A Letter of Apology

I'm writing this poem to tell you how sorry I am
For all the things I have done but have never told you about
For all the words that I should have said
But have used a pen and have written them instead

You should blame the sloppy writer in me for doing this
The one who's obsessed with messy thoughts on paper
The girl who speaks through shitty poetry
With black ink staining her hands as she pours herself

First of all, I'm sorry for not knowing where to start
My thoughts are in a disarray but don't worry
This will be the last time
Please bear with me

I'm sorry for writing too much about you
For stringing words together and turning them into our story
For painting our memories into art and letting others see
And for this poem that unknowing eyes will read

I'm sorry for not knowing how to love you properly
For either loving you too much or too little
For burning you with my warmth
And for letting you freeze in the cold

I'm sorry for living my life solely for you
For making you the reason for my every breath
For wanting to have the vast galaxy in my hands
When I'm just a lowly star stuck in your orbit

I'm sorry for making you look like the bad guy
For writing sad poems about how you hurt me
For making my friends curse you in their heads
Because when you left, you took a part of me

I'm sorry for pretending that I was okay
For smiling even though I was drowning in everything
In jealousy, my insecurities, and my feelings for you
I never was a good swimmer, remember?

I'm sorry for always feeling like you should know what goes inside my head
For expecting you to have telepathic abilities
For always acting like everything's peachy
Yet secretly hoping that you knew I was falling apart

I'm sorry for knowing you more than you know yourself
For being too observant to the details that concern you
For understanding even just by looking into your eyes
I drink in everything about you like it's hot coffee in winter

I'm sorry for making this poem extremely long
I know how much you dislike reading
How you would rather use the time to play videogames
But please, I hope you'll read until the end

I'm sorry for not believing your feelings for me
For being a coward, for choosing the easy path
But it's easier not to believe
It won't hurt as much when you don't mean them anymore

I'm sorry because I always tell myself I hate you
I try to conjure you up in my head as someone I loathe
I imagine you without your sweet smile or weird laughter
But I just fall deeper every single time

I'm sorry for not being able to let you go
For finding ways to continue this poem
For wanting your eyes to linger on my words longer
For loving you till now even when I shouldn't

I'm sorry for being a mess, too broken, too empty
For breaking down when I hear certain words and songs
For the tears that have escaped from my eyes
Every time I reread our conversations in the past

I'm sorry for keeping your silly pictures in my phone
You told me to delete them but I can't
You know how much of a memory hoarder I am
And right now, they're all I have left of you

I'm sorry for having our paths meet
For being one of the tangent lines to your curve
For understanding math more than I understand us
And for wishing that we were parallel lines instead

I'm sorry for mustering up the courage to get to know you
I've always been a quiet girl but with you, I wasn't
But maybe we were too fast
Before we knew it,  we were backed up into a corner

I'm sorry for being weak
For choosing flight instead of fight
And now, I've changed my mind
I'm too late though

Before I end this poem
I want you to know that I'm really sorry
For everything that I've started but couldn't end
And even though I promised, I'm sorry because I can't ever stop loving you