'Wait!'
His footsteps were harried and urgent and unstoppable. He wouldn't turn back and I knew that. Just some more miles to his car and then I would lose him. I didn't even know where he lived.
I needed to explain. I needed explanations.
They were both too important to dismiss.
'Wait! Will you wait- you-' My breaths were haggard from searching him all over the school. Our school had ended and there he was heading towards his car not even looking at me. The moment he saw me his pace quickened to the point of pain.
'WAIT!'
He wasn't stopping and I could just see his car. I was out of options. I ran so hard I feared I would fall and then stumbled right over him. We both fell. Both panting hard.
'What?!' He roared. 'What makes you think you can do that to me huh? I'm a prefect and..'
I cut him off.
'Oh shut up.' I said and got up, dusting off my jeans. My hair had gone askew all over my face and he only lifted himself up with in one swift motion and made to go away. But I had to stop him. I had to stop him or I would go mad.
'You followed me last night and left me in my house.' I said softly. 'I think I deserve an explanation and also you owe me by standing here even if you don't want to.'
'Owe you?' He asked incredulously and then let out a short, cold, empty laugh. 'I owe you nothing. I risked everything and brought you to your own house and that's where it ends. And you know what? I think you can find out this tell tale yourself. Bullying him might even help. Bullying always does doesn't it?'
I felt the anger grip at me again but I held it at bay, getting my teeth.
'Oh don't torture yourself like that. We don't owe each other anything.'
'I'm not torturing myself...'
'No you're not.' He agreed. Too quickly. 'You're too busy torturing all the others.'
With that he put his back to me and started walking again.
Torturing. I never tortured. How dare he?
'I don't torture!!' I shouted at the top of my voice. I didn't care if anybody ever gave opinions on me. I never cared what people thought about me.
When did this boy's opinions suddenly start mattering to me? A boy whom I'd hardly known? A boy who had been in my old school and might have known about my past.....
Vulnerable and weak. I was becoming all of it again.
I refrained myself from making an irritated and frustrated sound which would only heighten the situation.
'Will. You. Listen. To. Me!!?'
'No.' He replied with indifference. 'I've seen what I had to. You were very much there and taking part in it. Very much laughing and very much enjoying it.'
He stopped once. Hesitated.
'And I thought you'd changed somewhat after yesterday. I'd felt sorry for you. I thought you might have understood. Now .....'
I waited.
'Now. I just feel disgusted with myself. For hoping for a bully to change. Ever. They all remain the same.'
His eyes hardened in anger again and he looked at me.
'The only reason I wasn't on the ground bleeding was because I was smart enough and he wasn't. Not that you would care ...but he broke two of his ribs.'
A thick nauseating feeling threatened to gulp me down. The feeling was so overwhelming that I was surprised.
I was supposed to love all of this. Wasn't I? Then why did I want to explain that I was innocent it him? I was innocent.
Don't kid yourself into thinking that, a voice inside my brain chided. It was right. I was never innocent. Never.
But he had made me change. Even if it was a little bit. He'd made me see the violence as how it was. I only had to decide yet, if it was a bad change or a good change. Bullying and violence had been my crutches of support all this year however wrong. Why would I want to abandon them suddenly?
Because the time had come to do what was right....
No. That couldn't be true. There was no right. I knew that firsthand. There was no change and good and nice. Only deceit.
But he seemed to be genuinely angry.
So angry that it couldn't really be for being. a prefect but it must be at a personal level. Maybe he was bullied and made himself strong and smart, like....
I realized with a jolt. Exactly like me.
Maybe he would understand my situation one day, but now wasn't the time. It would come. Hopefully, slowly.
But first I had to explain some things to him. Now.
I'll apologize to the kid myself.' I whispered. Maybe he would understand because even begging for forgiveness wouldn't cover for it. I had Vought about my own destruction and I knew it. Happily allowed it because it had been a great distraction. From the worst.
But the line made him stop in his tracks. He didn't look back. He only waited.
'I'll explain what happened. I didn't initiate it. I promise.' My voice threatened to quiver.
He whirled around.
'What makes you think that I believe your promise?' He spat.
'I-' was finally at a loss or say anything. But I knew what he meant. Was truly sorry. I felt all of it but couldn't explain. It was just that I was too proud to undo it.
He waited.
'I don't know.' I said softly.' It's up to you to believe me or not. I'll tell you what happened and you can judge it your way.'
His silence prompted me to continue.
'I understood.' I whispered. I held back my tears. The words pathetic and weak banging on my head like door nails with a hammer.' It wasn't my fault. Ben decided to beat him up. I was just there and then I was about to say something and then you came and you thought I was laughing and I just couldn't say anything because they were there.'
My friends were there. When did I think of them as an inconvenience? When did I want to hide my intentions from them? When had I tried to stop them?
