2018

I read this quote somewhere. It says,

"I refuse to step into 2018 with 2017 problems."

It totally made an impact on me. I have so many unresolved issues and I think there is really no point in waiting anymore for things to change.

I should totally change habits. I tend to space out a lot or just waste time on something so unproductive. Seriously, I miss my old self. I have passion before. I have bottomless curiosity. Im innocent and I guess, a little bit naive but I dont really see it as a flaw. I have endless imagination. And aside from those, I have unlimited pure and deep love to give that's not tainted with insecurity, anxiety, and possessiveness. I know my worth and what I deserve back then.

I guess I was true to my words till the end.

"Gusto kita. Alam ko sa simula pa lang na gusto kita. Kahit na ano pang ipakita mo, alam kong matatanggap ko yun. Ikaw na yung napili ko eh." It was such a consuming feeling.

He consumes my thoughts and my desires. He consumes my time and future. He consumes my poems and stories. It was uncontrollable sometimes. And it's hard all the time to bear such unrequited feelings.

That feeling of wanting to be with someone but you dont even cross his mind even just a single second. That feeling of wanting to hold his hand but he cant even look at you when you two cross paths. That feeling of wanting to get close to him because the lack of touch is unbearable and you just miss him so much but he cant even message you to at least say hi or ask how have you been. That feeling of wanting to be a part of his life that there would not be a day that his name would not touch your lips but he cant even utter your name. He does not even care about your welfare or at least when he knows you are waiting for a reply. He does not even think you are worth the truth or an explanation or an apology when something goes wrong between the two of you.

Simply because you are irrelevant. On the other hand, he is so important to you. If you would ask me now what love is, this would be my answer:

"Love is such an irrational feeling. It would consume you if you are vulnerable however, it would serve as a fuel if you are strong enough to carry it. It is both complicated and simple. It will both rock your world or put it into place. It is warm and fuzzy if you find it from someone who have the same as yours. But it could also be cold and harsh just like mine."

So many things happened this 2017 that totally changed me. My heart was not the only thing that broke but also my family, and my trust.

This coming 2018, I may not be able to fix everything but I hope I manage to at least have some progress.