22 June 2021

23 rd June 2021 

I can hear someone coming in and out of the room . I am still on the bed but somehow it feels different , it isn't the small bed I had , the sheets feel different and there's too much light .

I opened my eyes , I see my mom sitting on a sofa next to the bed , it's a different bed , it's a different room .

I am in hospital .

All of a sudden, I remembered what happened in vague pieces .

My mom didn't say anything .

The nurse came in , took my temperature , my pulse . 

Another person entered the room with my breakfast .

I got out of my bed , changed into those blue hospital clothes , brushed my teeth and then had my breakfast.

Another nurse entered it was ECG this time . It was weird having to take off my bra and lie half naked on the bed . 

I remembered 22 nd June .

The day my mom was at home , I had a paper , I somehow wrote the paper and uploaded it on time .

I remember being extremely exhausted and wanting to just sleep .

It is weird that I don't remember being in the hospital bed , I scroll through my whatsapp messages .

I see the damage that has already been done .

I had sent my selfie images in my class group and few video calls made to totally random ppl in my contact list .

I remember none of these .

I saw my message I had sent to my friend , it read , I took 5 pills of a medicine prescribed by my doctor to have better sleep .

And then I read , I am sorry in my group named dark feels blue where I used to record my mood .

I then remembered regretting what I did . I remember me taking the meds and thinking maybe this is it , I wasn't ready to die . I didn't mean to do this but maybe this is it .maybe tomorrow will come without me .

But here I am in the hospital and feeling guilty of causing so kuch trouble but at the same time thinking why did I take only 5.

I asked my mom what had happened , she told me I fell on my way to washroom and I kept on saying I overdosed myself .

What was my real feeling ? Was I guilty of overdosing myself ? But there is me also thinking why did I only take 5.

I didn't know what was my actual feeling.

What I did wasn't right .

What I did caused so much trouble .

What I did isn't the answer to anything.

It was my over exhausted mind who ended up taking more pills only to have a good night sleep , to not think , more precisely not to overthink .

It doesn't make any sense .

But I did it .

And here I am in the hospital .

I have depression.

I am struggling to find balance. 

I am struggling to find peace  

After three days in hospital , I was done being there . I wanted to go back home . 

My doctor and I had a big argument regarding this . She didn't trust me anymore .

I had expressed my inclination to die and I wasn't sure if I would not do this again .

I couldn't promise her .

I didn't trust myself.

I finally came back home , but I was in this old room which carried all my sad memories . 

I wanted a change .

I completely got my room re decorated with new paints and a different arrangement. I got rid of the mirror that never gave me joy . I got myself a new cupboard for my overflowing books that were everywhere .

8 June 2021 

It's been few days , since what happened . 

I am finally getting my life on track . I had no time to think , I was flooded with assignment submissions at this point . I did those pulling few all nighters .

Now I just have to study for my finals .

Here I am again , the old me in this new room .

I am stuck .I feel paused .

I just don't feel motivated enough . I was doing so much better the last few days but now again I am back in this meaningless pain .

Pain that has no reason to its existence.

A feeling of not wanted .

A feeling of not loved .