we are here for him and support him. So let’s all be brave for him. He’s fine, I promise you baby.” I told her. Trying to convince myself of the same.
The doctors made all kinds of exams on Harry’s stomach. He was still in pain and it killed me. We spent three days on the hospital. I asked my mom to take care of our kids and just take them away from the hospital. I was sure there was nothing wrong with Harry so the kids having a bit of a vacation didn’t seem important at the moment.
On the third day, the doctor came with some other doctor we didn’t see before. He had a weird look on his face. I squeezed Harry’s hand and smiled at him. Except now my boy, my husband didn’t smile back.
“So as you know we made some exams, I’m afraid the results aren’t good. My colleague will guide you through this process. Harry, we believe you have a growth on your pancreas. We have tested it for cancer…” At that point I stopped listening. I have seen people sick with cancer, I have seen people dying or whatever but during my life I have never, not even for a second, thought about one of us dying. Not even when the mother of our kids died I thought it could come to us. My life worked out to be pretty good for me, for my friends and my husband but now… what the hell was I supposed to do? I came back to the conversation, Harry was quiet. I knew I had to do something to make it better.
“So, what now?” I asked, standing up… trying to defend my baby from I don’t know what.
“Well, we will have to shrink it before we cut the tumor off. This type of cancer, Harry, is dangerous and spreads quickly so we recommend chemotherapy at least once a week for six months. We will have you signing some papers and get you ready.” I couldn’t believe how inhumane this doctor was. He didn’t care for Harry, he didn’t even approached him. He talked as if he was talking to anyone about anything irrelevant. I hated how he talked to Harry and I didn’t realize he was staring at the floor.
“Can we have some time alone?” I asked him, almost without wanting his answer.
“Sure. We’ll give you a minute and we’ll come back later to give you more details.” He left.
As soon as he closed the door, I grabbed his hand and try to look at his beautiful eyes.
“Harry, babe. We can beat this. Its just another thing, you know? We have been through worse –I didn’t quite believed that- and have come back stronger. Hey, look at me.” He put his beautiful, scared eyes on me. “We can do this.” He didn’t say a word. I didn’t understand why. “Fine, Harry. Scream at me, yell or cry or just ask me a bunch of questions I have no answer to. Just say something. Please.”
“I’m scared, Lou. I don’t want to yell. I don’t know what to feel or think. Like rightnow I’m thinking about our kids and how this will hurt them. Don’t say it wont because I know it will. We know each other a bit too well, Lou. I don’t want to talk about it now.” He finally said. He wipe a tear and asked me to let the doctor in so they could tell him all the disgusting details of this.
The doctor basicly said that he would feel like dying for six months, probably lose his hair, feel weak and if we were lucky enough he would make it and they would be able to cut into his stomach. That’s the thing about desease, I learned that day. It takes all the control out of you. You get a diagnosis, a number on a scale and that’s all you get.
I was in panic but didn’t say a word, just held his hand like I was supposed to do. I couldn’t picture this as just another adventure in our lives. I wanted so much more that just thinking about losing him would make me want to die with him as well. This wasn’t my dream plan, this wasn’t what I wanted for both his life and mine but now we had to face this on the best way we could. Even when it meant our entire life could fall on us at any minute.
HARRY POV.
The hardest part of cancer is definitely not knowing how you feel about it until everything you’ve been keeping inside, burst into a gray display of anger and dessapointment. When I started the quimio and everything tasted like coins and I would feel my life slipping from my fingers and I lost my hair and only wear beanie’s so it wouldn’t look too weird and Louis would just look at me and try his very best not to cry and not to freak out, the anger began to grow inside me.
We wouldn’t have to be at the hospital for too long because I would only take the chemo and then go. Which is not really good since I had to hide my pain and my sorrow from my little two babies who would look at me and wondered what was going on with me.
Looking at Louis would be the worst part of it all. He got our kids a babysitter, he quit his job as a producer and song writer and lean on our savings from our times on One Direction to keep our house alive. I knew I was skinny and looked tired but at some point he started to look the same way. I loved him with all my heart but as the desease took over, we stopped talking to each other. It was all about paying the bills, getting through and survive that we forgot what made us unite our lives on the first place. I started to feel as if I was already gone, like I was losing him. it killed me but on the same time I didn’t want to sound ungrateful for everything he was doing.
One night I had a long session of vomiting and being sick and we both fell sleep. But around 2am I woke up. Louie was sleeping next to me. I stared at him, wondering how on earth we ended up like this. How we became my desease, how we didn’t even look at each other for all the anger and sadness we were dealing with. I wondered for a second what would happen if I died and free him. The thought scared me for my two little ones but it gave me some comfort about my boy, my husband. The truth is the kids handle it pretty well or at least that’s what they showed me but my relationship with this man I loved with all my heart was shattering. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My whole body ached and I felt weak but I just wanted something to eat, some tea and just give myself some time to think. It reminded me of the times when we brought our kids home for the first time and we were so happy and excited that we would stay up all night just kissing or laughing at how amazing our life turn out to be. I missed those moments like never before. I missed him so much.
I took my cup of tea and sat outside. It wasn’t cold or hot but for me it felt freezing so I brought a blanket and stayed there. I contemplate everything, the trees and the lake lighten up by the full moon above. It was absolutely beautiful. I was enjoying it so much, for a second it felt like nothing was wrong anymore. I didn’t have cancer, my kids were happy and Louie was next to me. I was contemplating all the memories we had in this house when I heard someone coming to me from the house.
It was Louie.
“What are you doing here, Harry? Are you okay? Do you need anything? We should probably get inside, aren’t you cold?” He asked, trying to go through everything I might need.
“No, I’m okay. I just wanted to think. Would you come sit with me?” I asked him. I wanted him by my side so badly. I wanted him back.
He hesitated. Looked back at the house. “Sure, I guess its okay. Just not too long, you really need to rest.” He went back to the house and brought some more blankets. He gave me one more and he stayed with one. He knew the chemo would make me extra sensitive of the weather.
“It’s a beautiful night, Lou. I just wanted to come outside and see it for myself.” I said. I looked over to him and he was a little mad. I had no idea why. “Don’t you like it?” I asked, just to get him out of his anger.
“It’s fine, Harry. It’s just a night…” He replied. I hated to feel like he could be right next to me and still be so far away.
“So what’s wrong? Why are you so mad?” I asked him. I could deal with a bunch of things but not this, not now.
“Nothing’s wrong with me, Harry…” He replied, looking away.
“I remember you used to like coming here and stare at just another night with the moon and the lake… what happened to you?” I was obviously bothered by his responses. Actually, I’ve been bothered with his attitude for months now.
