A mommy's mental state talking:

I'm really down lately, anxiety attacks are often that it messes the whole me with me being a mom, being an employee, a wife. For some who will read this, they'll be like "You have kids, you'll be fine." But actually NO, what I'm feeling right now is really fighting back and it affects me. I'm not distracted but I am being attacked by my own mental state.

I posted in facebook the last time that I get overwhelm with instruction that my mind just shuts off and won't respond. I forget things so often lately.

Sometimes when this hits me, I always realize that I am not fully healed yet from the time I gave birth. It was like 3 mos ago and I started working my a** off again, around before the second month of my baby. It may seem that I am fully recovered to the way I move and stuff like that, but for my hormones and sensitivity, it's not back yet. I miss my old self!! By the way, for my last birth. I undergone C-section and the general anesthesia is soooo intense I may say.

Any ways, going back to my mental state talking. I want to be the old me, like I laugh a lot. I joke a lot. The happy me, that I used to be. Is I feel like, gone. Like gone-gone. I'm now super agitated at times, super sensitive, I get annoyed easily. I don't know. Anxiety always holds me back now.

But, I am super lucky to have people who cheers me up (even virtually since its pandemic) and there were posts or something that I watched that can really uplifts my mental being from 0 to 7. They, it, pulls me back to reality that I have dreams. That's why I worked as soon as I recovered from giving birth to my precious baby girl. I'm tired of just having enough, sometimes less. I'm tired of seeing my kids wants something and I can't give it. I'm tired of myself being in debt to someone. I want to be free from those. I want to own a house, build rooms for my kids. Have my long time space. To own a space where my family can grow and have friends for long time. I want those. I want to go as far as I could, away from this sh*tty life we have here and live near or by the beach coz I think my mental state wants to be refreshed. And all I can see is me standing on the sand looking at the beach or the sun by the beach with my kids playing around and enjoying the tranquility that we chose for them to have, away from toxicity, bad vibes and sh*tty people who caused their mom to lose her mind temporarily.Coz I managed to get back to reality with the help of those people that I can count in my fingers.

So right now, I'm just writing this because I need this thought to be out of my mind. For me to move on from this attacks. I need to fight them back as much as I could for my kids. I don't want them to see me this weak. I know it's okay but it has been an on-going scenario that they see. They might grow and have those too. I don't want that.

Please if you're reading this until this part. Include me on your prayers tonight and all the people that is experiencing the same sh*t as I do. We would highly appreciate it.

And to those who are on the same boat as i do. Let's be strong, I hope you win this. Fight back. I know for a fact that the saying "there's more to life" is true. Let's all aim to see that day and we go back to this memory and laugh it out. Then be grateful that you were able to surpass it even with these trying times. Loveyou xoxo

-urmamaber