10 Things I Thought About While The Dentist Is Pulling My Teeth Off

1. You

2. Should I take off my glasses? 

3. I've read somewhere that pain is just chemicals
That numbness are just nerve ends breaking down
How everything can be all scientific and mathematical
Including love or heartbreak or this... Whatever this is or how disturbing it sounds

4. I've been here for 35 minutes now
Those before me have left in just ten
Maybe I just have a knack for making things longer than it should be 
Maybe I have some superpower of slowing down the things around me
Maybe I am fussing more than I should
Maybe I am just too difficult
"Time Dilation" explains that moving clocks happen to tick slower than uniform and unmoving clocks
And I wonder how it doesn't make any sense
And I wander through the streets and intersections of my mind wanting to find something. 
A memory. A sign. A moment. Only to get lost in it. 
Why does one doesn't stop moving when lost? 

5. We are all so fortunate of the probability, the "maybe"s. 
It makes us all sound unaccountable
Yet gives us the bragging rights when we are right
We all get away with it
With shattered hope left behind
We are burglars that use false hope to pick the lock
Maybe there is a difference between being let in and forcing the knob
But who gives a fuck? 
Or maybe. Just maybe. By some reason. Maybe I'm wrong. 

6. I haven't written anything for 4 months now. Until this. 
This is not saying that the idea of you melted the ice that froze my fingers
This is not to say you broke a curse
I just happen to think of you while the dentist is pulling my teeth off, and trust me, it is not because it hurts
So many things are beyond what is felt
It is not because it took SO long
Not all things can be compared

And I thought how you somehow deserve a poem
For better or for worse 
But not really enough to deserve the rhymes
Because let's not forget that you still broke my heart, you see
So many people think of time as a train at a constant speed that runs the track for forever 
So many died waiting for it to stop
Gravity is a constant acceleration
A magnetism that grows stronger as you get closer,
Nine point eight meter per second squared
But nobody talks about it don't they? 
It doesn't matter how long you were in the air 
Nobody thinks you're flying
Or how sharp the wind that blows your hair
Only two things are important;
Where you jumped
And how the blood splattered when you hit the ground

7. It is much easier to not remember 
To learn from no mistakes
To tie a string from your tooth to the knob and just kick the fucking door
Sometimes memories aren't just ghosts, they are landmines 
You keep stepping on them because it doesn't hurt
Until you are way too deep to climb back up
You already know there's nothing in there
Just fossils and artifacts and rocks
But suddenly, everything is a thing of the past
And yes, too many years has passed since then
But I remember 
And I know how much easier it is not to
But I still do

8. On the day I first told you I love you, you did not say anything
And I did not do or say anything either
I let the silence settle like the dust in corners of the pages
I read the silence like a dead language I could never understand
I heard the silence like a wail of a speeding train still to come
Not knowing if it will take me somewhere or just here to pass me by
Whatever it is, it kept me waiting
I let it become an endless string of metaphors 
I let it be the hope I could hold onto
I let the silence bend and twist into anything and everything it could be except what it truly is — nothing

9. They told me that I was really head over heels that time
Maybe I really was
Maybe love is something I stumbled upon while walking down the stairs 
Forced me into the air and maybe pushed me into a somersault for a little flare

And then I stop
Lungs filled with air but holding my breath 
This is love
Defying gravity. Buying time for you to save the day and catch me
This is love
They ask me how does weightlessness feels like
I answer it is much like a gravity except it doesn't just drags you down, it drags you everywhere 
This is love

Time Dilation explains that moving clocks tick slower than uniform clocks
I am a living proof
I have been in the air for so long that there's too much momentum
I have traveled through space but still orbiting around you
I have burned through stratospheres, all my thoughts were left as dust
And all of it slowly, I burned slow, walked slow, accelerating slowly
A hundred light-years per minute
But it never mattered
Everyone talked about how the boy shaped like an asteroid brought extinction to the world he found
Nobody said anything how it took me three long fucking years just to hit the ground 

10. On the day I last told you I love you
I also asked if I should stop "this" 
Whatever this is and how disturbing it sounds 
And you replied "maybe" like the burglar we all are
You already picked the lock on your way in, are you picking your way out? 
I told you I can't accept a maybe, is it a maybe yes or a maybe no
You answered, 

This is not a sad poem because of the rejection that you let the world to show
This is not a hate poem for making me wait three goddammed years just to say no
This is not an elegy of grieving for the ones who is still alive
For losing what was never mine
For breaking and entering yet take nothing from me
For building up hope like some house of cards just to destroy it completely 

This is not a tragedy
Because tragedy are ones which is impossible to get over with
No matter how hard the rain that tries to wash it away
Or how loud the scream of the stars
This is not a tragedy just because it left some scars

You see, this is the easy part, where there is no longer waiting
Where just the act of falling tears you apart
And until now, I haven't really thought through if I regret that or not
But for now, this is all that I have

That moment where you realize you do not have enough bones to walk but enough to stand up
And see the ruins of what you've done
When for the first time you have no choice but to stop moving
Time dilation explains that moving clocks tick slower than uniform clocks
And by now you should have realized that you will never have a clear view of something 
The ones you never had a clear angle because of the fall
Now, blurs past you
And you were okay with that
I am okay
Because this is how it is supposed to be right? 

Ruins become landmarks
Moments become memories
And not everything changes and turns into something else but instead, they disappear 
And that is how I remember you
Maybe in another poem they will marvel the color of your eyes or your way with words
But I do not know that

Because this is a poem of what I thought and what I still remember 
Before the dentist washes her hands
Before she says it is over
Before I pay her for taking something away from me
Before I walk away
Before I forgot how it hurts

I know I could make this poem a little better.
But maybe I don't want this to be one of my best poems.
Right now it is just a poem that got me out of the freaking writer's block after 4 loooong months.