“Oh my God, are we really doing this? What happened to me, Harry? What happened to me is that you’re sick, that’s whats happening to me. You’re sick and I’m with a shitload of things to take care of, you obviously don’t realize anything I do but I’m under a lot of fucking pressure okay? And on the top of the endless list of things I have to do one of the most tiring and important is keeping you alive which trust me is not my favorite of all. Also I have to take care of two kids who are totally leaning on me to get you better. Oh and did I mention I have a shitload of things to pay for? And also I have to keep an eye on you so you don’t fucking leave in the middle of the night to watch the moon and the lake. That’s exactly what’s happening to me, Harry.” He stood up. I was looking down, for a second I felt like a child being carried around by his mother. I hated it. But I knew he felt guily for all the things he said. “Shit. Sorry, Harry. I just… I’m having a rough night. I freaked out when I woke up and you weren’t lying next to me. I had no idea what I thought but I freaked out and I’m sorry. Can we please go inside so we can both go to bed and sleep?” He was obviously trying to get out of the situation. I swear to God, in that moment it felt like I didn’t even know this guy.
“No, I want to stay here and watch the fucking moon reflecting on the stupid lake. You go inside if you want to. I’m staying.” I looked up and already felt my eyes watering. I really didn’t want to cry in front of him but I couldn’t help it.
“Harry, I’m not leaving you here.” I knew he thought I might die or something if he left me there. I had a freaking tube going out of my chest and was skinny and weak. I was just a man connected to a wire. He grab me by the arm, trying to get me up. Just like a kid.
“Don’t fucking touch me, Louis.” I didn’t have much strength so I used everything I had to take his arm off me. “I want to stay here and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I do have a fucking say. I might be fucking dying but I get to say where I sit and where I want to spend time and If I want to spend time sitting here remembering a time when you were still my best friend and my lover and my everything then that’s what I’m going to fucking do. So if you want to go then go! Oh, and while you’re at it the next time you go around complaining about your situation look at me and realize I’m fucking dying, I might lose this life and my kids who were a dream I used to share with you might not see me anymore. So yeah, think about that.” I was hysterically crying at this point but I kept talking and looking at him while I was at it. After months of silence, evetything was coming out.
He looked away. Just stood there right in front of me. Then he turned around, heading to the lake, put his hands on his face, sat on the grass and the sound of his crying silent everything around us. I hated the fact that he was crying for me, that I did it. I hurt him so badly that he didn’t have the strength to stay on his feet. He wasn’t too far away from me but I was sure I couldn’t just stand up and get to him. Being sick is like being tired all the time and I used my entire energy on taking his arm off me. Now I was exhausted.
We stayed there for about thirty minutes. We didn’t talk to each other. Louie stopped crying and just stayed there, sitting in the grass. I was paralyzed and so was he.
“Louis…” I broke the silence. “I just…” He didn’t let me finish, he stood up and I thought he was going back to the house but he came to me instead and hugged me so hard. He hugged me for all this months that have been hell for us. He broke down in tears again and so did I. I tried to comfort him. I knew the only thing that sucked way more than being sick was having someone you love being sick. He kneeled before me and just hugged me. God knows I didn’t want to lose him and he didn’t want to lose me.
“I’m sorry, Harry. I’m so, so sorry.” He looked at me. I knew I didn’t look like a model anymore. I knew I didn’t have the curly beautiful hair or the sparkle eyes but he looked at me like I still did. “I’m freaking out but I know you’re too. I have no idea what to do. I feel like everyday I’m losing you a little bit more. I know I swore to you that we would make it and I feel like its on me to make it happen but I miss you so much and I don’t even know how that’s possible.” He was crying his eyes out and I was too. “I love you more than anything and if I lose you, Harry I would be lost.” He pressed his lips to mine. It was the first heart felt kiss we’ve had in a long, long time. I placed my hands on his cheeks and for a second we were eighteen again. “I want to see the fucking moon with you. I want to kiss you and make love to you. I want to be your husband again.” He said to me. I was unable to find the right words to say.
“Don’t ever cry like that again, you hear me? Ever again! This isn’t over, love. I’m not over with our family and my life with you. Please, don’t give up on us yet.” I begged him.
“I will never give up on you or on us. I’m just really, really scared. I’ve been so lonely. I don’t want to force you or to ask you for help because I know you’re tired and you’re freaking cold all the time but I cant do this on my own, Hazz. I can’t. I need you by my side…” He said to me.
“I’m not gone, you know? I’m here. If you need someone to yell at or to scream or whatever. I’m right here. If you need help with the kids or if you need to have rough sex, I’m here” He made a half way smile. I thank God for that.
“Tell me, how do you feel Harry? You haven’t talked to me once about your feelings since the diagnosis. I really cant stand your silence. If you miss coming here and watch the moon then I miss the guy who wouldn’t shut up about his feelings.” He tried to make me smile, he succeded.
“I don’t know, Lou. Sometimes I’m mad and scared and sometimes I’m just numb.” I replied.
“What are you afraid of, Hazz?” He asked me. Knowing it was a risky question.
I thought about it. “I’m scared I might never see the moon again with you. I’m scared of what will happen if I cant get better. I’m scared of what will my kids feel, I’m scared you might never be happy again. I’m scared of dying on a hospital bed. Most of the time, I’m just scared” I said. Louie was kneeling before me, listening and trying to understand.
“What can I do to make you feel better, babe?” He asked, wiping a tear from my eye.
“Promise me you will be happy again and mean it. Promise me, even if it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, that if something happens to me you’ll find someone who makes you happy and who loves our kids to death. Promise me that you’ll never let them forget about me. Promise me we’ll have sex like insane people, like when we were eighteen and promise me we’ll come to see the moon every once in a while and promise me you’ll enjoy my company and not make me feel like I’m gone already… and promise me you’ll love me until the end.” He hugged me and then looked me in the eye.
“What about me, Hazz? What about me if you die?” He asked me, breaking everything inside me.
“You’ll be happy and you’ll carry on… but you need to promise me this things. Please, promise me you’ll be okay!” I had no idea why this felt like a goodbye, but I needed this.
“Fine. I promise. But you fight too, okay?” He held my face again. I wasn’t some super model anymore but he still loved the dimples on my face. He gave me a long, well awaited kiss.
“I love you more than anything in the whole wide world” I said. “I will always love you, Louie. You’re perfect to me.” We hugged one last time and stayed there, watching the stupid moon reflecting on the lake.
I need to say that conversation we had, that burst of grey emotions didn’t change the fact that I was still sick. I had about two months of almost dying every week. It didn’t change the fact that we had a lot of things to take care of but now at least it wasn’t just Louie facing them. We were together on this. He had my back and I had his. We were finlly working as a couple, as a team and that was all I ever needed from him. We finally became a family. Even the bad days seemed great when I had my baby blue eyes next to me.
LOUIS POV
The first months of Harry’s chemo was the hardest but once we got through them, everything started to feel a little better. Harry was still sick but I loved that now I felt like he was by my side every single day. He would take care of the kids most of the time.
Our house became our home once again. We even began to be romantic again. We would play around with each other and be happy for our kids and for ourselves. It almost felt like nothing was wrong. I remember this time when I had to go to buy something at the store and it took me ages to get home, I was so nervous because I left Harry with the kids alone so I rushed into the house, being terrified of what I was going to find… And I found Harry and the kids, laying in the living room watching a movie. I stayed there and just stared at them. I loved our family so much, I loved Harry so much. Our kids were older and they were just enjoying with their father. It was beautiful. That night I didn’t want to lose a single detail. I wanted to keep that picture in my mind forever. I felt tears of joy falling from my eyes. And Harry noticed, he just smiled at me and invited me to join them.
