I’ve been with you since you were little.
I've seen you smile. I've seen you being so joyous with people and other beings and how you laughed so hard with simple things. I've seen you being happy alone yet begun feeling lonely as the day turns to dusk and saw how you cried so hard every night because of being forlorn. But I guess that only stayed for a night since by the next day you were smiling from ear to ear like you have the luckiest day for the first time.
You have me, always. I witnessed all of your happenings in life.
I've known the people who were there for you during your night times and those who left. I know it hurts because they left us without a doubt. I know all of your secrets. I know how you loved that someone before, yet still showed you the dark sides of falling in love. I know how you hated a lot of familiar faces, judged them, cussed, and blamed them. All of these became nothing because even a single word was never uttered. It was never heard, aside from me and you.
I saw the time you were so depressed and I hated myself for I can't help you. It was hard for me too. You wanted to shut everything, you wanted the world to end, you wanted to blame everyone because it's their fault and guess what? They never heard you for the second time, because nobody cared, but I do. I really do.
I want to bring your smile back again, it's beautiful. I want you to wait for the rainbow even if it still rains. I want to make you feel that you're already enough for me. I want to see your pleasant face every time I glimpse on the mirror from far away. I want to give you love, the love you deserve, deeper than the ocean.
I want to give you the world but I can't. I want you to have the best. Always the best.
It hurts me like hell because every time I'm cheering for you, you're pushing me away. You're tirelessly shouting at me and not even listening as I calm you down. You were listening and following to your own monsters than me. What happened? I am the one who's there for you ever since. We had the same thought always, right? You loved me, I know, I felt it many times. We made great memories together but it all faded in just a blink of an eye. I hated this feeling. I hate it because I love you. I always do.
All you have is me.
I offered everything to you because for you I am willing to do anything. I can treat you like nobody else can. Nevertheless, you still threw me like nothing. I am the one who's there and you're looking for somebody else, and that makes me sick. You're giving them love and all I received from you was ocean of hatred.
Why, self? Why are doing this to me? To yourself. How did you forget me? Why are you forgetting yourself? Can't you make time for me again? Can't you love me more than you love anybody else? Can't you wake up in the middle of the night praying for me instead of thinking about your monsters that have been running around you?
You're alone in the dark as I am telling this to you, and you keep on whispering to me, "Who are you?”
I saw that coming. I knew you'd ask that 'cause you already forgotten who I am.
"Please. Save me." You whispered again. I am in deep woe like it's killing me.
I promised to that Man above that I'll always look unto you and keep you away from those demons you have inside.
"Whoever you are, please save me. The monsters are calling me again and I can't help it." It's you again, whispering.
"I am you. You are me. You're talking to yourself." I said.
You woke up from a nightmare. You put your hand in your chest, and for the nth time I saw the water rushing fast down on your face.
You're crying, again.
Even in your dreams, you have forgotten me.
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Cover photo by Agnes Cecile