I want to say this in person but talking to you seems so far from possible. I don't know if I will find the strength to face you and say this to you or I will just end up being a coward and voiceless — like I'm always.
You might think that I am out of my mind and reading this is just a waste of time... I would like to say the same thing - I might be out of my mind and writing this is just a waste of time... as well as loving you.
But those wasted times are the best.
Loving you is the best and worst feeling ever.
Loving you is like being on the edge of a cliff, sight-seeing the city lights on my feet not knowing that one mistake and I will fall into the abyss.
Loving you is like a ship on an ocean of never ending hope and waiting. And feeling the emptiness that was building inside while being stuck in the middle of it.
Loving you is like waiting in Nirvana waiting to be picked for another life. Because in line with all the girls that you had I am waiting for the day that you will pick me as your partner, too.
Loving you is like walking on the clouds, sheepishly dreaming about the things we could possibly do together.
Loving you is like the sunset, breathtakingly wonderful and fascinating.
Loving you is like the moon that gives me light and hope, sadness and tears.
You are like the moon and I am the sun... and the word together is impossible to have. You have the stars and thousands of them are surrounding you. So even after hundreds of years will passed, I would still end up watching you from a far.
So I took this chance to say this to you. Maybe not in front of you but through this letter.
This isn't just a paper tinted with inked words but these are the unsaid words I never had the courage to say in front of you.
Forgive me for being a coward for watching you whipped because of her instead of giving you a shoulder to cry on because it hurts seeing you bleed for her while I am dying because of you.
Forgive me for not telling you not to fall too hard because I didn't had the chance to remind myself, too.
I pushed everyone away not realizing that you were doing the same thing to me.
I had long forgotten how was it to be loved back because all I could think about is how to give and show it to you.
But sometimes, I would find myself asking, 'Why did I fall for someone I know I could never be loved back?' 'Why did I let my walls broke down to someone who never did anything but to ignore me?' 'Why is my presence seems so oblivious to you while yours is my wake up call?' 'Why, of all people, do I have to be inlove with that particular smile of yours?'
It excites me and tears me up everytime I see you smile knowing that that smile of yours is nothing but bright whenever she's around.
I knew you loved her the moment she walked on stage.
I see the way you look at her is the same as how I look at you.
I see the way you care for her like I do to you.
You cherish her more that she deserve like I treasure you more than I should.
She meant the whole world to you while you meant the universe to me.
You have thousands of stars surrounding you but you are looking at that special star that you love.
But fate had been so mean to us.
Because like the moon and the sun, the moon and the stars can never get ahold, too.
One thing I've learned about love is that it is not always what we love is what is always meant for us.
That no matter how much we give, how far we go, and how deep we dig... we can't always have what we think we deserve.
But it doesn't mean that it will end it there.
It will always pour down on the steps that we take and the decisions that we made. And it is the God's will and plans that will always matter at the end of the day.
I knew long before these feelings had grown that I could never have this beautiful creature God had given me the chance to know. Kinda disappointing... tragically but still menacingly written.
Because loving you is as beautiful as you are — with all the flaws and imperfections... loving you is worth the risk;
of falling and breaking,
of loving and tearing,
of trying and waiting,
of pain and rejection,
of sadness and blissfulness,
of smiling and laughing.
So if there will come a time that you want to give up and just want to see the end, if ever you feel hopeless and unloved, think of me.
Think about the girl whose willing to catch and pick every piece of a broken you.
Think about the girl who is just waiting for you to call.
Think that there is still someone who is just waiting for you to notice.
If you are still reading this and you still think that this is just a waste of time, then, think about my feelings.
Think about the wasted times when I stare at your handsome face. Those wasted times that I went to support your dancing even in the sea of crowds.
Think about the sleepless nights I had whenever I think about you.
Think about the wasted efforts that you never once appreciate.
Think about the wasted ink just to wrote down this letter for you.
But if one day I come to tell you this, please, stay and listen. Because one day, maybe one of these days, I will find my courage to say everything to you.
And that day I hope I can let this feelings fade away.
Until then, I will be able to look into your eyes.
I will be able to talk to you without any hesitations.
I will be able to sit beside you without any awkwardness.
Until then...
These words will never be left unsaid.