The lads were also a great support system for Harry and I during that difficult time. Specially Liam who was always helping us with the kids or just hagging out with us. Anything to keep us from thinking about the scans or the medical stuff.
On his fifth month of chemo, Harry relapsed. For the first time since he was diagnosed, I thought I would really lose him. He had an infection on his G-tube. It was really hard on all of us but Harry would be the one to give all of us strength. I had no idea how he managed all of it but he did it gracefully.
I always knew Hazz was a special human being but I don’t think I realized how amazingly strong and courageous he was until he had to face this. A lot of people didn’t agree with me but having our kids being part of his desease made them admire him and love him even more. After a week at the hospital recovering from his relapse and a lot of hard days and nights, we left. Harry only had one month to recover and then we would see if he was ready for surgery.
One day we had a rutinary scan session. I was always really nervous for it. Each time. It creeped me out. But Harry was always really calm about it and this particular time I wasn’t that scared. We said goodbye, we kissed and I waited.
As soon as they finished, they put Harry and I on a cold room. When the doctors stepped inside, they had a really sirous look upon their faces. I knew it before they began to speak. Harry had a collapsed lung, the found new tomurs on his lungs and pelvis. I couldn’t believe it. I thought Harry would be quiet once again but this time he spoke when I couldn’t do it.
“How long?” He asked our doctors, embracing a bravery look upon his face.
“Harry, you do have a chance here. It’s a surgery. We would have to remove your leg and part of your pelvis. I know It sounds extreme because it is but we would be saving your life. We are really sorry. Please, take some time to decide.” They stepped outside. I really didn’t like our doctors.
We both stayed there quiet and he broke the silence.
“I don’t want to lay here sick, Lou. I don’t want to not be able to walk around and play with our kids. I don’t want to feel miserable for a couple of years until this thing comes back and kills me.” He grabbed my hand. “we’ve been through hell for five months and a half. I don’t want more of it. So just tell me what to do, please.” He begged, while a tear fell down.
“You don’t want this, right? The surgery?” I asked, trying to keep my body and soul together.
“No, I don’t want this. This is unfair and horrible but I don’t want this…” He replied. I hugged him and realize how brave and amazing he really was. We stood there, knowing what challenge was standing before us.
I asked the doctors in. I tried my very best to not break down as I continued to say “We don’t want the surgery. Tell us how long and what can we do from now on…” They both looked dessapointed.
“Well, we have to get Harry on one last surgery to make sure he can still walk and… We will send some pills for the pain and we’ll wait. Harry, you have about five months, we cant tell you exactly what will happen but we still recommend the surgery. It will give you more time. Please think about it, I know it sounds extreme but it’s your life…” The doctor said.
“No, I don’t want it. Just get me out of here as soon as possible” Harry replied.
They prep him for surgery that same day. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I couldn’t understand. Our kids were staying with my mom for the day and just thinking about telling them, killed me. But I guess all the years next to Harry made him know me better than myself.
We said goodbye one more time, I kissed him and promised him I’d be there when we wakes up. I turn my phone off and got ready for the longest day of my life. I went to the chapel. I just sat there and contemplate everything. I contemplate Jesus. This naked guy who was hanging from a cross. I was wondering about his pain and his fear when someone tap my shoulder. I turned around and saw Liam standing with a worry look upon his face covered with a smile.
“Hey, mate. How are you?” I was shocked he was there. So I just moved and he sat next to me. “You know Harry knows you better than anybody else in the planet, right?” He asked me with an amused look upon his face.
“He texted you, didn’t he? He knew I would like to be alone and… contemplating Jesus hanging on a cross because it makes me think of Harry…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. Harry was dying. He hugged me. Didn’t say a word. “We never believed in God or anything, you know? And this whole thing makes it even harder.” And I admitted it. I was so pissed off.
“I’m so sorry, Louie. But we have to stick together through all of this. Harry really, really loves you and he texted me so you wouldn’t be by yourself.” He said, comforting me.
“I don’t know what I will do if he’s gone, what am I going to tell our babies? I promised Harry would be fine and now…” I couldn’t say it. It was too much for me. I just couldn’t do it.
“Let’s not worry about it now. Harry is still here. Harry will get to spend time with you and the babies. And I’m here and I will back you up all the way, okay? You’ll be fine.” He said. I stopped crying and we just stood there, watching this God cruxified hanging from a cross. It made me feel better to considerate maybe God or whatever knew what I was going through. I asked Him for some strength to face whatever came my way and left.
While Harry was recovering from the surgery I talked to our doctor. I came up with this idea. I wanted to take him for a trip. We always said we wanted to know South America, we visited when we were One Direction but we never really got to experience it. I wanted to take a cruise on NY and just take it from there. I wanted him to spend time with me and the kids before it happened. I didn’t forget I promised him he wouldn’t die on a hospital bed and I was sure I was going to fulfill my promise.
“Excuse me, can we talk for a minute?” I asked as I arppoached the doctor. “I have a question… I want to take Harry on a trip, we always wanted to travel together and this seems like the perfect occasion. Do you think it will hurt him?” He changed his look from understanding to angry real quick.
“Louis, it is a miracle Harry is alive. He has some really dangerous tumors on his body, taking him on a trip will not only hurt him it could short his time. Actually, I think you should keep him here until it’s time. I know three months or so on a hospital bed is not a perfect way to end it but it might give us some time.” He said, almost laughing at the fact that I thought I could take a terminal pacient off to a trip. He forgot, obviously, that the terminal pacient was my husband and the man I loved my entire life.
“He doesn’t want to ‘end it’ on a hospital bed. He wants to be with us, with his family and his kids.” I replied.
“I get that but the thing is you’re probably not thinking about it like you should, Louis. It’s going to happen whether we want it or not, you have to accept it. He can spend time with your kids while being here” He said. It was too much for me to take.
“You have told us how to live for 6 months because you said, you promised he would be fine at the end of that time. You’ve been shattering his hopes over and over again. You’ve been injecting him with poison just so you can come here at the end of that period to say ‘well, sorry…you’re going to die now.’ And I’m not pulling out for this shit anymore. I’m taking him on a trip, whether you like it or not.” I said while tears of pure anger fell down my face. “He’s a freaking human being and you’re treating him like a fucking lab rat. I’m done with it. Please, sign him off and go fuck yourself while you’re at it.” I walked away from him. I literally have been holding everything inside for too long. I was going to do what I thought right for my husband and me.
I entered Harry’s room. He was trying to eat and Liam and some family members were there. He saw my face, I didn’t say hi to anyone and just came to him. I realized I had some tears staining my face. I wiped them off and smiled for him. “We’re going on a trip!” I said. Harry smiled at me as well and grabbed my hand. Then he looked at everybody and smiled, “You heard my beloved one, we’re going on a trip!” everyone was quiet and silent. They probably thought the same things the doctor just told me. But I guess they understood we needed some time on our own. They could fight me later.
