Honestly, I don't even know what's on my mind right now. Because tonight is just another night when everything is just so messy. No, I did not have a bad day. Nor having my mood swings. I guess something's really off these days. Or maybe I am just overthinking things. Things in the past. Things I should really forget.
I scrolled in my news feed on my Twitter account right after I finished watching the last episode of the korean drama "Reply 1988" then saw pictures of the different people in my life. They all seem happy. Seeing those smiles in their selfies, having those heart eyes emojis as their captions, and reading those joyful tweets. And of course, I felt happy for them. They once had a piece of my heart. But somehow, I started to feel lonelier. Emptier. Sadder? If that's even a valid word to describe how I feel right now.
When will I ever have the friend who would take selfies with me and post it on their account and tell the world, or maybe just their friends or followers, how happy they are to spend the day with me? Or a boyfriend who will show me off to his world? Even though I'm really not the "ideal" type of a girlfriend. Or parents who would really be proud of me? Parents who would find my efforts enough even though my works aren't as good as others or even though other's outputs are so much better than mine? Sisters who would love to have a good time with me even though my interests are different from theirs? Or brothers who would love to annoy me but will never let a single thing hurt me?
I know I should appreciate what I have right now. I know I should still consider myself lucky for having my friends, my family, my special someone. But how can I convince myself how lucky I am when I feel loneliest when I'm with them?
I hate to say these things because it will always seem like I'm complaining about my life but actually, I am not. I'm saying these things to lighten up. So that tomorrow, I'd have the courage to continue my life. To treat the ones I love as if they were the greatest gifts God had given me.