Ladder

This semester made me realized so many things about myself.

It made me look of who I was half a decade ago. Well, that's the most I can remember in my life. And it made look at what kind of a person I am now.

From being an existentialist, nihilistic, reserved, hopeless romantic, anti-social, asexual, pessimistic, and depressive to someone who is almost the opposite.

So many things have changed and shifted. So many people influenced me to be who I am now. College and the knowledge I gained from it made me change my views. Challenges made me questioned my principles and morality.

From opposing the beliefs of society, I started sharing their beliefs.

From being cold and snobbish, I turned warm and inviting.

From being so negative, I learned to be positive but still, I am plague by constant anxiety.

From a constant topnotcher in academics, I learned to procrastinate and cram my school works.

From daydreaming with roses and love, I became realistic with relationships. And really stupid. I guess development is not always progressive. It does not always go upward.

I guess the last two are what I dont like the most. Haha. It is hard changing both behaviors once you acquired them. I was pretty good with decision making when it comes to choosing the people I want to be a part of my life. I am logical and skeptical. To say that I am selective is like an understatement. I like my own company but there would be times that you cant help but yearn for someone who can be true to you. Humans, after all, are social beings. But when I was younger, I resisted wanting those connections. I think they are ephemeral and therefore, it does not make any sense to invest into someone who would not stay that long in your life.

Another thing that changed about me is that, I dont invest that much to people anymore. I learned to limit my emotional attachment by acknowledging the fact that we dont really have any deep connection. But it's hard to accept that fact when you are not asexual anymore.

I learned to have romantic feelings for someone. It was the hardest thing for me. Until now, Im still pretty stupid about it. If there is only a course about romantic relationships, I would have been dismissed by my first semester. I used to think that people who cant just end a relationship when it's obviously not meant for them are stupid but now, Im in their position and I realized that it's not just stupidity and irrationality but it is really not easy.

I like the person a lot. We broke up. We met again. I thought at first that maybe this would be a second chance for us. But I guess not. Perhaps, this would be just a second heartbreak for the same guy. He used to adore, respect, and want me. But as much as I want to brush everything as Im just overthinking, I know his feelings have changed in that four months separation. A part of me mourns for that part of him who disappeared while another part of me cries for my unrequited feelings.

I dont know. To be honest, Im just risking things because I wanted to know. I dont really think that Im wasting time with him because I dont have any regrets that I didnt do what I wanted at that moment. But there would moments that I wonder "what if I did not do it?" Well, I dont really know.