When everybody went outside and Harry and I were left alone I sat on his bed and tried to hide my anger and pain.
“So, where are we going?” He asked.
“Well, remember when you said you like South America? I’ve been doing some research and we can take a cruise on NY and then go to South America. It’s the nicest thing in the world, you’ll love it.” I said.
“That sounds amazing, babe. I cant wait. Are the kids coming?” I knew it was important for him to spend time with our little ones.
“I wouldn’t leave them for the world. It’s going to be incredible, Harry. I’ve heard they have like this huge pools and activities for the kids.” I said. Trying to show some enthusiasm.
“Have you talked to the doctors? What have they said?” He asked. I changed my expression and he noticed right away.
“I’ve told them that they can go fuck themselves with their restriction and safety orders. I have told them you’re not going to stay here and just wait. And that I honestly don’t give a fuck as long as you’re happy.” I said, almost crying. He laughed so hard, his stiches hurt.
“I knew you would say something like that to those doctors someday. I was only waiting for it but I knew it.” He said and smiled. I tried to smile back at him but it didn’t work out.
“I don’t want you to stay here in pain while we could have an adventure together. I refuse to let them take that away from us. They have taken everything else, I’m not letting them take this Harry.” I said, already crying. He hugged me and I cried on his lap.
“We’ll be okay, Louis. We will have this amazing trip and will take one step at the time. I know it’s incredibly hard to ignore what the doctors just told us but we can do this. I want to enjoy watching your beautiful blue eyes and our beautiful kids as long as I can. I’m sure we’ll have time to yell and get mad later.” He hold my face with his hands and made me kiss him.
HARRY POV
Thinking about dying was the hardest thing I’ve ever done so at one point I just quit thinking about it. My family visited us a week before our trip. They weren’t happy with the idea of me traveling especially when I was dealing with a terminal disease. I think I understood where they were coming from. They wanted to spend time with me but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Lou and the kids. I truly wanted it. My family, not even my sister or my mom asked me what was going on. They already knew and they didn’t like to talk about it. Of course, they picked the best time ever to break the denial: our dinner.
“So, where are you going Harry?” My mom asked.
“We’re going to this amazing trip on this huge boat and will have the time of our lives” Our beautiful, smart and completely out of line daughter replied.
“That’s completely right, darling. We are going to have the time of our lives on a place called South America. It’s amazing, mom. You should see it.” I continued.
“We could show her, right daddy?” My little girl asked.
“That sounds like an amazing idea!” I replied.
Louie was completely quiet, he was focused on eating. He didn’t want to fight. He never wants to fight.
“Harry, are you sure… this is a good idea?” My sister asked. I also loved her to death but I hated how scared she was and how it made her react.
“Going for a trip with my family and have fun? Of course it’s an amazing idea. Lou made the best out of it!” I grabbed Lou’s hand, I was noticing he was uncomfortable.
“Kids, go to wash your hands and go to bed. I’ll be there in a minute. Say goodnight to grandma.” Louis ordained. I was starting to realize he had something to say and my family wasn’t planning on stopping.
Our kids stood up and after they said goodnight to my family, they left. The table went silent for a couple of minutes. We both knew my mom would speak her mind sooner or later.
“Harry, I really don’t think this is a good idea. You could use a time home, we could spend sometime together. Louis, cant this wait for next year? Maybe when Harry is doing better?” She asked.
“You know I respect you a lot but everyone sitting here knows we don’t have another year.” Louis said, holding tight to my hand.
My mom stared to tear up, “That’s exactly my point. We are his family and it doesn’t seem fair to me that you’re taking him away” She said. She was brokenhearted.
“He’s not taking me away, mom. I want to spend time with my family, I want to be with them” I said, trying to make her see from our perspective.
“We are your family, Harry. I don’t understand why this is so urgent, I mean what do you need from out there?” She continued to argue.
“He needs time with his family. He needs time to enjoy life and explore.” Louis answered. I surely didn’t like the direction this was taking.
“But now? I just want to spend time with him. And you’re also taking the kids with you, why are you acting so selfishly, Louis?” She asked him. He was trying his best to control himself. It was failing.
“Mom, please. Let’s not make an argument out of this. I want to spend time with them, okay? We’re not being selfish.” I tried to calm everyone down. My sister was looking down, she didn’t say a word and didn’t seem interested on fighting.
“Taking you away in this moment seems pretty selfish to me. You have done enough traveling around and now you should stay home and just…” She was speaking when Louie interrupted her.
“And wait? You do know he’s dying right? He’s got a few months to live and he wants to take a trip to a place he used to love. And he wants to spend it with his kids, who love him and who will miss him forever, and with his husband instead of sitting at home and wait until it happens. You know what he needs, Ann? He needs time to say goodbye.” I heard him crushing his own spirit. I knew he hated to be so direct about it, he hated to talk about it but it was necessary. My mom wasn’t really looking at the big picture.
“You’re so rude! Why you have to say that infront of him?” She asked, crying. I couldn’t say a word. I was too sad and too confused. They never had a fight before.
“Because he’s not a child and he knows whats happening to his body. He knows exactly whats going on, don’t you see it? He’s made a choice and you’re just making it extremely hard for him! That’s selfish!” Louie replied.
They both stood up and at some point my sister intervened trying to calm my mom down.
“Stop!” I yelled. “You’re both acting like children and you’re yelling! The kids are probably listening and this is not something I want to make them hear. Mom, I’m going on vacation with my husband and my kids because yes, I’m dying. Because I begged Louie not to let me die on a hospital bed surrounded by idiotic doctors who only care about themselves. I’m sorry, mom. I’m sorry I’m dying but this is not about you and I get to say how I want to spend my last months. So stop insulting each other and blaming it on Louis. I wanted this, okay? I wanted this and I still do.” I stood up where she was, looked at her straight in the eyes, “I love you, mom and I’m incredibly thankful that you’re my mother. But I’ve made up my mind and I’m doing what I think it’s best for my family. Please, please respect that.” And I hugged her. She began to cry her eyes out. It was the first time she heard it from me. I saw Louie and my sister were also crying.
“I’m sorry, son. I love you and I don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m sorry” She said, trying to keep it together.
“Don’t be sorry, mom. Just let’s not fight.” I realized Louie was standing behind me. “Now, please you two don’t fight over this. You better take care of her” I said to Lou. “And you better take care of him” I said to my mom. “Please don’t fight.” They hugged each other and apologized. Finally, we ended our night watching old photo albums and talking all over the details for our trip.
When they left, I stood by the door watching the car fading in the distance. I was afraid I might never see them again. I shook the thought off my head and realized Lou was coming to me.
“Crazy night, huh?” He said, smiling at me and kissing me on the lips.
“I loved it, Lou. Thank you so much.” I replied.
“You might be sick or whatever but you still rock at the kitchen” He said.
“But I didn’t cook tonight…” I was a bit confused.
“I know but I bet you’re still amazing at cooking” He smiled, this guy honestly kept my spirit alive.