'But you wouldn't atop it? You wouldn't say anything.' He demanded.
'I-' I began. But the answer was "no" and he pretty much could see it.
Coward. I couldn't even speak out my mind. But when had I wanted to stand up to my friends before either?
He didn't press the matter. Thankfully. Neither did he say whether he trusted me or not.
'You'll explain it to him?' He asked.
I nodded.
'Okay.' Was all he said. And I could have sworn I felt a pure sense of knee wobbling relief just then.
'So.' I said. 'Where do you live?'
He'd let me sit in his car and had offered to drop me home. And I understood. It was a peace offering. A message to say that he believed me.
'The street next to yours. House 2.' He replied. We were passing the forested area again from yesterday which I vividly remembered. I tried not to acknowledge it and instead deliberated on how he'd gotten into my house. He'd likely seen why I never invited friends. But he just hadn't asked about it yet.
I knew it was coming. Likely right now. He probably knew that I had withdrawn out of my previous school and he lived near. Maybe he even knew what happened. It was a famous incident after all.
Maybe he shifted here this year.
There were too many maybe's.
Silence filled the space. But it was calm and comfortable. Not pressing and making me nauseous. Perfect. What I'd needed since a long time ago.
But at home the silence was unbearable like something which would kill if something noisy didn't interrupt. So I sang. I danced. I beat people. And I practised. But never let the silence win.
'Can I ask you something?' He asked after a moment. I had the acute feeling that he was watching me.
I didn't say anything but he understood that it was a yes.
'You live alone.' He said. I opened my eyes. Surprised and at ease for the first time. I blinked.
Whenever I'd suspected someone to ask this I had panicked. Gone hysterical. Gone yo any depths to hide it. Because it revealed what had happened to me.
But when he asked it, it was as if it was obvious and not demanding. Just a statement. That's all. Surprising.
He wasn't demanding for an explanation. Just confirming what was the Gods damned truth.
Suddenly I didn't know what to think.
The silence stretched on but he didn't say anything or pressurize that I had to tell him. It was my choice.
After this long silence I finally said,
'Yes- Yeah I do.' When had my voice become so throaty?
'Why?' He went on. Now it was becoming strained. I couldn't explain. I'm not sure I could. Not now. Maybe never.
He took one look at my face and his forehead creased.
'Okay.' He said slowly. 'You don't have to tell me.'
I was too numbed to say thank you. Gratefulness filled me to the brim. He knew what it was like. Was I coward? Weak?
Yes, a voice said
No, another voice countered.
Maybe I would tell him one day. Maybe. But I knew one thing now, he would understand.
I didn't know how to be malleable or weal. Neither did I know to recognize any feelings or acknowledge them. My heart was broken and patched up and breaking again slowly as poisons threatened to kill it from the inside.
But maybe. Just maybe it felt like something. Something. I couldn't place. Or recognize.
'I want to ask you something.' I said. His mouth curled into a smile. As if he somehow knew what I was going to ask. And somewhere in me I found myself smiling too.
'How'd you get into my house?' I asked. This time he was really smiling and looking a bit apologetic at the same time. It was the warmest expression I'd seen him make. The most genuine since I'd met him.
'I detached your wallet.' He said. 'It kind of fell out and I sure as Hell couldn't take you to my house. Neither could I leave you in the car could I? So, I panicked and I had was desperate so, I searched your wallet. I found a key and I reckoned it must be your house's key, and I was about o provide any explanation to your parents but.....'
But I had no parents. He didn't have to complete that. It was obvious enough.
But you didn't have parents and you lived all alone.
'So I just, kinda, tucked you in and left. The door wasn't locked sorry. But I hardly thought that was a pressing concern. And I also thought you wouldn't come to school but you did, and lemme tell you, you looked pretty terrible. I was about to explain. But then it all just happened.' He finished awkwardly.
'I swear it wasn't my fault.' I said solemnly.
'I believe you.' He breathed.
In a long time- such a long time since someone believed me. Since anyone had provided a truthful explanation to me, without hesitating. It just felt like a gift. And it shouldn't have but I suddenly did and I didn't care. I had gotten what I needed and he'd given it honestly enough.
I'd never seen him get so awkward and it warmed my heart.
There was a tense silence. My house had arrived. We'd stopped but I suddenly didn't want to go. I hesitated.
Should I say something? Anything?
A thank you?
He opened his mouth, my heart thudded in a beating frenzy and I did think I might have said something after all.
But then I was pushing open the door, nodding at Adriano once and then retreating to my house, quickly pushing the door close and putting my back to it and breathing heavily with my eyes closed. I'd never felt so awkward in my life.
I rushed to the nearest window and saw him leave as j turned back to my house again. To the sofa to sleep.
I'd never felt this lonely before.
(I have nothing much to say from here....)
©AkshayaGadre