I Want To Live.

October 24, 2023

I’m used to playing by myself. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years by myself. Tis the fate of an only child. I could only see my cousins every summer, all soul’s day break, and Christmas break. As for my classmates, I never really played with them after dismissal. I was always keen on going straight home as soon as the bell rang, because I had Asian dramas and anime to watch. I didn’t have lunch with them either, because I always had lunch with my mom. It was more practical… I think.

So my cousins had friends of their own, back home. And my classmates had an inner circle that I wasn’t part of. During those formative years, it didn’t bother me as much. But now I’ve realized that that may be the reason why I’m weird and different. I grew up in a household full of adults. I had no one to play with. During childhood, the television was my babysitter. In my teen years, I fell into the deep abyss of the internet and became a Cybernaut.

Now that I’m older, I’ve started craving for human connections. The internet is not as interesting and as fun as it used to be. Now, I want to experience life. I want to do fun things with people. I’m old enough now, and I have the liberty of doing what I feel like doing. But who the hell do I do it with? My cousins and friends live far away, and they’ve only got one day off from work. Who am I to ask them to spend their long weekends with me?

I can go to movies alone, eat alone, and stroll around in the mall by myself. It’s fun and I’m used to being alone. But there are things that I want to experience, that needs the company of other people. Horror movies are more fun to watch when you have someone to scream with. Carnival rides are more exciting when you have someone to scream with. Concerts are more enjoyable when you have someone to scream with. Basically, I really just want to scream with other people.

Strolling around in a zoo or in a museum by yourself is fun. But you know what would be more fun? Having someone to take pictures with. I’m even fine with not having any pictures, as long as I have someone to share the moment with.

I want to sing and dance and do stupid shit with my friends. I want to get drunk. I want to fall in love. I want to have my heart broken. I want my friends to then bring me a tub of ice cream and watch sappy romcoms with me. I want to laugh straight from the heart. I want to smile genuinely, and have my cheeks hurt from all the smiling. I want to talk about fun memories with loved ones. I want to look at photo albums and reminisce about all those fun moments.

I don’t want to have an album filled with just selfies, of pictures of places. I want pictures with loved ones. I want to be able to grow old with smile lines, and tell my grandchildren that I lived a good life. I want to be able to tell the world that I LIVED.

I don’t want to spend my dying days, just remembering how I was always just at home, by myself. Even though most days I say that I want to disappear from the face of the earth. I keep saying I just want to die, to end my suffering. But when I had a dream that I was dying, I told the grim reaper that I wanted to live.