“I can definitely cook something for you! I mean, only if you want to.” I replied. I wanted to make my boy smile. I wanted to return the favor.
“I’d actually rather watch the stupid moon over the stupid lake with you, would you like that?” He asked.
“I would love that!” I replied and kissed him. He went inside and brought some blankets. We stay up watching the stupid moon over the stupid lake. It was beautiful but the reason I most enjoyed it was because Lou was with me, kissing me and making me feel as always like the luckiest guy in the world.
The day we finally had our exciting trip, we woke up pretty early and had an amazing family breakfast. The kids gave a special taste to our life, a chaotic yet amazing taste. I was feeling well, Lou was looking amazing and I was finally growing some curly hair back. Lou was over the moon for that.
We made sure we had everything ready, we called our families and said goodbye… obviously they all cried when they heard those words coming from me. But I didn’t let it bother me, it was the day I’ve been waiting for! And we headed to NY to catch our cruise.
Of course, it wasn’t the first time Louie and I been to NY but it was our kid’s first time and they were really, really happy. I still had to take it slow. Sometimes I would find trouble walking and sometimes it would also hurt but Lou and I would make it work, not only for the kids but for each other.
It was our first big family trip and we were all very happy about it. Of course, I would catch this feeling of anger and sadness every time I thought about being too late for a real family trip. God knows I wanted more time with them, holding them and watching them being kids and watching Louie being an amazing parent. The truth is we left everything to come to this trip together. Not even the lads were agreeing with us taking the trip but they knew we had our way of living life and we weren’t going to change it now.
One of the things I loved the most about our family was that Lou and I were truly a couple. We would make out, be sweet to each other and love each other with two kids looking our example. We were happy and our kids, hopefully, learned a lot from us. Perhaps our little girl will never settle down for a boy (or girl) who doesn’t treat her right and our boy will always treat a girl (or boy) the way they deserved to be treated. That thought made me incredibly proud of our family and our life. I remember when Lou and I talked for the very first time about having kids and how we wanted them to learn from our mistakes and from our lives. We were showing them a great example of true love… At least I’d know my kids would remember me for that.
During all this time dealing with sickness and everything, I made a present for them. I worked hard on it and one day I decided to show it to Louie. We were on a romantic dinner on the cruise. Of course a romantic dinner for Louie and I consisted of us laying in bed on our underwear with candles everywhere and food on the bed. Thankfully the cruise had enough activities to keep the kids away from us for long periods of time. We would also do things together as a family but this wasn’t one of those things.
“Lou, I want to show you something.” I told him. He was laying on my lap.
“What is it?” He asked, smiling.
I brought a little umbelope with ten mp3 cd’s.
“I want them to remember me, Lou. So I recorded a message for them, it’s a birthday message so you will have to help me out and make the kids listen to it when the day comes. You can listen to them if you want to… Just don’t let them forget about me.” I realized Lou was looking down and crying.
“You didn’t have to do this, Hazz. I will not let them forget about you. Ever.” He replied.
“I know, Lou but you promised me you would find someone to love you and to love them and it might be a little awkward to have you talking about me all the time…” I said.
“No! Don’t, Harry. Don’t talk like that. You’re still here and I want you here. I will be happy again, I guess but I don’t want to love somebody else. I just don’t! What you did for them is beautiful and I’ll make sure they listen to this but… I don’t want anybody else.” The thought of my little boy being alone for the rest of his life didn’t please me. He was this amazing, smart, caring, loving and hot guy who deserved to die with someone by his side. I hated that I wasn’t able to be there for him but that’s what I wanted for him.
“You should know I want you to love again. I want you to be happy and not be lonely remembering me… But anyway, you make sure you make them listen to this. It matters.” I said. He looked up to me and hugged me.
“I love you, Hazz…” He kissed me so hard that I remembered all the passion we felt when we first kissed. He was about to take off my shirt and for some reason I felt ashamed. My body, once again, wasn’t the body of a healthy man. I was skinny and had scars upon my chest that sadly wrecked most of my tattoos. He noticed I didn’t want him to see it.
“When I say I love you, it means I love all about you. Every single freckle and the dimples in your cheeks. You’re perfect to me, remember?” He kissed me again and slowly took my shirt off. He saw my scars, my skinny body and looked back at me, he smiled. He kissed my neck and went down on me. Every time he kissed a scar I would feel a rush all over my body. We loved each other and he loved me for everything I was. He made me feel deeply loved and cared for. He made me feel the way I felt with him when we were eighteen and everything was new and experimental, we never thought for a moment we would be here about fifteen years later. We made love, even when my body wasn’t the body of an eighteen year old boy he made me feel that way even when I didn’t see it.
“I love you so much, Louie” I said, while we were laying naked on this bed somewhere in the middle of the ocean. We were two little spots on the middle of this huge planet but for that moment it felt like we were the only one. That was the way he make me feel and by the way he was looking at me, I’m sure he feels the same way with me.
“I love you too, Hazz. Thank you” He replied. We fell sleep on each other’s arms. It was the perfect night for the perfect trip.
LOUIE POV
Harry loved the trip. He was the mainly reason why I decided to do this. I wanted to see him being excited about living, even when he had a few months left. Everything went amazing on this trip. Harry and I had our romantic moments and we all shared amazing family memories. It also made me wish we had more time to do this. It made me angry that we would never see this again, at least not with Harry. Just the thought of missing out on him made me feel like dying.
South America was the most amazing place ever. It was nothing like what we were used to. Everything was completely different and exciting. On the streets, people wouldn’t recognize us and it felt amazing. We were just this family walking down a street. I loved it.
I started to grow an anxious feeling as the day to come home began to approach. I didn’t want this to end, I knew what was waiting for me at home. I tried my best to hide my concerns, I didn’t want to ruin our trip with my stupid fears and emotions. But Harry, of course, catch up with me. One night we were at our hotel room, it was late and the babies were sleeping.
I was sitting, watching the city from our window. I was thinking about how we always waited for things. When we came here as One Direction, we said we would like to come back and enjoy it a little bit more. Now I was here but Harry was sick and I was probably going to lose him very soon. We always assume we have time until we realize we don’t at all.
“Hello, babe.” Harry said, sitting next to me. I could see in his face he was in pain. It killed me to know there was nothing I could do.
“Hazz, how are you feeling?” I replied. We had this amazing view from our room.
“I loved taking a nap, if you ask me. Aren’t you tired?” He asked. I got suddnely lost on his deep green eyes.
“No, I cant sleep.” I said. He knew something was up.
“Well, look at that. It’s a full moon night! This stupid moon keeps following us all over the world!” He said, smiling. Showing off the dimples I fell in love with ages ago.
“I know, that moon will hunt me forever” I said, unable to hide the rush of emotions I was feeling.
We went silent for a while. Harry approached and made me lay on his chest. I didn’t want to cry so I made my best effort not to.
“You know I will always be with you, right?” He asked me. The truth is I didn’t know and that was exactly what scared me the most.
“How?” I replied.
