Alone Time

Alone. A word most people are afraid to be describe as or dread to be. Ironic as it may seem someone as dependent as me was always perfectly content to be left alone. The thrill of choose your own adventures, not worrying what others might feel or think. I often get clumsy around strangers; uttering unnecessary comments, being all awkward like a lizard about to fall.

The trouble is as much as I want to be alone, I fear how extremely attuned I am to all the terrible things that pass through my head.

I close my eyes and go straight to dark. I literally shake my head to try and throw the unpleasant pictures that plays in it. The thoughts that haunt you when you're alone. Is it because I'm too imaginative and my anxiety uses this as a tool to fore-see such unwelcoming ideas. I keep thinking that if I could just get a grip on myself; I'd shout "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT". I think I'm driving myself crazy, but God knows I have no control. I'd imagine demons whispering through my ears taking over my mind.

So alone, I don't want to be left alone. At least not with my mind.

If only I'm as innocent as a puppy, roll a ball and I'd easily get distracted. But it doesn't work that way. These flashing, running, outburst of what I call "UN-FUNTASY" it consumes me. Sometimes I would just have a blank stare while all the negativity soaks in. Then I'll snap, with this heavy headache and flat out fucked up.

Anxiety.. Depression.. That's the loneliest fucking thing in the world.

So much that I fancy being left alone, how I enjoy my own company, no small talks or awkward silence. I'd be an annoyance to somebody. And I will cling on to that somebody like a mold and spread out. I will be a burden or so as I think of myself. I'm so awful and all I ever do is focus on the wrong, to get myself depressed and stuff. It's sick.

And apperantly my mind shown you a glimpse of how she belittles me when we get to have some alone time.