Two faces of Self-awareness

They say awareness is the first step to change. Be more conscious, know your triggers, be willing to admit you need help. There is so much more to being self-aware.

I used to have moments where I excel at everything I do, I have numerous of wonderful ideas and have the best fucking time of my life. But at the same time I have off days where I'd shut everyone down and drop everything I have worked for. I used to hate life and all I wanted to do was die.

Years of therapy I learned how to be aware of these over-the-top mood swings. 

I'd know if I'm starting to get manic, being interested in different things, starting several projects, spending and the most surprising thing is I always get the best job and kickass in it. And being aware during mania makes me tone down that grandiosity. 

Knowing your triggers and consciously know you're in a depressive episode is a whole other world. 

I know I'm falling into depression when I start to hate the things I'm doing and everything will go spiraling when I quit my job, which I always do. I'll start to become paranoid and hate everyone.  Awareness can be tricky in times like this. You start to question your progress and ask yourself what can you do to help yourself. You'll try coping mechanisms you learn in therapy, try to keep busy and push yourself just so you don't sink into the blackhole of depression.

I've been through all of this. And let me tell you being self-aware has two faces. (Yes, faces not phases)

Learning about myself and my capabilities has made my anxiety levels higher than me not knowing what I was doing with my life. Before it was just happy or sad, good or bad, black or white. Being self-aware placed me in a gray area. A place where I keep doubting my actions, my decisions. Like, am I buying a bunch of stuff cause I need them or am I just manic? Do I hate baking cause I'm depressed or am I just not really that into it anymore?

I go through my life anyway. That I can say was a change that being self-aware has gotten me. I live my life day to day like nothing is going on inside me. I keep myself entertained to not go insane with the endless thoughts that interferes. Basically I learned to be indifferent to my own self, to lie to myself so I won't go down the same path of destructive behaviors.

I  don't know how it is for others but for me being self-aware made me fear myself. Knowing what I am capable of is hindering me from moving forward. I can't commit to projects cause for sure its just another fixation I'll get bored with. I stopped working cause what's the point if I'm just gonna quit it anyway. I don't have goals or anything that I look forward to. Sure awareness is the first step to change but being governed by emotions and learning to control them so it won't control me is another battle that I am at war with.