“Well, in the full moon for example. I will be with you on the chocolate you love to eat and everytime someone is brilliant at cooking, I’ll be somewhere smiling. I’ll be with you in the songs we sang together and on the first time we kissed and made love. I will be with you on our kids, who will take care of you and love you no matter what… And I will be with you on all the memories we’ve had.” He said. I could hear his voice shattering and I was already crying. I stood up from his chest and asked him something I wanted to know.
“Are you scared now, Harry?” He took a while to answer.
“No, babe. I’m not scared anymore. I know there’s something out there, something more. And I know I will watch over you and our kids when I get there. I also know you’ll be fine, you’ll discover you have way more strength than you thought you did. The only thing is I am sad to leave you and the kids. I’m sorry, Lou. If I had any other choice, I would grab it but this… being sick, feeling like shit isn’t living.” He said. It hurt me a lot to know he felt just as powerless as me.
“I’m so, so glad to hear you’re not scared anymore. You’ll be fine, you’ll keep fighting this and we will see what happens… but you’ll be okay.” I approached him and kissed him.
“You have been the love of my life, Louie. I hope you know that. There are many things I wish I would’ve done differently in my life but you and our family, I would do it all over again.” He said. He closed his eyes and cried a little bit. “I guess we’re finally having our time to say goodbye.”
I didn’t answer to that. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to think this could be the last time we said this things to each other.
“I’m so pissed off, Harry” I said. “I don’t understand any of this. Why you? Why us? Did we do something wrong?” I asked.
“I know, Lou. So am I but this is life and what you get is what you get. We cant change that. I know I promised we would have a time to yell or get angry but I don’t think that way anymore. The time we invest on yelling we could invest on making out or being with the kids, you know?” He was right. I knew he was right. At the end I decided to let it go and enjoy the few days we had left.
The rest of our vacation together went on quickly. I made sure the kids would know what was going to happen with Harry. They were kids but they weren’t dumb and we didn’t want to treat them as they were. Harry told me one day that he wanted his kids involved with everything. Not because he wanted to make them suffer but because he didn’t want them to have doubts later on and he wouldn’t be able to talk them through. They knew their father was going to die. They didn’t fully understand why but the truth is none of us did and we decided we weren’t going to pretend it wasn’t the case.
The flight back home was a little heartbreaking. The kids and us knew what we were coming back to. Harry was obviously less and less strong. We even had to get him a wheelchair. He couldn’t walk around for too long without being on pain. Of course, I wish I could say here and now that it didn’t crush his spirit to not be able to walk when we came back home but the truth is it did. Still, every now and then he would crush me with a smile or by carrying one of our kids around in his lap. Even sick, he was my little sunshine.
One night, we were all sleeping and I was holding him. His screaming woke me up. I was terrified. I thought the time finally came to pass.
“Babe, what is it?” I asked, trying to find what he was screaming about.
“It’s my stomach, it’s hurting too much!” He said yelling and craving.
I stood up, turn on the lights and called an ambulance. After that I called Liam. He would always pick up the phone when I rang him in the middle of the night.
“It’s Harry. He’s in a lot of pain. I need someone to watch the kids for me, can you please come by?” I told Liam by the phone. He said he’d be with us before the ambulance came.
“Babe, they’re coming. Please try to hold on.” I begged him. He was now throwing up.
“Okay, okay. I’m fine, Lou. Talk to me about anything… please.” He said, trying his best to calm down.
I took his head and rest it on my shoulder and held back my tears. “You’re beautiful, Hazz. You know that? You’re like a superhero, like a crazy superhero who has an award winning smile and dimples that made me feel things and I love you so, so, so much and our kids love you too. They are just like you already” I said, touching gently his hair. He was breathing heavily and I felt his tears falling on my shoulder like bullets. “You’ve changed my life, Harry. You’ve made me better and stronger and please hold on, okay?” I heard the ambulance approaching. He opened his eyes and looked at me.
“I love you too, Lou” He said on the weakest voice I’ve ever heard.
They rush him to the hospital. Liam got there just in time. Our kids slept quietly on their room. They didn’t woke up, thank God.
“Take care of them!” I yelled at Liam while I got into the ambulance, grabbing my little one’s hand. He was weakly holding my hand. I prayed with all my heart that he didn’t die that night.
I waited and waited until the doctor came. The same doctor I never liked.
“Louis, hi. Harry is okay for now. His cancer is spreading and tonight that’s what happened, that’s what you saw. Like I said, he is terminal and this is just the cancer taking over. I’m sorry –like he meant it- we will give him some pain meds and now it’s time to wait. His moments of lucidness will come shorter and shorter, you need to get your family ready. We’ll make sure he’s not in pain. If you want to take him home, which is probably what you want to do, the hospital will provide you of a bed and a nurse so everything is ready for the right time.” Oh my God. It was time. I couldn’t believe it. It was time for him to go. I had to let him go. I sat there and cried. Then I got myself together and went to see him. I explained it to him on the best way I could. He knew it, he hugged me and made me promise him we would like the nurse and all the meds for the pain but not the bed. He hated those beds with all his heart.
After that, we took him home. Now, irrevocably attached to this wheelchair. Still, I knew he wasn’t scared and he would still joke around. For about a week, family members and friends came over. They wanted to enjoy the Harry Style’s show while it was still on town. I respected that.
But after all the condolneces, we decided we wanted to spend time with the kids. Again, just us. One night after a really, really long day buying us some time, Harry and I went outside. He couldn’t go anywhere without his wheelchair so I pushed him to the yard and stood there. Once again, we were watching the stupid moon reflecting on the stupid lake.
“Do you like this, babe?” I asked him.
“I always have, Lou. I always will.” He replied. “Do you like it?”
“Like I said a while ago, that moon will haunt me forever.”
“Hey, I made something for you…” He showed me over his blanket two notebooks, quite big with scratches on them. “It’s about us. I’ve been remembering and writing all about us and I want you to have it. If one day you feel lonely or you miss me, you can read them and realize I make some fantastic jokes and remind yourself that I love you so, so much…” He said, smiling.
I didn’t say a word, I just stood up and kneeled before him, I hugged him with everything I had. “Thank you, Hazz. I wish there was something I could give to you but…” He interrupted me.
“You, Louis Tomlinson, gave me the best life and the most amazing love anyone could ever ask for. And not even death can take that away from us.” I started crying.
“Well, you did the same, Hazz. Thank you so much for this. Thank you for being such an amazing human being, thank you.” I said. I couldn’t look at him. He noticed and grabbed my chin and kissed me on the lips.
We stayed there all night, just watching the sky until I realized Harry was falling sleep so I took him inside.
That was the last time we saw the moon together.
After that day, everything the doctors told us became true. Harry began to fade away. He would sleep almost the entire day. I would freak out about it, I was too scared and every now and then I would go up to our room and check if he was still breathing. It was incredibly scary.
But when he woke up, it was amazing. He was all cheery and would spend all his time with us, telling us he loved us and just having fun with us. One afternoon Liam, Zayn and Niall stopped by. We were all heartbroken that Harry was so sick but we wouldn’t talk about it.
