Eve gene

“It took me twenty something years to learn how to love myself as a black girl, so i don’t have that kind of time to convince somebody else”.

I grew up in a society where the great majority of people is white, a society where black girl doesn't fit mainstream standards of beauty. I'm not sure who’s to blame! But nobody taught me how to love my broad nose, to appreciate my unmanageable kinky hair, to embrace my curves, my wide hips, and my skin tone.

Being a black woman is one of the hardest things on the planet, because we have to deal all the time with offensive double standards:

- While being natural: why don't you do something with your hair? It looks dry!

- When you get it straightened: why not have your natural hair out, are you full of self-hate??

- You are too dark to be mixed girl and too light to be black girl; bitch take a side!

From a very young age I reached a dangerously high level of maturity, I learnt to avoid situations that threaten my emotional well being. Situations like being called the "N" word whenever or wherever you go. I still keep in mind all the times someone has the intention to make me feel inferior because I’m Black. I remember every time I have been called nigger as I waited for a taxi, went to the grocery, or simply walked down the street. Being insulted or underestimated for your black skin or Afro Hair. Running away from such situations with strength and power made me realize that we mature with the damage, not with the years. The reason why I usually ask “how old is your soul?” instead of “how old are you?” .Furthermore, the older I get, the more I esteem self-acceptance and privacy, by only letting certain people in my circle of life. People whose minds exceed the physical features and communicate with your sense only.

Low self-confidence and shyness are two of the most common issues I had to deal with in my childhood and teenage years. Sadly, because I felt that I belong to a minority group, I systematically perceived myself as not being as good enough as other girls. This feeling of inferiority was based on my influenced perception of race, feminism and level of attractiveness.I felt being caged by the chains of society, literally.

To overcome those issues I had to care more about my relationship with my inner being, because if I’m not in alignment with myself I have nothing to offer to anyone. I wish I didn't have to learn things the hard way, to let people gossip about me, their opinions aren’t my problem as long as I succeeded to love myself, to stay kind, committed to my goals and ambitions.

Again, it has taken a long time to reach a point where I’m comfortable with my imperfections and insecurities as an adult woman .I no longer get angry, stressed or offended easily neither embarrassed for who I’m. I know how and when I have to over value myself, know my exact worth or when I need to add extra taxes to it.

I've always thought that being a black is something hard to deal with, than I discover that being a woman is even harder. Simply, double standards always exist:

Skinny? You need to gain weight, no one like bones. Fat? Do some exercise! Nobody likes fat bitches.

Small boobs? Gosh. Grow some or maybe consider doing a surgery. Big Boobs! Cover yourself, you are showing too much.

No Butt? Everyone will laugh at you for it. Big Ass? Well better cover yourself, you don't want to draw attention to that booty, right?

Putting makeup? Hell no, you look fake. No makeup? Take care of yourself, don’t be lazy.

No hair?? Grow long hair, be feminine.

We, women, are constantly ashamed for almost everything, so we, as well, might do whatever we want. Because people better stop being judgmental and be more like:

Oh hey you smoke? Good for you!!You don’t? That’s nice.

Oh hey you drink? Cheers! You don't? Well great!

You have had sex? Chill! You haven't? Chill

You wear a ton of make up? Cool. You don't? Awesome!

Genuine people who don't care if you have tattoos or piercing, if you are wealthy or broke, if you have a messed up past or an easy life. No one is in a position to judge and neither I am.

By going through this struggle again I had to define my own definition of beauty and not force myself to adapt to a one has been putting by this generation. My focus is to bring to life the best version of myself, to build a woman comfortable in her own skin and doesn’t question a single thing beneath it.

The biggest mistake I made is wanting people to love me or at least like me a little. Happily, I realized in time that I’m not supposed to be right for everyone. I have the pleasant taste for some but bitter as fuck to others.

Dear Society,

You, not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting and working on myself. I found a way to survive by adjusting some of your standards, values and morals.

So, sexually speaking stop calling me naked for taking off my clothes. People do it all the time. But being exposed, opening up to someone, letting them explore my dreams, fears and spirit...that's being naked for me.

In the name of religion, stop calling every woman a fraction, we are a whole without someone else. We are complete master piece all by ourselves and don’t need anyone else to validate our existence.

Speaking my thoughts out loud, saying “NO” with convection and “YES” with possibility is called knowledge of myself and not rebellion.

Be kind , the hurt is real.