They came to take some tea and chat. Harry was cold all the time so he was wrapped up with a bunch of blankets and since the pain got worse, he was taking a bunch of pills that made this lucid moments brief. But this afternoon, it was really good. He was in great spirits and everything was awesome. Harry was so excited we were having them and the kids, who loved them, were really happy too.
We bought some food –Harry couldn’t cook anymore- and sat around the table. We talked about a bunch of things that really didn’t matter. Every now and then they would have this sad face and I would try to ignore it, Harry was holding my hand the entire time and for some reason now more than ever those things really mattered. We talked until I realized Harry was sleepy. He wouldn’t say a word but I knew. I didn’t know if he was too tired to say anything or if he just didn’t want to bother us.
I looked at Liam. “Okay, I think we gotta go.” Liam said. “But we’ll come back, okay?” He said, looking at Harry who was fighting to stay awake.
“Sure, mate.” Harry replied.
Zayn and Niall just stood up, with the saddest look upon their faces. They both hugged Harry. I knew pretty well how scary was holding him. You could feel his bones sticking out. I looked at them. I truly liked seeing them together. We weren’t young anymore but I liked to see them and just remember everything we lived together.
I approached Harry and grabbed his hand, smiling at him. “Hey, lads…” He said in this really week voice. “I really, really appreciate you being here. I love you loads. You’re awesome” He smiled and then changed his expression. “You are my best friends in the entire world. And you were part of the greatest years of my life.” I looked up at Liam and the rest of the guys. They were all about to cry.
Liam approached Harry’s wheelchair. “We love you too, mate. You keep fighting and being strong, okay? This is not over so let’s not talk like that.” He said, then he touched Harry’s face and removed a tear from my husband’s face. I hated how this whole thing sounded like a goodbye.
Harry approached Liam’s face and whispered, “Take good care of him, okay?” He said it loud enough so I could hear it but not loud enough for the rest of the guys to hear it. “You know I will… But don’t worry about it now.” Then I touched his head and went straight to the guys and said goodbye. They all tried to encourage me. Telling me not to lose my hope and to be strong.
We were all crying, none of us could believe he was slipping right out of our hands. “We’ll talk tomorrow” Zayn promised.
It was the last time we had a dinner all together.
After that our life pretty much was staying up watching movies and just being as together as we possibly could. I didn’t want to leave him alone, not for one second and hated it everytime I had to leave him alone. It terrfidied me that he might die alone.
Then the day came. Of course, none of us had any idea it was going to be the day. We woke up just like any other day. Even after a million years together, I loved waking up and seeing Harry’s body next to me. It meant the world. I kissed him on the lips and woke him up like that. He loved that.
“Hello, sweetie.” He said, after he opened his eyes. And gave me one of those award wining smiles of his.
“Morning, babe” I replied, feeling the butterflies messing with my belly. “I know I’m not such an amazing chef but do you want breakfast?” It was a tricky question. He was rarely hungry but today was different. I could feel it.
“As long as you make it, I’m pretty sure I’ll love it.” He replied.
“What do you want, Hazz?” I asked, while I stood up and put my pants on. Our kids were staying at my mom’s house. Sometimes, on Harry’s last days, he would be out most of the time and I would have to look after him. Clean him, cook for him. We decided it would be a good idea to have the kids going away a couple days a week, just to make it easier for all of us.
He put his hand on the backside of his head, showing off what once were his strong arms. “I want a mountain of pancakes. Most of which you will eat but I just want to make you smile” He said. For whatever the reason, I stood there just staring at him. For a second I saw him as a young, healthy man again. “Lou, are you okay?” He asked me when he realized I wasn’t moving.
I came back to this reality. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. So, pancakes right? And I bet a cup of tea?” I smiled and left him.
When I finished, I went outside and found him laying in our bed. He was looking perfect to me with the sun lighting him up. We ate our breakfast at bed. He was smiling and got the light of his eyes brighter than I ever seen in a long time. After he ate some pancakes and drank his tea, I turned on the tv.
“Lou, can we go outside today?” He asked, looking through our window to the beautiful day outside.
“You want to go now, Hazz? You know how you feel after breakfast…” I replied. He usually got sick after any meal.
“Yes, I’m feeling great. I want to go outside with you.” He said.
If that’s what he wanted then I was going to make it happen for him. We got ready, I placed Harry on his wheelchair and we headed outside.
“Isnt this beautiful, Lou? Don’t you absolutely love it?” He asked, while staring at the clouds and the grass and the flowers. He was on a really good spirit, like I said.
I stopped and looked at him in the eye, “This is the perfect view, Hazz” He blushed. He was so cute.
We were walking around when he asked me what I was thinking about. “I don’t know, love. I’m enjoying being here with you. I love this. I love you… What are you thinking about?” I asked.
“Life. I am thinking about my life. I’m being thankful.” He replied. I’ve got to say it scared me a little but I was too happy and excited to think about it.
“What are you being thankful for, love?” I asked.
“I’m thankful for this life, Lou. I’m thankful I’m with you and we have the kids. I’m really happy” He made me stop and made me look at him. “I’m thankful for your life, Lou.” He kissed me with one of those kisses that took my breath away. “I love you, babe”. Then he asked me to take him inside. Even taking a ride on this wheelchair he hated made him tired. It was something I couldn’t comprehend.
“Can you please call your mom and bring our kids home? I want to see them” He asked me while I put him back in bed. “I’m going to take a nap but please, don’t hesitate on waking me up when they get here.” He said. “Thank you so much for everything you do, Lou.” Then he fell sleep.
When the kids finally got home, I asked them to wash their hands and get ready to have fun with us. We were such a happy family. I went upstairs and found Harry sleeping. I touched his hair and woke him up.
“The kids are here, babe” I told him on a low voice. “Are you ready to see them?”
“Sure, can we eat and watch some movies?” He asked.
“Of course, babe. I’ll cook something and then we’ll come here.”
I went downstairs and told them to go say hi to Harry and wait for me there. I asked them to take care of him, they always helped me with taking care of him.
While I was cooking, I could hear Harry talking to them and laughing. Our house wasn’t small but it had the most dramatically thin walls. I was smiling at the fact that they were talking to each other and having fun.
“Dad, what’s going to happen when you go?” I overheard our boy ask him. I stopped what I was doing and froze for a second.
“Nothing will happen, superhero. You’ll take care of each other and you’ll take care of Lou because you know he loves you so, so much, right?” I started to feel my view clouded. I was crying. I couldn’t understand why this whole thing was happening to us and I couldn’t understand why Harry was so concerned about me.
“Yeah, we know.” Our little girl answered. “And you’ll be up in the sky?” She asked.
“Of course. I’m going to be watching over all of you. And you’ll never be alone because I’ll be with you” He replied. He sounded so sure, so calm. I tried to cook as slowly as I could. It felt like it was a time between Harry and our kids.
“I don’t want you to go, daddy” I heard our little boy tearing up. It broke my heart.
“I don’t want to leave you either, little guy but it’s not up to me. But don’t worry, like I said Lou loves you and he will take care of you and love you like I would.” He continued. “Oh, and there’s something else you should know. One day, Lou will have someone to love like he loved me. He will bring that person here and you’ll have to make him feel welcomed as long as he treats Lou right, okay? It might feel weird at first but I approve. You don’t need to be faithful or anything towards me. If he doesn’t make him happy, then you have the right to kick that person out of this house, you hear me?” He said and they laughed.
“But we will always have him, right daddy?” Our little girl asked.
“Of course, nothing in this world will take him away from you. He loves you a lot, we both do.” He said.
“We will miss you a lot, dad.”
“I will miss you too, just remember I’ll always be with you.” He said. I could hear him crying too. “Now give me a hug and go find Louie so we can eat now!”
I cleaned my face from all the tears and our boy came to find me. He helped me take everything upstairs and as soon as I saw Harry on bed playing with our little girl, I smiled.
“You finally came, love! I’m starving.” I approached him and kissed him.
“I love you, Hazz” I whispered. Our kids were watching us and I felt like we were perfect together.
I hugged him and we ate this amazing dinner and played around with each other. At the end of that day, Harry was exhausted. I took our kids to bed, they said goodbye to Harry and just after they left Harry called them again and kissed them. “I love you both, remember that. And also don’t forget what we talked about today.” He said. I knew what he was talking about and I felt a terrifying feeling all over my body.
I closed the door and helped him get ready to get into bed. When I was undressing him and helping him change, he stopped me. “Lou, did you hear what I told our kids today?” He asked. I had no idea if I was supposed to say the truth or just lie to him. At the end, I decided I was going with the truth.
“Our walls, Hazz. They’re too thin. I actually have no idea how our kids have been pulling for our nights of passion and craziness” He smiled.
“It’s true. What I said, its true.”
“I know it is, Hazz. Thank you so much for being so brave.” I kissed his forehead.
“Thank you, Lou. I love you forever…” He said and lay down. “I’m cold, wrap me up” He said, smiling.
I hugged him and tried my best to make him warm even thought I knew it wasn’t going to happen.
“I feel loved, Lou” He whispered.
“You are loved, Hazz. Rest now.” I said.
“Okay. See you tomorrow, babe. I love you.” he said slowly, whispering.
He fell sleep on my arms and I know I will wait for ‘tomorrow’ the rest of my life. Harry Edward Styles died that night. His heart just stopped. He finally rested. It was horrible, the whole thing but he died on my arms and that was good enough for me. The kids were sad but they were way more confident about Harry being okay than me. They were my comforters.
Dying is awful. It’s incomprehensible, it has no reasons at all. But I was glad, even with all my pain and sorrow, that Harry and I had this life. That I met him. That I loved him. That I fought the bravest and most amazing fights of my life next to him.
His funeral and everything seemed unreal. I think the hardest part was talking. I stood there, in front of my friends and his friends, in front of his family and mine. I tried my best to portrait the person he was. I tried my best to say he was okay now, that he wasn’t in pain and that things were going to look up. I truly believed that. I knew Harry would smile at me from heaven. I tried my best to ignore the Modest Management representative who was at his funeral. I was trying to keep myself together, clinging to a hope and this assholes weren’t going to screw it up for me. It helped me to imagine Harry laughing at them and killing me with his dimples and his crazy attitude.
At first everything felt like a deep confusion. I had no idea what was happening, I just knew my kids were there and I had to take care of them. Harry was a deeply loved person so everyone felt his death. But one thing I definitely learned from his death was that life keeps on going. It doesn’t wait for you to get up. It doesn’t wait for you to get your shit together. It keeps going. My kids were still growing, I was still alive and all I had left of Harry was my memories of him and all his stuff on our house. I had to pick myself up and keep on going. Holding on tight to his promise that he would look after me.
At first, sleeping in the same bed he passed was a living hell. I would fall sleep, thinking I was still holding him. It was insane. The pain, for me, was something I never recovered from. It was a constant reminder of what happened.
One day, after I put my kids to bed, I started to look into Harry’s stuff. I wanted to get it out, I wanted to cry a bit and go to bed. I thought that maybe that would help me out, to get it out. Among his things, I found this diary he gave me. I took it and an embelope fell from it.
I picked it up and it said “Lou” written on it. I opened it. It was a letter from him.
“Lou,
If you’re reading this it probably means I’m already up… somewhere up. I wanted to write you something because I know that by now you must be an emotional wreck and chances are I cant deal with it from up here. If I were with you, I would hug you but please be sure I hug you everytime I can. Even if you cant feel me. So anyway, this is my goodbye letter. I know, it sucks. But I want you to have this to remind yourself that I love you, more than anything in the world. I want to apologize for leaving you. I know this is unbearable, I know you feel like dying every single day. But this will pass and there will be a time when this will only be one small thing among all the amazing things we lived. Please, trust me. It will pass. I cant think about everything we went through together and not smile about it. We were two heroes who fought hard and finally had the life we wanted. We had this amazing adventure together. Thank you, Louis Tomlinson, for everything you did for me. Thank you so, so much. I love you, forever. You gave me everything you had and nothing will ever change that.
Please know you will never be alone, I will always be with you. Just go outside, watch the moon over the lake and smile for me babe cause believe me, I will be there. Even if I have to fight a couple of angels and rebel against God. I will be with you forever.
We had such an adventure, little one. Now, go on and have a new one. Get ready, get excited cause you will have a long, long way to go. Teach our kids to be just like you and I know they will be angels sent to save someone. Just like you are to me. You have an amazing road ahead of you.
Be brave. Be courageous. Be free.
I love you, my little angel.
Forever yours,
Hazz.”
I was crying but I felt a warm embrace even when I was crying. I made up my mind that my little boy was holding me.
I went outside and sat on the place we always sat with Harry. I looked up. It was a full moon night. I smiled knowing he was with me. “I love you, Hazz.” I said.
I could swear to God I heard him say “I love you too”. I stayed there until I was sleepy and went inside.
EPILOGUE.
I’m writing this from a lost beach at South America. I’ve been here, spending my last days as a 90 year old man. I’m standing here, watching the sea in the background and thinking about my life. All the people I missed. I’m thinking about Harry, even after all this years, I still feel him sometimes. But now it’s different. A few years after he died, I met a man. At first I didn’t want to like him or think about loving him but I did. He’s a good man and I remembered what I promised Harry. I had to love again. My kids are no longer kids. They’re adults, with their own lives and kids as well. My life is now complete and with every broken bone I can say I lived.
My entire life flashes before my eyes. I realize I’m going to die next to a man I love and Harry’s wishes come alive. Everything I wanted comes to me.
I close my eyes and feel the warm and salty air upon my face. Suddenly, I’m 18 again. The picture of a 16 year old guy appears. The curly, green eyed, wide smile boy. He smiles at me. We’re on a stage.
“Are you ready, Lou?” He’s so beautiful.
“I’m always ready, Hazza!” I answer.
The curtain opens and we’re in front of 20.000 people. We’re with our best friends, we start to sing. The curly hair boy smiles at me and winks. He mouths “I love you”, I blush and look down. He’s perfect. He’s perfect to me.